When drug-induced paranoia meets Tinder.

DISCLAIMERS:

• I am not trying to pretend like these aren't serious issues when they're long term.  I just happen to see the humor in 99% of situations and I like to point it out.  Don't think I'm mocking you if these are issues you struggle with on a regular basis, because seriously: That sucks.  I just had some humorous results with my minor struggle and I'm totally fine with having a good laugh at MYSELF.  This is not a general mocking, this is all about me :)
• This is probably going to be extremely long and have lots of tangents.... so... it's going to be like every other post I've written. (with even more parentheses than usual) ;)

At the end of the summer I was diagnosed with ADD (not a shock at all, actually a relief because now I can fix it!  Wish I could have figured this out back before I went through high school and 3 years of college struggling with a lack of focus and extreme tendency to procrastinate.).  Doc gave me some meds but I didn't actually start taking them until a few weeks after I moved back home because of a miscommunication (which I will post about some other time). 

So... I started out taking just one pill a day and then I was supposed to upgrade to two pills a day so that I didn't have a dramatic reaction. HA! *snort*

Around the time I started taking 2 pills a day I also opened a TINDER account. 

YES.  YES.  This definitely makes the top 10 list of "Stupidest things Tiana has ever done. Ever. In her entire life.".  I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.  (Don't worry... there will probably be a Tinder blog post because that app is just waaay too easy to make fun of)   Allow me to attempt to justify this:

• This is absolutely terrible and I realize that it sort of makes me an awful human being, but... about 80% of the reason I got a tinder was purely to judge.  Making fun of tools (the men not the items) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So since Tinder is tool-central... I signed up so that I could tally up the number of men whose profiles screamed "tool" or had other strange characteristics.  (shirtless selfies, "About me" sections that only said: "NCMO?", pictures holding up dead animal carcasses (because your face next to a bloody bunny rabbit really makes me want to date you), pictures with no face (i.e. pictures of helmets, pictures of backs, pictures of abs)).... I mean really... how could I resist?  It's just too darn mock-able.
• Here's the thing.  I have a terrible, terrible, terrible, hilariously awkward dating history.  I can count the number of "good" dates I've been on, on one hand.  (and my standards for a "good date" are lower than almost anyone's I've ever met)  You might think I'm just being picky.... but I assure you... when I recount the majority of the dates I've been on, people CRINGE (and then roll around on the ground laughing until their faces turn purple).  My dating life is bad.  MOST of this is not my fault... but it's statistically improbable that ALL of these bad dates happened to me and only the guys are to blame.  I definitely have my issues as well (which will be addressed in a seperate blog post, naturally).   I'm terrible at dating (have you read my blog or facebook posts? Of course I'm terrible at dating.  I can't even stroll through public places like a normal person without my internal coach telling me how to do it.  I'm sure you are all well aware that I am one big bucket o' awkward.   I decided that I really needed to practice dating... and talking to guys I was mildly attracted to.  So, how does a girl such as I get asked out on dates so she can practice being normal?   Tinder.

So... it happened.  I installed tinder and I started tallying up tools and shopping for men. 

It was all fun and games until the guys I swiped right on started swiping right for me.... and then started up conversations!  I hadn't predicted that I would ACTUALLY get the chance to talk to attractive people and practice dating... I was just doing this so that when people said "You don't even TRY to date!"  I could come back at them with "Ummm no... I do try.  In fact I have taken the most try-y step of all and installed tinder. I even swiped right for some guys!  HA!" (which, by the way worked like a charm.  No one can accuse you of hiding from the dating world when you have a dating app on your phone.)


So... this one guy, we'll call him "Jimmy"... thought that I seemed like a nice, normal girl.  Boy was he in for a treat. 

He messaged me, and we started chatting... nothing too exciting, just the usual get to know you questions:  Where are you from?  Are you working or going to school?  What are you studying?   etc. 
Nice guy.  Seemed normal.  Not a real big connection... but, perfect practice date material. 

Well... a few days after he first messaged me was when my full dose of drugs started to kick in.  I started experiencing some side effects (which I did not realize were from the drugs until over a week later).   What side effects you ask?  Oh just some super severe paranoia and anxiety.


