Lead foot

***ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO***

Me: "AAAH!  Holy cow, you freaked me out, I was ready for you on the other side."
Officer: "Haha sorry about that...I'm pretty sneaky."
Me:  "I'll say, nearly gave me a heart attack."
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No, do I have a light out or something?"
Officer:  "Well... what you did wrong was actually a while back."
Me: "Oh."
Officer: "Back on 4th and 4th you slowed down a lot... but you didn't stop."
Me: "ooooooh"
Officer: "And then again at the Center Street stop sign you...didn't stop completely"
Me: "eeeeeehhh"
Officer: "Yeah... and do you know what you did between the two stop signs?"
Me: "Was I speeding?"
Officer: "15 over."
Me:  "Yikes! 3 strikes... I'm out!"
Officer: "Yeah, sorry but I really can't let that slide.  Do you have your license and registration?"
Me: "Yeah hold on just one second."
*starts rifling through glove box and purse*
Officer: "Where ya headed this late?"
Me:  "I was trying to get to Walmart before Sunday" *looks at clock* (11:45)
Officer: "Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it."
Me: "Yeah I was kinda gettin that feeling."
Me: "Uh-oh."
Officer: "Uh-oh?  That doesn't sound good."
Me: "This is not the purse my wallet is in...so this is not the purse my license is in...so my license is not exactly with me at this time."
Officer: "You do have a valid license, though?"
Me: "Yep.  Just got it renewed this past year."
Officer: "Name"

He ended up having a ton of mercy and only citing me for 9 over and one stop sign.



***FAST FORWARD TO LAST NIGHT***
Me: "Hi.  This is bad, I realize this is the second time in two weeks I've done this.... and I'm going to tell you right now that I don't have my license this time either, but I want you to know that I did learn my lesson about the stop signs.. and last time really was my first ticket, this really isn't as regular of an occurrence as it looks.... because this looks REALLY bad." 
Officer: "Where's your license?"
Me: "About 3 houses away."
Officer: "Alright, do you know what you were doing."
Me: "Yep... I was speeding.  I don't know why I was speeding... I really wasn't in a hurry to get home.  I have absolutely no reason this time... just a lead foot.  BUT I do come to full stops now."
Officer: "Were you the one who was going to Walmart?"
Me: "Yeah.  Hello again."
Officer:  "Well part of the reason we pull you over is to educate you.  I'm glad you've learned your lesson about the stop signs, but you've really got to get that speeding under control.   You were going 15 over again, that is quite the lead foot you've got there.  It's part of my job to educate you, and I'm sorry I clearly didn't get my point across last time.  Fate was on your side tonight, for some reason my radar didn't catch it so you're not getting a ticket."
Me: "THANK YOU.  Wow.  You're the best!!!"
Officer: "This isn't me being nice... this is my radar."
Me: "Right.  Well.. your radar is the BEST!  Tell it thanks for me."
Officer: "Yeah you got lucky... but apparently fate also likes to put me right behind you whenever you're speeding so... I mean this in the best way possible, because you seem like a really great girl.... I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Okay?"
Me: "I feel the same way!  No offense. I've learned my lesson, I'll get my lead foot under control.... I'll make sure we don't run into each other again, because to be honest, I don't want to see you again either!   Thanks again, you're the BEST!"



All credit goes to Heavenly Father for answering my prayers for help even when I don't deserve it! 

When drug-induced paranoia meets Tinder.

DISCLAIMERS:

• I am not trying to pretend like these aren't serious issues when they're long term.  I just happen to see the humor in 99% of situations and I like to point it out.  Don't think I'm mocking you if these are issues you struggle with on a regular basis, because seriously: That sucks.  I just had some humorous results with my minor struggle and I'm totally fine with having a good laugh at MYSELF.  This is not a general mocking, this is all about me :)
• This is probably going to be extremely long and have lots of tangents.... so... it's going to be like every other post I've written. (with even more parentheses than usual) ;)

At the end of the summer I was diagnosed with ADD (not a shock at all, actually a relief because now I can fix it!  Wish I could have figured this out back before I went through high school and 3 years of college struggling with a lack of focus and extreme tendency to procrastinate.).  Doc gave me some meds but I didn't actually start taking them until a few weeks after I moved back home because of a miscommunication (which I will post about some other time). 

