Open for uncomfortable dinners

Well folks,  this is a monumental day

It's the day I finally realized just how terrible I am at getting dates.

This week I finally became aware of the fact that I haven't worn a full face of makeup in months... yes, I am ashamed.

I also realized that I dress in sweats and t-shirts most of the time.... with holes in them.  (I'm a dance major... cut me some slack!)   

Then I realized that I have no straight guy friends.... seriously, I was looking through my phone and, if I had to find a date for something - it probably wouldn't happen. The only straight guys I know are dating my friends.   (Once again.... dance major here)  

Yeah... that's just straight male FRIENDS... my love interests?  Completely non-existent.   

I'm not kidding when I say I don't even remember how to flirt.  

Last night when 40 year old Luke hit on me at Denny's ("boyfriend?  boyfriend?"), I realized that the last 5 guys who have hit on me have been over the age of 30.... 


yep.


I realized that if I don't start going on dates soon, I'll probably end up getting married after age 40.  

Not that that's the worst thing that could happen, but I can only imagine the anguish it would cause my mother if I took that long to get hitched.

So... I've made a decision.  

Since I obviously can't meet straight men my age on my own... I'm letting people set me up on blind dates.  


DUN DUN DUN!!! 


I don't know if you all know how big this is. 

A girl as prone to awkward situations as I am going on dates with total strangers?  

This is going to be good.  :)


So get excited folks, I'm sure there will be some fabulous awkward tales coming up as a result of this :)  

... and if you know of any normal, nice, relatively good-looking guys, with good hygiene who are looking for a girl to take to frozen yogurt sometime, feel free to send them my way!  

Bye bye, Baby!

So my sister texted me earlier this week and said "I just can't hold it in anymore... I have to tell you. I'm so twitterpated by this boy!  He's funny and cute and.. blah blah blah" ... what I took this as, is "I think this boy I see around campus is really cute and maybe I talked to him once"  ... I didn't think they were actually interacting!!!

Well..

A few days later she texted me to tell me

SHE HAD HER FIRST KISS!

My initial reaction?

I called her a liar.  

Totally didn't believe her, hurt her feelings - my bad.

The next day, she called and told me the story and that they had decided they wanted to be in a relationship.

What did I do?

SOBBED.

Why did I sob?? I don't know.... part of me was so happy for  her that she finally has a guy she cares about that cares about her.  Part of me was jealous, I won't lie.  Part of me went, "She's my baby sister!  She can't have a boyfriend, she's too young for this!!".  Part of me thought, "What if she gets married and I lose her?????"  The last part of me said "What if she gets hurt?"

All of these emotions came out in the form of tears.

Is this normal??

No!  Not even for me.  This was the most girly, Relief-Society style moment I have had in over a year.



Anyway... that's what's new in my life.  My sister has a significant other and I don't know how to handle it.   All I can say is that he better not hurt my baby sister.


Also... if I felt so conflicted and dramatic over her relationship... I should probably never have a boyfriend.  CLEARLY it would be unhealthy.

Who's up for starting a Mormon convent?

Phew! Thank goodness someone stopped me from eloping to Vegas!

Sometimes, I have a tendency to explain things poorly... and exaggerate my feelings for men in what I, and most people, think is a humorous manner.  But every once in a while, someone doesn't quite pick up on the whole "joking" vibe, and decides it's time for a serious intervention.  


brief run-down on Tiana-awkward-exaggerated-nonsensical-ness that is my first language  for those of you who don't know me well enough or have a humorous bone in your body... I often say: "We're going to start dating soon, it will happen, I'm determined!"  When what I really mean is:  "He's really really ridiculously good looking"  or I say things like "I plan on marrying him" when what I mean is... "I think he's super attractive AND we actually exchanged some awkward words the other day" get it? good.


sidenote:  there's this guy I think is super attractive at a certain location I frequent - We're getting married.  HA!  that was a test, I hope you were paying attention, because what I really meant was.... he's ridiculously good-lookin', and we speak awkward words together sometimes.


So... yesterday, I got home from my singles ward to find my family in the middle of our home-teaching lesson.  We had a lovely lesson on callings and then our home teacher decided to play catch-up with college me.  So, of course, he asked about how the hunt for a mate was going.  