To summarize what happened from there, I'm just going to give all you guys out there some words of advice.   If you are ever in a situation where you meet a girl online who happens to not only be the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to dating... but is also experiencing extreme paranoia at the time... I would avoid the following: 

1. When she mentions that she is new to Tinder and doesn't know how it works... saying that you are a Tinder pro and think it's great. This is not so alarming on it's own... but she will definitely recall it and be freaked out by some of your later behavior
2. Upon asking her about why she is taking a semester off of school and getting the response "God told me to take a semester off so I did, I'm not sure why yet but I'll probably just be working. :)"  Not something to say to a stranger, she typed it out before thinking.  Cut her some slack. She's practicing.  Do not respond with:  "I like how spiritual you are."  ??What??? You don't know how spiritual she is, because you don't actually know her.  You've exchanged less than ten messages back and forth.  Cool your jets on telling her what you like about her. 
3. Calling her two minutes after getting her number and leave a message saying "It's just easier to talk this way especially when there's so much to say.....(meaningful sigh)"  So much to say about what??  So far the conversation has only included basic get to know you questions... and to be honest buddy, it really wasn't flowin'.   Remember.  She is paranoid, on top of being a girl. So she is reading way too much into EVERYTHING.
4. Texting or calling her every single day when she is never starting the conversations. 
5. Calling her at midnight on a Saturday night (or any night).  She's paranoid.  She also happens to have just been informed that Tinder is largely known for hook-ups.  She will probably  avoid answering and then text you and say something like "umm... I probably should have mentioned that I'm not into booty calls.  That's why the first thing in my 'about me' section said VERY LDS.... By VERY I meant: No booty calls."  She will probably realize 2 minutes later that that was an unwise reaction. ... But why the heck do you then want to continue to text her and talk to her?  She's clearly insane. 
6. When you find out that her favorite books to read are romance novels, asking her if they are the "hoochie" kind. 
7. Telling her how miserable your date was that day. Won't really creep her out, but unless it was bad in a funny way... she probably doesn't want to hear about it because she doesn't know you well enough to listen to you talk about how sad you are for blowing 80 bucks on a boring girl.
8. Sending her a selfie with no point to it.  She will probably deactivate her facebook and delete her instagram account at this point, because sending selfies means you're a serial killer. (DUH)
9. Avoid this conversation: 