So... I started out taking just one pill a day and then I was supposed to upgrade to two pills a day so that I didn't have a dramatic reaction. HA! *snort*

Around the time I started taking 2 pills a day I also opened a TINDER account. 

YES.  YES.  This definitely makes the top 10 list of "Stupidest things Tiana has ever done. Ever. In her entire life.".  I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.  (Don't worry... there will probably be a Tinder blog post because that app is just waaay too easy to make fun of)   Allow me to attempt to justify this:

• This is absolutely terrible and I realize that it sort of makes me an awful human being, but... about 80% of the reason I got a tinder was purely to judge.  Making fun of tools (the men not the items) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So since Tinder is tool-central... I signed up so that I could tally up the number of men whose profiles screamed "tool" or had other strange characteristics.  (shirtless selfies, "About me" sections that only said: "NCMO?", pictures holding up dead animal carcasses (because your face next to a bloody bunny rabbit really makes me want to date you), pictures with no face (i.e. pictures of helmets, pictures of backs, pictures of abs)).... I mean really... how could I resist?  It's just too darn mock-able.
• Here's the thing.  I have a terrible, terrible, terrible, hilariously awkward dating history.  I can count the number of "good" dates I've been on, on one hand.  (and my standards for a "good date" are lower than almost anyone's I've ever met)  You might think I'm just being picky.... but I assure you... when I recount the majority of the dates I've been on, people CRINGE (and then roll around on the ground laughing until their faces turn purple).  My dating life is bad.  MOST of this is not my fault... but it's statistically improbable that ALL of these bad dates happened to me and only the guys are to blame.  I definitely have my issues as well (which will be addressed in a seperate blog post, naturally).   I'm terrible at dating (have you read my blog or facebook posts? Of course I'm terrible at dating.  I can't even stroll through public places like a normal person without my internal coach telling me how to do it.  I'm sure you are all well aware that I am one big bucket o' awkward.   I decided that I really needed to practice dating... and talking to guys I was mildly attracted to.  So, how does a girl such as I get asked out on dates so she can practice being normal?   Tinder.

So... it happened.  I installed tinder and I started tallying up tools and shopping for men. 

It was all fun and games until the guys I swiped right on started swiping right for me.... and then started up conversations!  I hadn't predicted that I would ACTUALLY get the chance to talk to attractive people and practice dating... I was just doing this so that when people said "You don't even TRY to date!"  I could come back at them with "Ummm no... I do try.  In fact I have taken the most try-y step of all and installed tinder. I even swiped right for some guys!  HA!" (which, by the way worked like a charm.  No one can accuse you of hiding from the dating world when you have a dating app on your phone.)


So... this one guy, we'll call him "Jimmy"... thought that I seemed like a nice, normal girl.  Boy was he in for a treat. 

He messaged me, and we started chatting... nothing too exciting, just the usual get to know you questions:  Where are you from?  Are you working or going to school?  What are you studying?   etc. 
Nice guy.  Seemed normal.  Not a real big connection... but, perfect practice date material. 

Well... a few days after he first messaged me was when my full dose of drugs started to kick in.  I started experiencing some side effects (which I did not realize were from the drugs until over a week later).   What side effects you ask?  Oh just some super severe paranoia and anxiety.


To summarize what happened from there, I'm just going to give all you guys out there some words of advice.   If you are ever in a situation where you meet a girl online who happens to not only be the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to dating... but is also experiencing extreme paranoia at the time... I would avoid the following: 

