You are His.

So... this is me being the most vulnerable I've ever been on the blog.   I'm posting a picture of my journal entry from last night... because I think that sometimes being vulnerable allows your experiences and insights to help others.   A lot of people will probably read this and think it's dumb, but that's okay because I'm not posting this to get attention, or compliments, or validation.  I'm posting this because I don't need those.  I'm posting this because I was having a rough week when I started writing in my journal, fully intending to vent... and instead Heavenly Father gave me comfort and confidence as I wrote - changing the message I was sending to myself.  I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who struggle with this a lot more than I do.  There are people who feel the way I felt for the past few weeks all the time.  There are people who might need to hear this.  Maybe one of those people will read this blog, and maybe it will remind them to change their perspective like it helped me remember to change mine.. 

 

P.S.  God is amazing.  He has so many incredible ways of answering my prayers and helping me to remember the things he's been telling me all along.   He is SO great. 

and so are you.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)



When drug-induced paranoia meets Tinder.

DISCLAIMERS:

• I am not trying to pretend like these aren't serious issues when they're long term.  I just happen to see the humor in 99% of situations and I like to point it out.  Don't think I'm mocking you if these are issues you struggle with on a regular basis, because seriously: That sucks.  I just had some humorous results with my minor struggle and I'm totally fine with having a good laugh at MYSELF.  This is not a general mocking, this is all about me :)
• This is probably going to be extremely long and have lots of tangents.... so... it's going to be like every other post I've written. (with even more parentheses than usual) ;)

At the end of the summer I was diagnosed with ADD (not a shock at all, actually a relief because now I can fix it!  Wish I could have figured this out back before I went through high school and 3 years of college struggling with a lack of focus and extreme tendency to procrastinate.).  Doc gave me some meds but I didn't actually start taking them until a few weeks after I moved back home because of a miscommunication (which I will post about some other time). 

So... I started out taking just one pill a day and then I was supposed to upgrade to two pills a day so that I didn't have a dramatic reaction. HA! *snort*

Around the time I started taking 2 pills a day I also opened a TINDER account. 

YES.  YES.  This definitely makes the top 10 list of "Stupidest things Tiana has ever done. Ever. In her entire life.".  I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.  (Don't worry... there will probably be a Tinder blog post because that app is just waaay too easy to make fun of)   Allow me to attempt to justify this:

• This is absolutely terrible and I realize that it sort of makes me an awful human being, but... about 80% of the reason I got a tinder was purely to judge.  Making fun of tools (the men not the items) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So since Tinder is tool-central... I signed up so that I could tally up the number of men whose profiles screamed "tool" or had other strange characteristics.  (shirtless selfies, "About me" sections that only said: "NCMO?", pictures holding up dead animal carcasses (because your face next to a bloody bunny rabbit really makes me want to date you), pictures with no face (i.e. pictures of helmets, pictures of backs, pictures of abs)).... I mean really... how could I resist?  It's just too darn mock-able.
• Here's the thing.  I have a terrible, terrible, terrible, hilariously awkward dating history.  I can count the number of "good" dates I've been on, on one hand.  (and my standards for a "good date" are lower than almost anyone's I've ever met)  You might think I'm just being picky.... but I assure you... when I recount the majority of the dates I've been on, people CRINGE (and then roll around on the ground laughing until their faces turn purple).  My dating life is bad.  MOST of this is not my fault... but it's statistically improbable that ALL of these bad dates happened to me and only the guys are to blame.  I definitely have my issues as well (which will be addressed in a seperate blog post, naturally).   I'm terrible at dating (have you read my blog or facebook posts? Of course I'm terrible at dating.  I can't even stroll through public places like a normal person without my internal coach telling me how to do it.  I'm sure you are all well aware that I am one big bucket o' awkward.   I decided that I really needed to practice dating... and talking to guys I was mildly attracted to.  So, how does a girl such as I get asked out on dates so she can practice being normal?   Tinder.