             -Hey how're you? Just so ya'll know... how're is a real contraction...weird.
             -Hey I'm good but I've actually decided to cut off all of my ties with tinder 
              because for somereason it was really stressing me out haha, but it's been nice
              getting to know you. :) This means YOU are getting cut out of her life.  Because
              she is paranoid and therefore thinks you are completely obsessed with her and
              going to abduct her.
             -Alright, but I think we should talk about this! But best wishes to ya!
             ..... Is this because you think I just want some?
             Oh no... she doesn't think you want to get some.  She thinks you want to kill her
             family, kidnap her, and lock her in a cellar. FOREVER.  (She knows that is a 
             completely illogical conclusion to come to.. but she's been so scared of this
             happening that she's been trembling non-stop for four days now.  So she's
             starting to wonder if this is legit.... because why else would she have this
             constant feeling of impeding doom that started the night you non-booty called
             her?)
             -Thanks for understanding, Did you?  Because that text has her confused... best
             wishes to you too :) Not really.  Really she thinks your a psychopath and wants
             the police to find you so that you go to prison for a long long time.. because
             she's sure that she is currently narrowly avoiding joining at least 10 other girls in
              your cellar. haha no that's not it, I promise.  You seem like a nice guy LIE, the
              whole thing is just stressing me out and I'm trying to cut out unnecessary
              stresses in my life. Truth.  Tinder is hard.
             -blah blah blah I really want to get to know you blah blah blah keep my number
             Your persistence (which really isn't that persistent) is really alarming her.  She
              has said absolutely nothing that should make you want to get to know her more
              ... and you are the tinder pro so you should have plenty of girls waiting in the
              wings and leaving her alone should be no problem... unless you're a crazed
              killer. That's the ONLY logical conclusion.  Well best of luck with figuring out
              why you moved up here!  You're probably supposed to meet a tinder guy ;)
              Okay...no.  That's creepy even to people who aren't experiencing drug-
             induced paranoia and anxiety.
             - I don't think that's it haha inserting nervous laughs in text messages is her way
             of attempting to keep you from knowing how creeped out she is.  She feels like
             if you know that she knows that you're a crazy serial killer who is obsessed with
             her... things will probably escalate way too quickly.  This mere "haha" might
             save her some time.  but thanks, and good luck with all of your future tinder
             endeavors haha
             -I deleted it 8) Refer to #1.  ALARM BELLS will immediately start ringing in her
             head.  Why did the man who loves tinder randomly decide to delete it within
             about an hour of her deleting it??? She now concludes that the only reason you
             would do such a thing is because you are obsessed with her and think you are
             going to marry her and that there is now no reason to date other women.  (
             (Also... what the heck is this face: 8))
             -Why? I thought you were pretty into it? If you've been responding quickly
             consistently up to this point... now is NOT the time to go MIA for a few hours. 
             You're giving her a heart attack, and she's checking outside her window to make
             sure there are no cars parked out front of her house at least every 15 minutes.
             (New text, a few hours later..) Actually, can you please delete my number from
              your phone?  I'll keep yours and if I feel the need to get in contact with you in
              the future I'll text you. She no longer cares if you know that she knows that you
              have crazy intentions.  She is testing you to see if this "I am clearly creeped out
              right now" text gets you to leave her alone... if not...  she's going to finally
              going to tell someone that you're obsessed with her.  Probably the cops.  You
              are going down!
              -Oh... NOW you immediately respond.  Clearly you had no explanation for the
              Tinder deletion.... BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER
              TO MARRY YOU BEFORE KILLING HER.  BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO:
              Course for a bit, it's like any fad though, it gets old!  Later mater. LATER????? She
              knows that by "later mater" you clearly mean "I'll see you when I sneak into your
              room and kidnap you tonight.  Then we shall wed.  Then I'll hack off your head
              with a chainsaw. Sweet dreams my pretty!"  She totally won't sleep that night. 
              AT ALL.  In fact, she is having to pause"My Fair Wedding" throughout the night
              so that she can once again look out the window every 10 minutes to make sure
              you aren't there, and when she has to go out to her car to grab something... she
              will be holding a guitar hero guitar like a baseball bat, scanning the bushes and 
              doing a very defensive walk around her car and scan inside before she opens it
              to grab what she needs.


Sorry, "Jimmy"... but it really wasn't going anywhere anyway.  It's probably best it ended the way it did. 

The explanation

So... I'm actually living at home this semester instead of going to school.  Here's the short version and the long version of the story, you can hear about what happened no matter how much time you have. :)

Short version:  I moved down to school last Wednesday, on Friday Heavenly Father told me to move back... so I did.

Long version: All summer all I could think about was getting back to school.  I had an amazing job I love, 2 dance scholarships, a great school schedule, great roommates in a house with perfect location and rent, a small position on student government, choreography ready for the student dance concert, and a LOT of awesome friends.  I was beyond stoked for the new semester to start.  I could not have imagined a better school year waiting for me.

A few days before I was going to head back to school I had some financial problems, it almost looked like I wouldn't be able to go back - but I fought and researched and figured things out. It would be a tight semester, but I could definitely make it with tight budgeting.  My mom kept asking if I wanted to stay home and save money, but I said "No way!  I hate living at home and everything in Cedar City is perfect and waiting for me."

I had planned to leave on Monday, but a TON of things went wrong and I somehow ended up leaving on Wednesday.  I started thinking that this might be a sign that I was supposed to stay home, but dismissed the idea.  I said a prayer and told Heavenly Father that if I was supposed to stay home I would, but he would have to be very VERY clear when he told me because that decision wouldn't make any sense... and then I left.