1. When she mentions that she is new to Tinder and doesn't know how it works... saying that you are a Tinder pro and think it's great. This is not so alarming on it's own... but she will definitely recall it and be freaked out by some of your later behavior
2. Upon asking her about why she is taking a semester off of school and getting the response "God told me to take a semester off so I did, I'm not sure why yet but I'll probably just be working. :)"  Not something to say to a stranger, she typed it out before thinking.  Cut her some slack. She's practicing.  Do not respond with:  "I like how spiritual you are."  ??What??? You don't know how spiritual she is, because you don't actually know her.  You've exchanged less than ten messages back and forth.  Cool your jets on telling her what you like about her. 
3. Calling her two minutes after getting her number and leave a message saying "It's just easier to talk this way especially when there's so much to say.....(meaningful sigh)"  So much to say about what??  So far the conversation has only included basic get to know you questions... and to be honest buddy, it really wasn't flowin'.   Remember.  She is paranoid, on top of being a girl. So she is reading way too much into EVERYTHING.
4. Texting or calling her every single day when she is never starting the conversations. 
5. Calling her at midnight on a Saturday night (or any night).  She's paranoid.  She also happens to have just been informed that Tinder is largely known for hook-ups.  She will probably  avoid answering and then text you and say something like "umm... I probably should have mentioned that I'm not into booty calls.  That's why the first thing in my 'about me' section said VERY LDS.... By VERY I meant: No booty calls."  She will probably realize 2 minutes later that that was an unwise reaction. ... But why the heck do you then want to continue to text her and talk to her?  She's clearly insane. 
6. When you find out that her favorite books to read are romance novels, asking her if they are the "hoochie" kind. 
7. Telling her how miserable your date was that day. Won't really creep her out, but unless it was bad in a funny way... she probably doesn't want to hear about it because she doesn't know you well enough to listen to you talk about how sad you are for blowing 80 bucks on a boring girl.
8. Sending her a selfie with no point to it.  She will probably deactivate her facebook and delete her instagram account at this point, because sending selfies means you're a serial killer. (DUH)
9. Avoid this conversation: 

             -Hey how're you? Just so ya'll know... how're is a real contraction...weird.
             -Hey I'm good but I've actually decided to cut off all of my ties with tinder 
              because for somereason it was really stressing me out haha, but it's been nice
              getting to know you. :) This means YOU are getting cut out of her life.  Because
              she is paranoid and therefore thinks you are completely obsessed with her and
              going to abduct her.
             -Alright, but I think we should talk about this! But best wishes to ya!
             ..... Is this because you think I just want some?
             Oh no... she doesn't think you want to get some.  She thinks you want to kill her
             family, kidnap her, and lock her in a cellar. FOREVER.  (She knows that is a 
             completely illogical conclusion to come to.. but she's been so scared of this
             happening that she's been trembling non-stop for four days now.  So she's
             starting to wonder if this is legit.... because why else would she have this
             constant feeling of impeding doom that started the night you non-booty called
             her?)
             -Thanks for understanding, Did you?  Because that text has her confused... best
             wishes to you too :) Not really.  Really she thinks your a psychopath and wants
             the police to find you so that you go to prison for a long long time.. because
             she's sure that she is currently narrowly avoiding joining at least 10 other girls in
              your cellar. haha no that's not it, I promise.  You seem like a nice guy LIE, the
              whole thing is just stressing me out and I'm trying to cut out unnecessary
              stresses in my life. Truth.  Tinder is hard.
             -blah blah blah I really want to get to know you blah blah blah keep my number
             Your persistence (which really isn't that persistent) is really alarming her.  She
              has said absolutely nothing that should make you want to get to know her more
              ... and you are the tinder pro so you should have plenty of girls waiting in the
              wings and leaving her alone should be no problem... unless you're a crazed
              killer. That's the ONLY logical conclusion.  Well best of luck with figuring out
              why you moved up here!  You're probably supposed to meet a tinder guy ;)
              Okay...no.  That's creepy even to people who aren't experiencing drug-
             induced paranoia and anxiety.
             - I don't think that's it haha inserting nervous laughs in text messages is her way
             of attempting to keep you from knowing how creeped out she is.  She feels like
             if you know that she knows that you're a crazy serial killer who is obsessed with
             her... things will probably escalate way too quickly.  This mere "haha" might
             save her some time.  but thanks, and good luck with all of your future tinder
             endeavors haha
             -I deleted it 8) Refer to #1.  ALARM BELLS will immediately start ringing in her
             head.  Why did the man who loves tinder randomly decide to delete it within
             about an hour of her deleting it??? She now concludes that the only reason you
             would do such a thing is because you are obsessed with her and think you are
             going to marry her and that there is now no reason to date other women.  (
             (Also... what the heck is this face: 8))
             -Why? I thought you were pretty into it? If you've been responding quickly
             consistently up to this point... now is NOT the time to go MIA for a few hours. 
             You're giving her a heart attack, and she's checking outside her window to make
             sure there are no cars parked out front of her house at least every 15 minutes.
             (New text, a few hours later..) Actually, can you please delete my number from
              your phone?  I'll keep yours and if I feel the need to get in contact with you in
              the future I'll text you. She no longer cares if you know that she knows that you
              have crazy intentions.  She is testing you to see if this "I am clearly creeped out
              right now" text gets you to leave her alone... if not...  she's going to finally
              going to tell someone that you're obsessed with her.  Probably the cops.  You
              are going down!
              -Oh... NOW you immediately respond.  Clearly you had no explanation for the
              Tinder deletion.... BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER
              TO MARRY YOU BEFORE KILLING HER.  BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO:
              Course for a bit, it's like any fad though, it gets old!  Later mater. LATER????? She
              knows that by "later mater" you clearly mean "I'll see you when I sneak into your
              room and kidnap you tonight.  Then we shall wed.  Then I'll hack off your head
              with a chainsaw. Sweet dreams my pretty!"  She totally won't sleep that night. 
              AT ALL.  In fact, she is having to pause"My Fair Wedding" throughout the night
              so that she can once again look out the window every 10 minutes to make sure
              you aren't there, and when she has to go out to her car to grab something... she
              will be holding a guitar hero guitar like a baseball bat, scanning the bushes and 
              doing a very defensive walk around her car and scan inside before she opens it
              to grab what she needs.


