A sweet reminder of His love

I meant to write this post a few weeks ago, but I was too busy fearing for my life because of my medication.

I had a neat experience I wanted to share.

When I made my unplanned move from Cedar, I hadn't been able to fit everything in my car on the way back, so I had to make a trip down there to pick everything up (and of course visit as many people as possible in 3 days time).  As I drove away from the house I was supposed to be living in this semester, I was crying AGAIN.  I thought about how wonderful the weekend was, and how perfect my life was supposed to be that semester, and everything I was missing out on.  I was ready for several hours on the freeway spent wallowing over the dream of a life I was once again driving away from.

On my way out of town, I completely forgot to get gas before getting on the freeway, so I ended up having to pull off at the next exit to grab some.  

As I was filling up my tank watching the price climb higher and higher, I was thinking about an episode of What Would You Do?, an ethics and values candid camera show I used to watch.  In the episode I was thinking of, they had actors carrying a gas can around to various people, begging for gas.  If I'm remembering correctly, they also tried the experiment out with different genders and races to see if the strangers' reactions would differ.  I stood there filling up my tank and pondering what I would do if someone approached me asking for gas.  I'm a college student, so I'm pretty poor, I definitely don't have extra money to spare... but it only took a second for me to decide that I would definitely give them some gas if that situation came up.   I immediately thought "I hope I get the chance to help someone like that someday soon."

and right after I had that thought, the craziest thing happened.

I finished filling up my tank and turned around, and there was a man holding a gas can walking straight towards me with his family following behind. 

I probably freaked the family out, because as soon as I turned and saw them walking towards me I broke out into a HUGE grin. 

Just as I suspected, the man came up to me and explained in broken English that they were on their way to Colorado from California but didn't have the money to pay for gas to make the trip.  He asked if I would be willing to give them a bit of gas to help fill up part of their tank. 

Still wearing my giant smile, I enthusiastically told him that I would love to.  I filled up their gas can, accepted their thanks, and drove away with some very happy tears in my eyes. 

I'm sure they thought that they were the ones being served, but that opportunity to give something to a stranger was exactly what I needed.  It helped me shift my focus from how hard my life felt at the time, to how I could help others.  On the other end of the spectrum, I was also reminded that Heavenly Father remembered and loved me.  Even though I felt like he had asked me to give up everything, He was telling me that not everything I wanted was going to be shot down, even when life is hard there is joy to be found.  As simple as that opportunity was, it was a reminder of my Heavenly Father's love for me, His control over this world and everything in it, and His ability to answer my unspoken prayers.

When drug-induced paranoia meets Tinder.

DISCLAIMERS:

• I am not trying to pretend like these aren't serious issues when they're long term.  I just happen to see the humor in 99% of situations and I like to point it out.  Don't think I'm mocking you if these are issues you struggle with on a regular basis, because seriously: That sucks.  I just had some humorous results with my minor struggle and I'm totally fine with having a good laugh at MYSELF.  This is not a general mocking, this is all about me :)
• This is probably going to be extremely long and have lots of tangents.... so... it's going to be like every other post I've written. (with even more parentheses than usual) ;)

At the end of the summer I was diagnosed with ADD (not a shock at all, actually a relief because now I can fix it!  Wish I could have figured this out back before I went through high school and 3 years of college struggling with a lack of focus and extreme tendency to procrastinate.).  Doc gave me some meds but I didn't actually start taking them until a few weeks after I moved back home because of a miscommunication (which I will post about some other time). 

So... I started out taking just one pill a day and then I was supposed to upgrade to two pills a day so that I didn't have a dramatic reaction. HA! *snort*

Around the time I started taking 2 pills a day I also opened a TINDER account. 

YES.  YES.  This definitely makes the top 10 list of "Stupidest things Tiana has ever done. Ever. In her entire life.".  I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.  (Don't worry... there will probably be a Tinder blog post because that app is just waaay too easy to make fun of)   Allow me to attempt to justify this:

• This is absolutely terrible and I realize that it sort of makes me an awful human being, but... about 80% of the reason I got a tinder was purely to judge.  Making fun of tools (the men not the items) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So since Tinder is tool-central... I signed up so that I could tally up the number of men whose profiles screamed "tool" or had other strange characteristics.  (shirtless selfies, "About me" sections that only said: "NCMO?", pictures holding up dead animal carcasses (because your face next to a bloody bunny rabbit really makes me want to date you), pictures with no face (i.e. pictures of helmets, pictures of backs, pictures of abs)).... I mean really... how could I resist?  It's just too darn mock-able.
• Here's the thing.  I have a terrible, terrible, terrible, hilariously awkward dating history.  I can count the number of "good" dates I've been on, on one hand.  (and my standards for a "good date" are lower than almost anyone's I've ever met)  You might think I'm just being picky.... but I assure you... when I recount the majority of the dates I've been on, people CRINGE (and then roll around on the ground laughing until their faces turn purple).  My dating life is bad.  MOST of this is not my fault... but it's statistically improbable that ALL of these bad dates happened to me and only the guys are to blame.  I definitely have my issues as well (which will be addressed in a seperate blog post, naturally).   I'm terrible at dating (have you read my blog or facebook posts? Of course I'm terrible at dating.  I can't even stroll through public places like a normal person without my internal coach telling me how to do it.  I'm sure you are all well aware that I am one big bucket o' awkward.   I decided that I really needed to practice dating... and talking to guys I was mildly attracted to.  So, how does a girl such as I get asked out on dates so she can practice being normal?   Tinder.

So... it happened.  I installed tinder and I started tallying up tools and shopping for men. 

It was all fun and games until the guys I swiped right on started swiping right for me.... and then started up conversations!  I hadn't predicted that I would ACTUALLY get the chance to talk to attractive people and practice dating... I was just doing this so that when people said "You don't even TRY to date!"  I could come back at them with "Ummm no... I do try.  In fact I have taken the most try-y step of all and installed tinder. I even swiped right for some guys!  HA!" (which, by the way worked like a charm.  No one can accuse you of hiding from the dating world when you have a dating app on your phone.)


So... this one guy, we'll call him "Jimmy"... thought that I seemed like a nice, normal girl.  Boy was he in for a treat. 

He messaged me, and we started chatting... nothing too exciting, just the usual get to know you questions:  Where are you from?  Are you working or going to school?  What are you studying?   etc. 
Nice guy.  Seemed normal.  Not a real big connection... but, perfect practice date material. 

Well... a few days after he first messaged me was when my full dose of drugs started to kick in.  I started experiencing some side effects (which I did not realize were from the drugs until over a week later).   What side effects you ask?  Oh just some super severe paranoia and anxiety.


To summarize what happened from there, I'm just going to give all you guys out there some words of advice.   If you are ever in a situation where you meet a girl online who happens to not only be the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to dating... but is also experiencing extreme paranoia at the time... I would avoid the following: 

1. When she mentions that she is new to Tinder and doesn't know how it works... saying that you are a Tinder pro and think it's great. This is not so alarming on it's own... but she will definitely recall it and be freaked out by some of your later behavior
2. Upon asking her about why she is taking a semester off of school and getting the response "God told me to take a semester off so I did, I'm not sure why yet but I'll probably just be working. :)"  Not something to say to a stranger, she typed it out before thinking.  Cut her some slack. She's practicing.  Do not respond with:  "I like how spiritual you are."  ??What??? You don't know how spiritual she is, because you don't actually know her.  You've exchanged less than ten messages back and forth.  Cool your jets on telling her what you like about her. 
3. Calling her two minutes after getting her number and leave a message saying "It's just easier to talk this way especially when there's so much to say.....(meaningful sigh)"  So much to say about what??  So far the conversation has only included basic get to know you questions... and to be honest buddy, it really wasn't flowin'.   Remember.  She is paranoid, on top of being a girl. So she is reading way too much into EVERYTHING.
4. Texting or calling her every single day when she is never starting the conversations. 
5. Calling her at midnight on a Saturday night (or any night).  She's paranoid.  She also happens to have just been informed that Tinder is largely known for hook-ups.  She will probably  avoid answering and then text you and say something like "umm... I probably should have mentioned that I'm not into booty calls.  That's why the first thing in my 'about me' section said VERY LDS.... By VERY I meant: No booty calls."  She will probably realize 2 minutes later that that was an unwise reaction. ... But why the heck do you then want to continue to text her and talk to her?  She's clearly insane. 
6. When you find out that her favorite books to read are romance novels, asking her if they are the "hoochie" kind. 
7. Telling her how miserable your date was that day. Won't really creep her out, but unless it was bad in a funny way... she probably doesn't want to hear about it because she doesn't know you well enough to listen to you talk about how sad you are for blowing 80 bucks on a boring girl.
8. Sending her a selfie with no point to it.  She will probably deactivate her facebook and delete her instagram account at this point, because sending selfies means you're a serial killer. (DUH)
9. Avoid this conversation: 