On my way down I ended up having to get a tire change at a small mechanic shop 45 minutes away from the city I was headed to.  Thankfully someone saw and pointed it out while I was in the drive-through.  What a tender mercy.

I finally made it to my new home and started moving in!  Moving in was great, and my excitement for the new year just kept building :) I was sooo happy and relieved to finally be there.  My roommate/bestie and I caught up and went to dinner, and I was thrilled to be home.  All day Thursday we had a blast continuing the celebration of our reunion.  Thursday night we went to a campus event and I felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward.  I didn't feel like my usual friendly self at all, and I almost felt like I didn't belong there.  I decided it was just a weird mood and headed home.

The next morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach.  I kept feeling like I needed to move home, but I prayed and told Heavenly Father "If you want me moving home you need to send me a flashing neon sign or something.  I need to be sure that it is what you want me to do if I'm going to let all of these people down and give up my perfect life for no reason.".  All day I couldn't eat, and I went to several events that I would normally thrive off of... but instead of feeling my usual happiness and excitement, I felt miserable.  I kept thinking that I might be lying to everyone, and I felt like I couldn't even fake happiness.  I finally decided that I was hormonal (after all, it made NO sense to move home, and it wasn't even something I wanted to do), so I went home and worked on finishing up with unpacking my room.

As I was unpacking, I was praying that these feelings would go away or that I would get a CLEAR answer and know that it was from Heavenly Father.  There was no way I was going home if there was a chance that this was just a weird mood.  I decided to go to the temple the next day to get some clarity.  At about 6:00 a friend called me asking if we had a extra room available for rent in our house.  Immediately I thought "this might be part of my answer", but told her "No.  I'll double check, but I don't think we have any."

I hung up the phone and started sobbing.  I said a quick prayer and felt Heavenly Father answer back, telling me to get a blessing so that I could know what to do NOW instead of waiting a day to go to the temple.

At about 6:30 a friend came over and gave me a blessing.  I won't go into details on what it said, but I will say that during the blessing I felt very strongly that moving home was the right decision, even though it was the hard one... and made zero sense.  One thing the blessing did say was that I would receive confirmation as I studied the words of the prophets and prayed.  As soon as my friend left I pulled out my scriptures and just started flipping through pages until I felt like I should stop and read.  Here are some of the things my eyes flew to:

D&C 98:12

D&C 100:12 and 15

D&C 101:7

D&C 101:16

D&C 103:12

D&C 104

D&C 78:17-20

I stopped and read most of these scriptures because I had things highlighted.  Throughout section 104 I had highlighted over and over again  that if we are faithful, we will be blessed. In 101:16 I had drawn a line under the phrase "be still and know that I am God.".  In section 78 I not only had the section highlighted, but had also drawn a box around the phrase "I will lead you along."... each page I turned to had other things highlighted... but my eye went straight to the topics of faith and trust in the Lord.

As I was reading these scriptures and receiving the constant confirmation that leaving was the right decision, I was bawling.   I was giving up my perfect life, a life where I not only get to do things I love, but also get to help people daily... to return to the place that just days ago I couldn't wait to leave. The place all of my friends had just left, the place where nearly everyday for over 3 months I had told people how badly I wanted to just get back to school already.

It may sound stupid, especially to those of you who don't know much about my life down there and how much I love the dance department... but, I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life.  All I wanted to do was lie on my bedroom floor and cry for days.... and I figured that's exactly what I would do.  I then read a scripture telling me to "not tarry" and felt like I needed to get the leaving over with.  That's when I came across 101:7 They were slow to hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; therefore, the Lord their God is slow to hearken unto their prayers, to answer them in the day of their trouble.

I immediately felt the spirit tell me that I knew what I needed to do, and that I needed to do it right away and not put it off.  I knew that my roommate (one of my best friends) was going to be home at 9:00 and I knew that if I stayed to say goodbye and tried to explain, I would end up as a sobbing puddle on the floor again.  At 7:00 I picked myself up off the floor and started throwing everything I had just unpacked back into boxes and bags.  I texted a friend of mine and asked him to please come at 8:15 to help me move some things.   I wiped my tears and successfully made it through a trip to Walmart to get more packing supplies without having a breakdown in one of the aisles.  When I got home my pal showed up a few minutes later with two of his friends to help me move what he thought was into the house... instead I calmly(ish) told him that I was moving back to Springville and wanted to be out by 9:00.  He and his friends helped me throw everything into the car as I wrote a quick note to my roommates, and just as I had planned... I was on the road home by 9:00.