Sorry, "Jimmy"... but it really wasn't going anywhere anyway.  It's probably best it ended the way it did. 

The Queen has fallen.

I am the QUEEN of interviews.  I have never interviewed for a job without getting the position - usually on the spot, at a higher rate of pay than they originally offered.

Yeah, I'm good.

Awkward, homeless-looking Tiana turns into poised, classy, professional Tiana.

It's a real gift.

I always nail interviews.  ALWAYS.



...

Except for today.


As a not-exactly-last-but-definitely-not-first resort, I decided to apply for a summer job at a clothing store.

I speak English.  I can count money.  I wear clothes.

I sound qualified, right?


Well here's how the interview went:

The store is about 20 minutes away from my house, so I left 40 minutes early so I would get there early and have time to spare.  Great planning, right?

wrong.

I forgot that today was high school graduation... which really wouldn't be such a big deal except that half the county's high schools have their graduation ceremonies in an event center right off the exit I needed to take to get to the store.

I was stuck in standstill traffic on my way to an interview, when I looked down at the clock and realized the interview was supposed to start in 15 minutes and I hadn't moved in 5... I called the store and told them what happened and that I was soooo sorry.

I ended up pulling in right at "my interview time, to the minute.  Not early, but I'd called and they seemed very understanding.

Phew!

Crisis Averted.

ha... yeah, right!

As I came in they handed me a questionnaire to fill out.

Here's a little sample of some of my questionnaire answers:

Please explain the difference between bootcut, flare, skinny, and bell bottom jeans  
.... I drew stick figure pictures of them all.   

(I take back that whole "I speak English" thing I said earlier in my qualifications.)

List a recent event in pop culture
Justin and Selena broke up

(Apparently they already did that and got back together... who knew?)

Please list 5 designer jean brands.  List their price ranges and where you can find each brand.  
I got Lucky jeans at an outlet once for ten bucks.

What are two trends that were in style two years ago but have now gone out of style?
I still wear my mom's clothes from the 1980's.  

(I didn't know trends disappeared once the decade was over, they change by year too?!?)

What are three brands carried at Pac Sun?
**crickets chirp**


After I turned in my mostly-blank questionnaire, I started chuckling to myself as I realized this was CLEARLY not the job for me (read this post to get a brief glimpse at my level of fashion expertise and then add in the fact that the last time I went shopping I ended up walking out of the store with 8 different colors of the exact same plain v-neck t-shirt.)

So... I'll admit, I definitely didn't try very hard in the interview that followed.

The highlight was probably when she asked me what my pet peeve was.... THIS came out of my mouth.  In a formal interview.

What is your pet peeve?

Ninja dates.

Ninja dates???

Yeah, you know... when a guy asks you out on a date but you don't realize he's asking you out on a date.  You think you're going to a big group hangout, so you're never sure if everyone else just bailed or if it is actually a date.... and sometimes you never even find out, YOU NEVER EVEN KNOW! 