So... it happened.  I installed tinder and I started tallying up tools and shopping for men. 

It was all fun and games until the guys I swiped right on started swiping right for me.... and then started up conversations!  I hadn't predicted that I would ACTUALLY get the chance to talk to attractive people and practice dating... I was just doing this so that when people said "You don't even TRY to date!"  I could come back at them with "Ummm no... I do try.  In fact I have taken the most try-y step of all and installed tinder. I even swiped right for some guys!  HA!" (which, by the way worked like a charm.  No one can accuse you of hiding from the dating world when you have a dating app on your phone.)


So... this one guy, we'll call him "Jimmy"... thought that I seemed like a nice, normal girl.  Boy was he in for a treat. 

He messaged me, and we started chatting... nothing too exciting, just the usual get to know you questions:  Where are you from?  Are you working or going to school?  What are you studying?   etc. 
Nice guy.  Seemed normal.  Not a real big connection... but, perfect practice date material. 

Well... a few days after he first messaged me was when my full dose of drugs started to kick in.  I started experiencing some side effects (which I did not realize were from the drugs until over a week later).   What side effects you ask?  Oh just some super severe paranoia and anxiety.


To summarize what happened from there, I'm just going to give all you guys out there some words of advice.   If you are ever in a situation where you meet a girl online who happens to not only be the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to dating... but is also experiencing extreme paranoia at the time... I would avoid the following: 

1. When she mentions that she is new to Tinder and doesn't know how it works... saying that you are a Tinder pro and think it's great. This is not so alarming on it's own... but she will definitely recall it and be freaked out by some of your later behavior
2. Upon asking her about why she is taking a semester off of school and getting the response "God told me to take a semester off so I did, I'm not sure why yet but I'll probably just be working. :)"  Not something to say to a stranger, she typed it out before thinking.  Cut her some slack. She's practicing.  Do not respond with:  "I like how spiritual you are."  ??What??? You don't know how spiritual she is, because you don't actually know her.  You've exchanged less than ten messages back and forth.  Cool your jets on telling her what you like about her. 
3. Calling her two minutes after getting her number and leave a message saying "It's just easier to talk this way especially when there's so much to say.....(meaningful sigh)"  So much to say about what??  So far the conversation has only included basic get to know you questions... and to be honest buddy, it really wasn't flowin'.   Remember.  She is paranoid, on top of being a girl. So she is reading way too much into EVERYTHING.
4. Texting or calling her every single day when she is never starting the conversations. 
5. Calling her at midnight on a Saturday night (or any night).  She's paranoid.  She also happens to have just been informed that Tinder is largely known for hook-ups.  She will probably  avoid answering and then text you and say something like "umm... I probably should have mentioned that I'm not into booty calls.  That's why the first thing in my 'about me' section said VERY LDS.... By VERY I meant: No booty calls."  She will probably realize 2 minutes later that that was an unwise reaction. ... But why the heck do you then want to continue to text her and talk to her?  She's clearly insane. 
6. When you find out that her favorite books to read are romance novels, asking her if they are the "hoochie" kind. 
7. Telling her how miserable your date was that day. Won't really creep her out, but unless it was bad in a funny way... she probably doesn't want to hear about it because she doesn't know you well enough to listen to you talk about how sad you are for blowing 80 bucks on a boring girl.
8. Sending her a selfie with no point to it.  She will probably deactivate her facebook and delete her instagram account at this point, because sending selfies means you're a serial killer. (DUH)
9. Avoid this conversation: 