Home teacher:  So, Tiana, do you have any prospects right now?  Are you dating anyone? 


Me:  (chuckling.. because generally that tends to clear up peoples questions about whether or not I'm joking or  seriously belong in the crazy house)  No, but I'm planning on dating someone soon!  hahaha


Family:  hahahaha (they've all heard my tale about this beautiful specimen of a man before)


Home teacher:  (nervous, confused laughter) Oh, so who is this guy? Tell me about him.


Me:  Well... I see him all the time at [insert location here], and he's just suuuuuuper attractive. I'm pretty sure we're gonna get married. (read in comedic tone)


Family: hahaha... Oh... silly Ti! hahaha


Home teacher: (no laughter, not even the nervous or confused kind) Well, what else do you know about him, do you even know if he's a good guy? 


Me:  Well... that's why we're going to date, so I can find out if he's a good guy... (nervous chuckle as i realize he's not getting the whole "humor" aspect of this conversation)


Home teacher: Is he strong in the gospel?  Does he respect women?  What do you even know about him!?! You want to date him just for his looks???


Me:  Well... he's an RM... and-


Home teacher:  THAT MEANS NOTHING!!!!


Me:  He's funny, and nice, and... I'm just ki-


Home teacher:  *****insert extremely long and unnecessary lecture here detailing why I need to be more careful in my dating life, including, but not limited too:  1. How I should not be handing my kisses out to just any guy who asks.  (HAHAHAHA anyone who knows me please take a moment out of your day to have a good laugh at this one. For those of you who don't... I'm no floosy!)  2. How I should also not be giving any guys any of my attention, or gracing them with my presence unless they fight for it... (hello, spinster-dom!)  3. How I should be careful not to get into an abusive relationship with this guy.... (for all I know he could be a crazy murderer or rapist, right? I've gotta watch out!)  4. Not basing my marriage on looks alone (gee!  I never thought of that... good thing he stopped me before I got to the temple!)  5. How it is important to develop a friendship before dating and marriage (once again... mind BLOWN) 6.  How I need to be careful and not rush into relationships anymore (fun fact... I've never actually been in a relationship.  Most people think I'm toooo cautious and picky. For the record: I'm fine, I just won't waste my time dating someone if I don't like them enough - strange logic, right? I know, I'm a FREAK!)*****


Family: (gets wide eyes, and nervous and confused laughter as they run out of the room and abandon me to this firm scolding)


Me: mmmmmmmk got it.  thanks for the lesson, bye!


Oh how I LOVE these little treats that come with being a young single adult.

patient, but ready.

Alright, so as a continuation from my last post about crazy Utah college girls and their opinions on marriage... Here's my further thoughts on the matter:

Throughout the last two years, I have been in almost every category I mentioned in my last post.  My opinion has been swinging from one extreme to the other depending on the week, the day, and the number of friends I'd had get engaged each week.  I'm sure most of you have heard me saying one or more of the following (and I am more than a little ashamed to admit this... ):

"All the good ones are either taken or gay"
 (well.. to be fair, I'm in the dance department... so I really don't meet my fair share of straight guys)

"hmm.. let me think about it... are there going to be a lot of hot RMs there?"

"I just really want to fall in love"

(still true.. I am a hopeless romantic... but not so picky about WHEN I fall in love)

"I'm in a committed relationship with dance"

"a relationship would take me away from my *insert activity here: schoolwork, dancing, pinteresting*,  I don't have time to look at men"

"I can't get married until I've graduated college because, let's face it, if I have a hot husband there's no way Ill be focusing on schoolwork."

"I'll just be a cat lady, with no cats."

"who needs men, anyway?"

"I've got my whole life to be married, I'd like to be single as long as possible before the majority of my life begins"

"the only guys I attract are creepers, I refuse to marry a creep. Therefore... I will never marry."

"I'm on a man fast."

(Yes. I really did go on a man fast, I refused to like anyone, flirt with anyone, or try at all in the man department for a few months.  I'll just explain why I did that and why I called it off in a separate blog post because I have too many words to say about that for it to be a subsection on this post.) 