..... Uh...huh...riiiiight...

...you know what I mean?  and the worst is when suddenly that guy has taken you on so many ninja dates that you have a boyfriend and you didn't even know you'd been on a date with him.  Like a NINJA BOYFRIEND.

.... ninja boyfriends are your pet peeve?

Yeah!  You've never had the whole "accidental boyfriend" thing happen before?

....can't say I've ever heard of that one..... 


...About 10 seconds into the next question I realized she was probably asking about pet peeves in relation to CLOTHING.... my bad.



Then... to top it all off, there was the grand exit:

I was so mortified by the interview that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.  I pushed open the nearest door and...



*WAAAA WAAAA WAAAA*  




...Set off the emergency alarm.

Open for uncomfortable dinners

Well folks,  this is a monumental day

It's the day I finally realized just how terrible I am at getting dates.

This week I finally became aware of the fact that I haven't worn a full face of makeup in months... yes, I am ashamed.

I also realized that I dress in sweats and t-shirts most of the time.... with holes in them.  (I'm a dance major... cut me some slack!)   

Then I realized that I have no straight guy friends.... seriously, I was looking through my phone and, if I had to find a date for something - it probably wouldn't happen. The only straight guys I know are dating my friends.   (Once again.... dance major here)  

Yeah... that's just straight male FRIENDS... my love interests?  Completely non-existent.   

I'm not kidding when I say I don't even remember how to flirt.  

Last night when 40 year old Luke hit on me at Denny's ("boyfriend?  boyfriend?"), I realized that the last 5 guys who have hit on me have been over the age of 30.... 


yep.


I realized that if I don't start going on dates soon, I'll probably end up getting married after age 40.  

Not that that's the worst thing that could happen, but I can only imagine the anguish it would cause my mother if I took that long to get hitched.

So... I've made a decision.  

Since I obviously can't meet straight men my age on my own... I'm letting people set me up on blind dates.  


DUN DUN DUN!!! 


I don't know if you all know how big this is. 

A girl as prone to awkward situations as I am going on dates with total strangers?  

This is going to be good.  :)


So get excited folks, I'm sure there will be some fabulous awkward tales coming up as a result of this :)  

... and if you know of any normal, nice, relatively good-looking guys, with good hygiene who are looking for a girl to take to frozen yogurt sometime, feel free to send them my way!  

EVERY YEAR. (Awkward family photos)

In case you needed a good laugh... here's a glance at our most recent family photoshoot. 

mocking Bryce... he is the most dramatic child you will ever meet. 

Every year, without fail, someone cries throughout the entire process. 

EVERY YEAR.

Which means every year I laugh my way through this experience. 

George - 1, Tiana - 0

I NEVER bring my house keys with me.

Normally one of my roommates is home, or I'm with them and they have their keys.   

Right now two of my roommates are in China so... the chances someone will be home go down considerably.  I'd been pretty lucky so far, my roommate had been home or I'd actually remembered to bring my keys for once. 

Today, that luck ended. 

I woke up with barely enough time to shove my hair up on top of my head, throw an ugly sweater on, and run off to class.  Lookin' GREAT.  *sarcasm*

I got out of class early and came home to find...... a locked door.

I called my roommate to see if she was home, no answer. 

So... I walked around the house examining my options for entry.  

I found an open window up front, so... I decided to take it.

I hoisted myself up and.....

Got wedged on the ledge.  

For a good three minutes, I was kicking my legs around while I tried to reach for the nearest chair to crawl onto. 

With my bum dangling out the window....

As many, many people walked right by. (one of the bonuses of living right across the street from campus)  

Finally.. after a bit of a struggle...I grabbed hold of the chair and shimmied my way in, did a happy dance to celebrate my successful(ish)  entry, and turned around to shut the window, to see.....

The neighbors across the street, on their porch.  Watching me. 

Well, boys... I hope you enjoyed staring at my perky posterior dangling out of our kitchen, because you will probably see a lot of it in the next two weeks as I am sure there will be many more instances where I forget my keys.

Oh, and don't worry... a few minutes after I squirmed my way in I heard a meow.... upstairs.

I walked up to my roommates room to find our neighbors' cat George. Apparently he was able to somehow get in with all our doors locked.  Most likely without his posterior end hanging out the kitchen window.  