             -Hey how're you? Just so ya'll know... how're is a real contraction...weird.
             -Hey I'm good but I've actually decided to cut off all of my ties with tinder 
              because for somereason it was really stressing me out haha, but it's been nice
              getting to know you. :) This means YOU are getting cut out of her life.  Because
              she is paranoid and therefore thinks you are completely obsessed with her and
              going to abduct her.
             -Alright, but I think we should talk about this! But best wishes to ya!
             ..... Is this because you think I just want some?
             Oh no... she doesn't think you want to get some.  She thinks you want to kill her
             family, kidnap her, and lock her in a cellar. FOREVER.  (She knows that is a 
             completely illogical conclusion to come to.. but she's been so scared of this
             happening that she's been trembling non-stop for four days now.  So she's
             starting to wonder if this is legit.... because why else would she have this
             constant feeling of impeding doom that started the night you non-booty called
             her?)
             -Thanks for understanding, Did you?  Because that text has her confused... best
             wishes to you too :) Not really.  Really she thinks your a psychopath and wants
             the police to find you so that you go to prison for a long long time.. because
             she's sure that she is currently narrowly avoiding joining at least 10 other girls in
              your cellar. haha no that's not it, I promise.  You seem like a nice guy LIE, the
              whole thing is just stressing me out and I'm trying to cut out unnecessary
              stresses in my life. Truth.  Tinder is hard.
             -blah blah blah I really want to get to know you blah blah blah keep my number
             Your persistence (which really isn't that persistent) is really alarming her.  She
              has said absolutely nothing that should make you want to get to know her more
              ... and you are the tinder pro so you should have plenty of girls waiting in the
              wings and leaving her alone should be no problem... unless you're a crazed
              killer. That's the ONLY logical conclusion.  Well best of luck with figuring out
              why you moved up here!  You're probably supposed to meet a tinder guy ;)
              Okay...no.  That's creepy even to people who aren't experiencing drug-
             induced paranoia and anxiety.
             - I don't think that's it haha inserting nervous laughs in text messages is her way
             of attempting to keep you from knowing how creeped out she is.  She feels like
             if you know that she knows that you're a crazy serial killer who is obsessed with
             her... things will probably escalate way too quickly.  This mere "haha" might
             save her some time.  but thanks, and good luck with all of your future tinder
             endeavors haha
             -I deleted it 8) Refer to #1.  ALARM BELLS will immediately start ringing in her
             head.  Why did the man who loves tinder randomly decide to delete it within
             about an hour of her deleting it??? She now concludes that the only reason you
             would do such a thing is because you are obsessed with her and think you are
             going to marry her and that there is now no reason to date other women.  (
             (Also... what the heck is this face: 8))
             -Why? I thought you were pretty into it? If you've been responding quickly
             consistently up to this point... now is NOT the time to go MIA for a few hours. 
             You're giving her a heart attack, and she's checking outside her window to make
             sure there are no cars parked out front of her house at least every 15 minutes.
             (New text, a few hours later..) Actually, can you please delete my number from
              your phone?  I'll keep yours and if I feel the need to get in contact with you in
              the future I'll text you. She no longer cares if you know that she knows that you
              have crazy intentions.  She is testing you to see if this "I am clearly creeped out
              right now" text gets you to leave her alone... if not...  she's going to finally
              going to tell someone that you're obsessed with her.  Probably the cops.  You
              are going down!
              -Oh... NOW you immediately respond.  Clearly you had no explanation for the
              Tinder deletion.... BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER
              TO MARRY YOU BEFORE KILLING HER.  BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO:
              Course for a bit, it's like any fad though, it gets old!  Later mater. LATER????? She
              knows that by "later mater" you clearly mean "I'll see you when I sneak into your
              room and kidnap you tonight.  Then we shall wed.  Then I'll hack off your head
              with a chainsaw. Sweet dreams my pretty!"  She totally won't sleep that night. 
              AT ALL.  In fact, she is having to pause"My Fair Wedding" throughout the night
              so that she can once again look out the window every 10 minutes to make sure
              you aren't there, and when she has to go out to her car to grab something... she
              will be holding a guitar hero guitar like a baseball bat, scanning the bushes and 
              doing a very defensive walk around her car and scan inside before she opens it
              to grab what she needs.


Sorry, "Jimmy"... but it really wasn't going anywhere anyway.  It's probably best it ended the way it did.