Pretty conflicting statements, eh?

  Yeah.. imagine being in my brain and trying to sort these out and figure where I stand while hearing very positive arguments from every nutso angle.  

Yep, it's been rough. 

I don't want to be stupid and rush into marriage before I'm ready like a lot of girls do... but, not gonna lie, I'm also super stoked for marriage.  

I mean... just think of all the perks:

-I will always have a person to go to things with... games, parties, movies, whateva


-having someone who (most of the time, from what I've seen...) gets me, and has the same standards as me


-a person you can bounce off of, comedy at it's finest. (at least for me that's absolutely crucial)


-eternal scripture study buddy! 


-someone to set goals with


-someone to make decisions with


-permanent cuddle buddy :) 


-lotsa kissing.


-He will never move away- well... at least not in the kind of marriage I plan on having... we will not be doing a long distance marriage thing... unless it's for a very very very short amount of time.  Living apart for years doesn't really sound like marriage to me.


-someone to cook meals with :)


-no more awkward first dates


-dates!


-always a man to check the house for psychos when you hear weird noises at night


-best friend ...forever! :)  makes me grin just thinking about it! 


-someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and hilarious, and amazing, and that they love me, and all that good stuff. :)


-I won't have to be afraid of getting stuck with crazy roommates! not that my roommates now are crazy - they're fantastic actually! :)


-someone to make me soup when I'm sick :)


-dance partner 


- and i could go on and on and on and on... but most of all.... 
ETERNAL LOVE.. doesn't that just sound like the best thing in the world??? I sure think so. :) 

but

marriage is not all fine and dandy... from what I hear it's actually pretty tricky stuff.  Bills, disagreements, differences between men and women, communication styles, all that jazz... it's tough. 

plus, I find it so crazy that two people can actually fall in love... 

I mean the odds that I will find someone who: 

a) I find attractive
b) has the same standards as
c) has the same sense of humor as
d) I can have long, deep, meaningful conversations with
e) I think is the most incredible guy in the world
f) I can talk to about anything

are super super slim. 

I am one picky chick. 

on top of that... HE has to reciprocate all these things! 

 what are the odds that we are both going to feel the same way about eachother? 

 Plus, he has to be strong in the gospel, love the Lord more than anyone-even me, and meet a bunch of other criteria.

I can't help but wonder how in the world all of that is going to line up...

I've had feelings for amazing guys before - but they haven't felt the same about me.... then I've had guys have pretty strong feelings for me before - but I definitely didn't feel the same about them.

 Blows my freakin mind that people get married every day.  

Seriously.... love is some crazy stuff. 

plus.. 

A lot of the time I really feel terrified of marriage. 

Sometimes I still feel super young, I'm only 20, after all. I graduated high school less than 2 years ago.  

I have never been in love.  

I've never had a boyfriend

...and to be honest I haven't really dated that much at all.   
(which is fine - PLEASE, this is not a desperate cry for dates!  I am not someone who feels the need to be going on dates with a million guys in order to have some self-worth.)

It seems like I should knock those things out first...

 but then again, I honestly don't want to get in a relationship with someone if I think there's no chance I could marry them. 

 Call me crazy, but

 if I don't think there's at least a chance I could marry that person, why date them? 

 where is it going to go?  

It's only going to end in heartbreak.

 So if I don't feel ready to get married, why try to date?

So... I refused to try to do anything to prepare for marriage.. thinking that it would mean I was husband hunting.  

My friend asked me to take "preparing for an eternal marriage" with her at the institute.  Heckno techno.  
If I'm prepared that means I want to get married right now... better off to just be clueless, right?

but then....

I started having these terrifying thoughts... 

what if I run into my eternal companion, but I'm not ready? what if I meet some amazing, incredible guy, but I can't even date him because I haven't made myself amazing and incredible enough for him?  What if Heavenly Father's timing is different than mine?  What if he doesn't want me to be finished with college... what if He wants me to meet my future husband and marry him while I'm still in school... but I refuse to be ready? 