So, I met the neighbors from across the street...

It went like this:

2 big black dudes down the street as I get out of my car (bbd - big black dudes... yes, I'm terrible at being politically correct, deal with it):
"HEY!  HEY!!!!  HEY!  HEY YOU!"

me:
*ignores them thinking their talking to someone else*

bbd:
"HEY!  SUU HOODIE!"  

me:
*turns around in confusion* ... "Are you talking to ME!?"

bbd:
"YES!  I'm sorry.. we just have a question."

me:
"Oh.. Okay..."
*staring at them trying to decide how sketchy they are*

bbd:
"I'm sorry, I promise we're not creeps!"

me:
**walking with very cautious steps and fearful eyes... because we all
know how I feel about rapists (well.. we all know how EVERYONE feels
about rapists)**
"Okay... you can ask me a question, just as long as you don't rape me!" 

YES, that is a DIRECT QUOTE folks.  Awkward, much?  

bbd:
 "We promise."
**walk over**

bbd:
"We're your neighbors from across the street."

me:
"OHHHH!  Hi!  Nice to meet you... what do you need help with?"

bbd:
Can we borrow like.... a really really big POT.

Pretty normal, right?

me:
Ummmm... sure. wait here. 
ain't no way they way they were comin in my house, no matter what promises they made...

*searches for pot.. grab our biggest one*
Is this big enough?

bbd:
"Uhhh... Awwww...." 
**look at each other like disappointed bbd do**
"naw.... I don't think that'll work actually, thanks though."

me:
"We have a slowcooker, will that work?"

bbd:
"How deep?"

me:
*fetches crockpot*

bbd:
"awww.... uhhh.... naw, that prolly won't do it."
**look at each other like there is some inside joke I don't know...**

me:
Can I ask what you're doing with it?

bbd;
*look at each other like... somethin suuuuper sketchy is goin on that
they don't want to tell me about*
"uh... cooking?"

me:
"Umm... I don't believe you, like... at all."

bbd#1: 
"We're conducting an experiment."

Me: 
"An experiment??? come on, you've gotta give me more than that.."

bbd#1:
*looking at bbd#2*  
":Naw, naw man, it's fine, I'll tell her.  Nothing we've gotta hide..."

**** MIND YOU:  At this point my mind is like, goin CRAZY trying to
think of what terrible things someone could do with a big pot... catch
a pool of blood, store cut-off fingers... IDK,.. but I was
concerned.*****

*looking back at me*  

"We were going to cook up some alcohol in it."

Me:
"Aaaaaaaah.  I see.  No can do boys.  You see... I'm actually a molly mormon."

bbd:
"Oh... well, yeah this is awkward.  Nice meeting you."

Me:
"WAIT!  Did you say you were going to cook alcohol?  Umm.. I'm no
expert but....... pretty sure you can't ferment something in an hour."

bbd;
"Yeah... well.. like we said, it's an experiment."

Me: 
"Yeah, I'd say sorry we don't have something you can use, but... I'm not."

bbd:
"Yeah..... well... it's just because, it's a celebration."

Me:
"A celebration?"

bbd:
"Yeah... it's a birthday!"

Me:
"Ever hear of CAKE?"

bbd:
"Whaaat?"

Me:
"Cake, ya know, you eat it to celebrate birthdays."

bbd:
"Awww, right!  Yeah.. that's pretty much what this is supposed to be like."

Me:
"Once again... I'm no expert but... I've never had a cake that tastes
like alcohol before."

bbd:
"No no no the alcohol tastes like cake."

Me:
**raises eyebrows**

"Ahh.. welll.. goodnight. It was nice meeting you.  I'd say sorry I couldn't help ya but... I'm not.   Uh...Good luck...?  Not really? I hope you find something better to do?   I don't know... this is awkward."

bbd:
"Yeah.... goodnight."

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Do not come to my home at 10pm asking for ANYTHING that has to do with alcohol.   

Sometimes I'm pretty sure I resemble a platypus....

... or some other awkward critter.

I really struggle with the simplest tasks in life.  Take, for example, walking.  What a challenge! 