One hour into my 4 hour drive I stopped to get water and with shaking fingers sent my parents a text message: "Heavenly Father told me to come home.  So I am on the road back now.  Sorry if this messes a lot of things up."

For the first two hours of the drive I think I was crying harder than I ever have... My entire face and both of my arms were tingling and numb. The only thing I'd been able to eat all day had been part of an avocado, and I had barely had any water either.  I was physically and emotionally breaking down... but spiritually felt a strength helping me to keep driving.

I made it home safely and knowing that I made the right decision.

I'll be posting in a few days about some of my experiences since I've moved home (my roommate thinking I had actually been kidnapped because my note was so vague and brief, my parents not really supporting or understanding my decision, what I plan on doing this semester, and some other spiritual experiences)

But since this post is already ridiculously long and I am emotionally drained... I'll wrap up with a few quick thoughts:


-A few people have said "Wow, that must have been such a hard decision!"

... it wasn't.  It wasn't a decision.  If Heavenly Father tells me clearly to do something, I do it.  There's no question.  Ignoring what he tells me is not an option.  He knows and understands everything perfectly, of course I'll follow his guidance and directions.

-This is the hardest, craziest thing I have ever done.  I know it is what God wants, and that makes it easier, but that does not make it easy.  I have cried far less than I thought I would... but still more than any other time in my life.  I've been able to have hard conversations... but they have been through tears, and not all of them have gone well.  I know that this is the right decision, but I am still a bit of an emotional wreck right now.  My perfect life was just turned upside down over the course of about 2 hours, and I don't understand why yet.  I'm still having moments where I forget how to breathe.

-To everyone in my hometown:  Help me stay busy.  Let's go to parties, let's do lunch, let's do anything to keep me from sitting at home and wallowing.  Talking about it is fine, in fact it makes me feel better sometimes to explain and tell someone out loud that I know I made the right decision.  If I'm not in the mood to talk about it, I'll tell you.

-To all of those whom I have bailed on professionally:  I am sorry to leave you in a bind.  I would never do it unless Heavenly Father told me to.  Thank you for being so understanding and forgiving.

-To everyone who is stepping up and taking my place:  Thank you for being so willing, and I know you will do well... call me if you need help or want to talk through anything.

-To everyone who is feeling a little abandoned:  I'm so sorry.  All I can say is that it's breaking my heart and I don't understand why this is what I need to do.  Know that you can call me for anything, I still want to be a friend you can come to for help.

-To everyone who thought I had been kidnapped:  Seriously sorry about that... I was trying to avoid a dramatic goodbye full of sobs, not cause everyone to go into a panic.  I'm alive, and I'm okay.  I promise.

-To everyone:  I'm sorry for avoiding your calls, snapchats, and texts.  There have been times when I feel like I can't pick up the phone or I'll start crying all over again.  I have not been able to respond to all of you because I'm still feeling a little too drained... and some of you are harder to talk to than others simply because of how close I am to you.  If I haven't responded it's probably because I love you a little too much.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Since someone recently commented requesting that I no longer posted about my religion, I just wanted to make something clear: 

I post about funny things that happen to me, my opinions, AND the things that are important to me.

Since the gospel and my relationship with my Heavenly Father matter more than anything else in the world to me, I will definitely continue posting about them.  

Here's the awesome thing about my blog:   If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. :) 

I am totally okay with people disagreeing with me in comments.  We all have our own opinions and that's fine!  When you decide that you want to attack me as a person, I request that you LEAVE MY BLOG IMMEDIATELY.  

thanks. :) 

Modesty: My "Why"

Lately I've seen a lot of posts on the internet regarding modesty and the purposes behind it.  I've also seen a lot of people getting upset over those pro-modesty and anti-bikini posts.  I just wanted to get in on the action and explain why I choose to dress modestly and believe it is an important choice.