What if????

so then I was just totally confused:

I don't want to be the psycho husband hunter...

 but I want to be ready if it comes earlier than expected... 

so what category do I fit in? Where do I stand???

Well... I've decided that right now... I'm just going to work on being the best person I can be.  I want to be one awesome lady so that one day I deserve an incredible gent.  I want to learn everything I can about building a successful relationship and learning how to date in a way that's going to lead up to an eternal marriage.  (which is why I am, in fact, enrolled in "preparing for an eternal marriage" right now.)  I want to prepare myself in every way possible... because even if it takes 10 years for me to meet the man of my dreams (good grief - I hope not!)  then those 10 years of prep will make me super prepared and I will be one amazing girl by the time he comes into my life.

So... I've come up with a statement explaining my stance on marriage...

Here it is:

BE PATIENT, BUT BE READY.

crazies and marriage

For those of you who haven't been an LDS, female college student in the state of Utah... let me fill you in on the different categories of girls in this situation we have:

Category 1:  The "must-get-married-ASAP" girl:

Now, within this category there are several different sub-categories...

• 1A: The "all the good ones are going to be taken!" girl:

               

     This is not Black Friday ladies, they are a not a limited-time-offer, in fact, there are new males being created EVERY SINGLE DAY

• 1B The "College is for getting married, and if I don't get married, I will have failed" girl:

Just.. no. Singles wards may be for getting married (and learning about the gospel and growing as an individual and all that good stuff... but mostly because they want us all to fall in love with a buddy since they're a pretty key part to the plan of salvation.)  but College is for getting an education, and sometimes you happen to bump into your eternal companion along the way - but that is definitely NOT the purpose of getting your education. 

• 1C The baby hungry girl:

For some reason... some girls think they have to get started having babies RIGHT NOW, because.. I don't know.. they think they're running low on eggs or something?  I don't quite get this one... Motherly instincts, yes.  Urgent? no.

• 1D The "This is a competition, and I WILL WIN." girl:

Youngest to get married wins! Right?  Because that clearly means you're the best catch, right?  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

• 1E The "I can't be happy unless I'm married or in a relationship that I think is going to lead to marraige" girl:

Because pity parties sure make the men show up....not.

Remember this talk?  

The entire thing is fantastic, but my favorite part is the 3rd section he talks about.  "Forget not to be happy now" seriously.  Just be happy.  It's possible, even if you're single, I promise.. I've been doing it for quite a while now and the future's still looking great.

• 1F The "I'm not getting any younger!"  girl:

If you're a college-age girl, this should definitely not be a reason to start extensive husband-hunting.  21 is not nearing expiration by any means, I promise.

• 1G  The girl who just really wants to be in love:

You know... those girls who just want to be in love and they don't really care who it's with.  Just obsessed with the concept of love, and being loved.  The girls who pretty much just want to be married so they can say they're married.

Category 2: The "must put marriage off as long as possible!" girl:

• 2A The "I'm going to be a career woman" girl:

Which is fine in some ways.. but don't dis on stay-at-home moms while you're talking about all your career goals. I plan to properly rant about this in a few blog posts.

• 2B The "people who get married before they graduate college are idiots" girl:

"may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions. " - Thomas S. Monson

Would I prefer to get married after college when it will be less stressful? chyeah. Does that mean I'm going to avoid marraige and dating at all costs until I graduate? Nope.  College is great for meeting people, can anyone deny this? thought not.

• 3B The "I have things to do first" girl

We all know those girls who have a bucket list that would require approximately $1,000,000,000 dollars and 80 straight years of traveling to accomplish... and also believe that a "bucket list" is things that must be done before you get married.  Well have I got news for them... Marriage is actually NOT synonymous with death. So a bucket list can be worked on even after you're married. :)

Basically, most girls my age are either dreading marriage

and thinking everyone who's getting married is insane, or they're husband hunting, and when I say hunting... I mean HUNTING.  It gets a little bit out of control sometimes.

Where do I fall in this mix of confused and struggling girls?  

Stay tuned.  The answer to this question, and more like it...Coming soon to the blog right in front of you, someday when I've got a bit more time to explain my philosophy concerning this love business. :)