 I'm not even referring to the fact that I trip over air multiple times each day, and run into randomn objects (including, but not limited to: walls, doors, chairs, and human beings) on a frequent basis.   Those are a completely different story, I'm talking about basic walking and all the pressure I feel while doing it. 

When I'm talking to someone or have something to focus my mind on, I'm totally fine, one foot in front of the other, chargin ahead..

I am a walking master.  

...The problem comes when my mind goes blank.  This is when my brain decides to pay attention to what the rest of my body is doing, which we all know is never a good idea.  I start to panic.  What kind of a freak am I?  What is my body doing???   I mean, there's so much running through my mind as I try to coach myself through this.....

1. Pace... too fast, I look like I'm in panic mode (which inside I am, because my mind is blank and all I can think about is how my life is so challenging because I still don't know how to calmly stroll through public places).  Too slow, and I'll look like a lost and confused little child... focus T, you've been doing this for years.  Just, REMAIN CALM. 

2.Legs... Oh gosh.  Are they bending too much?  Not enough?  do they just look weird? It's heel first, right?  Or is that ballet class?  No, toe first in ballet, not normal human mode... right? Oh crap... ooooooh crap... Do I point my toes?  No. Flex?... nope.... that's not right.. relax the foot.  Great. Now I have feet resembling a dead fish   *this is usually where I biff it in full view of a large crowd, but I recover, determined to master this whole "walking" thing*

3.Hips.... Okay, really?  I look like  a total stiff... maybe I should swing them a little bit.  No, no, NO.  This is not a beauty pagaent... and do I really want to emphasize the size of those things?  Didn't think so, let those babies shift back into neutral.

4.Stomach... suck that baby in!  Oh no... now my shoulders are coming up to make room for what is usually a protrusion. Shoulders...  get them down!  Whoa... not that far down, I am not a depressed Ragedy Ann.  Perk  up a bit!  Whoa not that much!  Oh, for the love....

5.Thighs.. Oh my gosh they're touching... They're going to wear away to nothing!!!  (not that that would be so terrible)  Oh snap, they're making a sound.  Swish swish swish swish swish.... That guy just looked at me, he can hear my swishing thighs... back off man!  I'm a woman, don't judge my swish.  Maybe I should just spread my legs out a little bit, walk so my thighs don't touch.  There we go, one foot on either end of the hallway and I'm  golden. 

6.Arms... What the!?!  What am I doing with those things?!??  They're just sitting there clenched to my side as I waddle around?  Everyone around me has a gentle, natural swing to their arms, I've just got to try to be more like that.... I'm going to try this "swinging" business... okay, on three... 1,2,3.. GO!  Whoa!  okay, they should not be swinging up to my line of sight with every step... that's a little aggressive.  Maybe if I bend them a little bit?    Crap.. I totally forgot my arms are hyper-extended... so I have to bend them extra so they look  normal, right?  uh-oh. Nope. Stop right there, those arms are at hard-core jogger status.  Back it off a bit.  I've got this, I just have to observe what everyone else is doing....  what angle is that? 26ish???  Where's my protractor when I need it.......

7.Hands... Why are my hands resembling a machete?  This is not drill team, I was never on drill team, there is no reason to ever EVER have blade hands unless I'm doing the robot.  I just have to relax the hands, let them gently hang by my side, dangling from my arms - which are still COMPLETELY out of control.

8.Head... Straight up. No tilt. I'm the master of the straight head..... Whoa, no! I thought I had this down, definitely not.  Now I look like a giraffe robot.  Maybe I'll give it a little wiggle-sway... Nope.  Epileptic resemblance is waaay too strong right now.  Forget about the head... it's not good for anything anyway....

9.Eyes... Where do I loo- Ahh... attractive man!- No. Staring is socially unacceptable, especially when he is now behind me.  Just look straight ahead, FOCUS.  You've got this.  Oh no, there are people walking by.. I should just remain calm and flash a friendly smile.  I'll probably brighten their day!  WHOA!! What was that?  awkward-glance-and-head-nod-with-the-bottom-half-of-my-two-front-teeth-showing in an attempt at a smile?  Not cool self, not cool.  I'll stick to looking straight ahead, no distractions.  Focus, I've got this... I'm doing gr- oh crap, mouth.  Open?  Closed? halfway?  slight smile?!?!???