(Warning:  If you have read my posts before you know I'm pretty long-winded.  This post is no exception since I want to talk about multiple reasons why I like to dress modestly, instead of just choosing one.  Get comfy.)

It helps guys be just a little less tempted, and helps them see me as a person that deserves respect. 

I know a lot of you don't like this reasoning, because you feel like it says our bodies are bad and a temptation for others and that they compare our bodies to objects.  That's not what I took at all from these posts.  I think they were saying that our bodies should not be compared to objects, but when we dress a certain way that is how men see us.  To me these arguments are telling us to be careful and make sure we send the signal representing the truth - that we are not objects but women who deserve respect and bodies that should be respected as well. 

I have also seen people say that these arguments are blaming women for the thoughts and actions of men.  I don't think they excused the men at all, I think they are just asking that we help make things a little easier on the guys.  I don't know why some girls openly oppose helping guys avoid temptation.  

No, it's not our fault if they feel tempted or choose to act on those temptations.... but what's so wrong with making it easier for them?

Here are two of my favorite internet posts that explain this opinion a little more thoroughly: 

http://www.qideas.org/video/the-evolution-of-the-swimsuit.aspx

http://madeinhisimage.org/the-bikini-question/

It's a sacrifice.

I'll admit, I don't always want to dress modestly... in fact, it's rare that I do want to.  It's hot, I don't like a lot of layers, the immodest clothes are usually cuter and cheaper, and sometimes clothes that aren't "modest" still look super classy  (ummm those gorgeous strapless dresses that Audrey Hepburn used to wear?  Or gowns with the low back?  *siiigh* I just think they are STUNNING)... I could go on but I think you get my point.  Dressing modestly isn't always something that I enjoy.  It's not my first choice.  

It's a choice Heavenly Father has asked me to make, so I'm going to make it and show him I'm willing to make sacrifices to follow Him. 

It's not a BIG sacrifice.

Dressing modestly isn't very hard.  I'm not giving up my home, food, family, or anything of real value or necessity.  It's an easy guideline to follow.  If I can't even follow Heavenly Father's commandment to dress modestly, how am I going to handle things when he asks me to sacrifice something that is actually important to me?

"If the Savior Stood Beside Me" 

Would I want to be wearing something that showed more of my body off to the world than he has asked me to?

People notice.

I've been very blessed in my life to have several people (most I barely knew) mention to me that they have been impressed by my choice to always dress modestly.  I know that people are watching and see what I choose to wear.  Not everyone will tell you they are watching, but trust me, they are. 

I want to attract a guy that is attracted to modesty.

I know that MOST guys tend to go for the girls with the shorter hemlines, or the girls that choose to rock a bikini and show off their hot body.  That's fine, and that doesn't mean those aren't great guys... they just aren't the guys I want to date.  I've got a high standard that a lot of people think is ridiculous.  I want to date someone who is impressed by my modesty and choice to follow Heavenly Father, rather than the body I'm flaunting and my ability to keep up with the latest trends.   I want to date someone who I know supports me in the choosing to live the high standards the Lord has asked me to, and encourages me to dress modestly... instead of making me feel like I need to show off my body to win his attention.

I have more confidence knowing it's not all about my body.

I'm more comfortable having conversations with people when I know they're focused on what I'm saying, instead of how good I look in a bikini.  I also have the added confidence that comes when I make decisions that I know Heavenly Father is proud of.   On the few occasions I've run to the store in my dance shorts, or worn a shirt that was a lower cut than my usual choice, I've felt self-conscious and embarrassed, hoping no one I knew saw and realized I'd given up my standards to save a few minutes of time or follow the latest trend.

It's a way to show everyone that Heavenly Father is my top priority.

People around me, myself, and my Heavenly Father can see just a little more clearly that He is my priority when I choose to dress modestly.  

He asked me to.

Heavenly Father asked me to, and even if all the other reasons disappeared, this one would be enough.