             -Hey how're you? Just so ya'll know... how're is a real contraction...weird.
             -Hey I'm good but I've actually decided to cut off all of my ties with tinder 
              because for somereason it was really stressing me out haha, but it's been nice
              getting to know you. :) This means YOU are getting cut out of her life.  Because
              she is paranoid and therefore thinks you are completely obsessed with her and
              going to abduct her.
             -Alright, but I think we should talk about this! But best wishes to ya!
             ..... Is this because you think I just want some?
             Oh no... she doesn't think you want to get some.  She thinks you want to kill her
             family, kidnap her, and lock her in a cellar. FOREVER.  (She knows that is a 
             completely illogical conclusion to come to.. but she's been so scared of this
             happening that she's been trembling non-stop for four days now.  So she's
             starting to wonder if this is legit.... because why else would she have this
             constant feeling of impeding doom that started the night you non-booty called
             her?)
             -Thanks for understanding, Did you?  Because that text has her confused... best
             wishes to you too :) Not really.  Really she thinks your a psychopath and wants
             the police to find you so that you go to prison for a long long time.. because
             she's sure that she is currently narrowly avoiding joining at least 10 other girls in
              your cellar. haha no that's not it, I promise.  You seem like a nice guy LIE, the
              whole thing is just stressing me out and I'm trying to cut out unnecessary
              stresses in my life. Truth.  Tinder is hard.
             -blah blah blah I really want to get to know you blah blah blah keep my number
             Your persistence (which really isn't that persistent) is really alarming her.  She
              has said absolutely nothing that should make you want to get to know her more
              ... and you are the tinder pro so you should have plenty of girls waiting in the
              wings and leaving her alone should be no problem... unless you're a crazed
              killer. That's the ONLY logical conclusion.  Well best of luck with figuring out
              why you moved up here!  You're probably supposed to meet a tinder guy ;)
              Okay...no.  That's creepy even to people who aren't experiencing drug-
             induced paranoia and anxiety.
             - I don't think that's it haha inserting nervous laughs in text messages is her way
             of attempting to keep you from knowing how creeped out she is.  She feels like
             if you know that she knows that you're a crazy serial killer who is obsessed with
             her... things will probably escalate way too quickly.  This mere "haha" might
             save her some time.  but thanks, and good luck with all of your future tinder
             endeavors haha
             -I deleted it 8) Refer to #1.  ALARM BELLS will immediately start ringing in her
             head.  Why did the man who loves tinder randomly decide to delete it within
             about an hour of her deleting it??? She now concludes that the only reason you
             would do such a thing is because you are obsessed with her and think you are
             going to marry her and that there is now no reason to date other women.  (
             (Also... what the heck is this face: 8))
             -Why? I thought you were pretty into it? If you've been responding quickly
             consistently up to this point... now is NOT the time to go MIA for a few hours. 
             You're giving her a heart attack, and she's checking outside her window to make
             sure there are no cars parked out front of her house at least every 15 minutes.
             (New text, a few hours later..) Actually, can you please delete my number from
              your phone?  I'll keep yours and if I feel the need to get in contact with you in
              the future I'll text you. She no longer cares if you know that she knows that you
              have crazy intentions.  She is testing you to see if this "I am clearly creeped out
              right now" text gets you to leave her alone... if not...  she's going to finally
              going to tell someone that you're obsessed with her.  Probably the cops.  You
              are going down!
              -Oh... NOW you immediately respond.  Clearly you had no explanation for the
              Tinder deletion.... BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER
              TO MARRY YOU BEFORE KILLING HER.  BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO:
              Course for a bit, it's like any fad though, it gets old!  Later mater. LATER????? She
              knows that by "later mater" you clearly mean "I'll see you when I sneak into your
              room and kidnap you tonight.  Then we shall wed.  Then I'll hack off your head
              with a chainsaw. Sweet dreams my pretty!"  She totally won't sleep that night. 
              AT ALL.  In fact, she is having to pause"My Fair Wedding" throughout the night
              so that she can once again look out the window every 10 minutes to make sure
              you aren't there, and when she has to go out to her car to grab something... she
              will be holding a guitar hero guitar like a baseball bat, scanning the bushes and 
              doing a very defensive walk around her car and scan inside before she opens it
              to grab what she needs.


Sorry, "Jimmy"... but it really wasn't going anywhere anyway.  It's probably best it ended the way it did.