10.Breathing... Deep breaths... NOT THAT DEEP!  What am I doing, I think I'm hyperventilating.. CALM DOWN!

I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. 

Any fellow dancers suddenly understanding why I struggle with picking up choreography?  THIS is what goes through my head!  It's really disorganized in there.

Am I really the only one who struggles with this?  Please, if you're out there and you have this problem, comment.  I need to know I'm not alone. 

**note: this process is about 10x more difficult when I'm the only one walking and everyone else is sitting... every time I have to get up and use the bathroom at work, I'm terrified that I'll make a fool of myself walking out of the room.

Phew! Thank goodness someone stopped me from eloping to Vegas!

Sometimes, I have a tendency to explain things poorly... and exaggerate my feelings for men in what I, and most people, think is a humorous manner.  But every once in a while, someone doesn't quite pick up on the whole "joking" vibe, and decides it's time for a serious intervention.  


brief run-down on Tiana-awkward-exaggerated-nonsensical-ness that is my first language  for those of you who don't know me well enough or have a humorous bone in your body... I often say: "We're going to start dating soon, it will happen, I'm determined!"  When what I really mean is:  "He's really really ridiculously good looking"  or I say things like "I plan on marrying him" when what I mean is... "I think he's super attractive AND we actually exchanged some awkward words the other day" get it? good.


sidenote:  there's this guy I think is super attractive at a certain location I frequent - We're getting married.  HA!  that was a test, I hope you were paying attention, because what I really meant was.... he's ridiculously good-lookin', and we speak awkward words together sometimes.


So... yesterday, I got home from my singles ward to find my family in the middle of our home-teaching lesson.  We had a lovely lesson on callings and then our home teacher decided to play catch-up with college me.  So, of course, he asked about how the hunt for a mate was going.  


Home teacher:  So, Tiana, do you have any prospects right now?  Are you dating anyone? 


Me:  (chuckling.. because generally that tends to clear up peoples questions about whether or not I'm joking or  seriously belong in the crazy house)  No, but I'm planning on dating someone soon!  hahaha


Family:  hahahaha (they've all heard my tale about this beautiful specimen of a man before)


Home teacher:  (nervous, confused laughter) Oh, so who is this guy? Tell me about him.


Me:  Well... I see him all the time at [insert location here], and he's just suuuuuuper attractive. I'm pretty sure we're gonna get married. (read in comedic tone)


Family: hahaha... Oh... silly Ti! hahaha


Home teacher: (no laughter, not even the nervous or confused kind) Well, what else do you know about him, do you even know if he's a good guy? 


Me:  Well... that's why we're going to date, so I can find out if he's a good guy... (nervous chuckle as i realize he's not getting the whole "humor" aspect of this conversation)


Home teacher: Is he strong in the gospel?  Does he respect women?  What do you even know about him!?! You want to date him just for his looks???


Me:  Well... he's an RM... and-


Home teacher:  THAT MEANS NOTHING!!!!


Me:  He's funny, and nice, and... I'm just ki-


Home teacher:  *****insert extremely long and unnecessary lecture here detailing why I need to be more careful in my dating life, including, but not limited too:  1. How I should not be handing my kisses out to just any guy who asks.  (HAHAHAHA anyone who knows me please take a moment out of your day to have a good laugh at this one. For those of you who don't... I'm no floosy!)  2. How I should also not be giving any guys any of my attention, or gracing them with my presence unless they fight for it... (hello, spinster-dom!)  3. How I should be careful not to get into an abusive relationship with this guy.... (for all I know he could be a crazy murderer or rapist, right? I've gotta watch out!)  4. Not basing my marriage on looks alone (gee!  I never thought of that... good thing he stopped me before I got to the temple!)  5. How it is important to develop a friendship before dating and marriage (once again... mind BLOWN) 6.  How I need to be careful and not rush into relationships anymore (fun fact... I've never actually been in a relationship.  Most people think I'm toooo cautious and picky. For the record: I'm fine, I just won't waste my time dating someone if I don't like them enough - strange logic, right? I know, I'm a FREAK!)*****


Family: (gets wide eyes, and nervous and confused laughter as they run out of the room and abandon me to this firm scolding)


Me: mmmmmmmk got it.  thanks for the lesson, bye!


Oh how I LOVE these little treats that come with being a young single adult.