TOOL TIME. (The Bro-bag Diagnostics Test)

Have you ever sat and pondered the question:  Am I a "tool/bro-bag/man-whore"?  

We here at the bro-bag diagnostics department came together one night and discussed our experiences with tooligans to devise a foolproof method for determining whether or not a young man is a "tool".   Curious about where you fall on the scale of what is acceptable to women?  Take a few moments to ponder and reflect on your life as you go through this checklist of self discovery:

***All items in this checklist are based on actual experiences of the four members of The Bro-bag Diagnostics Team.***

The Tool Checklist 

1.  Are you currently leading, or have you ever, led a girl on with no intention of getting serious or keeping her, therefore wasting her time and carelessly toying with her emotions?
2.  Have you ever led more than one girl on at a time because you “can’t make up your mind?” (Example: Make out with Susie on Monday and Tuesday, invite Jolene over on Wednesday, and then have a date with Gretchen on Friday while still carrying on a very flirtatious text conversation with Susie?) 
3.  Have you ever told more than three girls in a semester that you love them?
4.  Have you ever played a girl and then tried to go for/date one or more of her roommates?
5.  Have you ever openly flirted with a girl or group of girls while your girlfriend was present?
6.   Do you Facebook chat your ex to tell her about the hot girl you met on the bus shortly after your break up?
7.  Have you ever gotten drunk and woken up in bed with someone you did not know, while in a committed relationship?
8.  If the above situation did occur, do you feel it isn’t your fault because you were drunk and don’t remember exactly what happened?
9.  Do you feel that cuddling/physical affection is emotionally meaningless?
10.  Have you ever been interested in a girl but rather than discuss your feelings, the relationship, or where things are going with her, gone to her roommates, neighbor, aunt, gardener and dermatologist to talk about it?
11.   Have you ever kissed a girl and immediately followed it with the statement, “I just want to be friends?”
12.   Have you ever introduced your new crush to your previous crush who was involved in the above mentioned incident THE FOLLOWING DAY?
13.   When you look in the mirror, do you see a God?
14.   Do you frequent the gym and talk about “getting swole"?
15.   Are there two or more pictures of you standing in front of a bathroom mirror holding your phone on your Facebook profile?
16.   Are you carrying on with a relationship you feel is restrictive because it means you can’t make out with other girls?
17.   Is your kissing toll above 15? Above 30? Above 63?
18.   Have you ever forced a girl into physical affection with you to fulfill your sick, twisted, animalistic desires?
19.   Have you ever texted a girl at 2:00 in the morning asking if she needs a ride because you noticed her bike tires were flat? (Have you ever slashed a girls bike tires in order to offer said ride?)
20.   Do you have a split personality or sudden lack of manners when you’re around your bros/homies/buds?
21.   Are you a bigot or homophobe? Both?
22.   Have you ever invited a girl to a party and then ushered her out the front door before it was over when she didn’t do anything to merit such treatment?
23.   Have you ever blatantly refused to come to a girl’s dance concert after two months of being in “like” and five personal invitations from her and her roommates to please come see her perform?
24.   Have you then, the following semester, brought a date to her dance concert?
25.   Have you ever told a girl you are interested in her while wiping off the slobber from your last make-out session with another?
26.   Have you ever asked a girl to sleep with you while in a committed relationship with another girl?
27.   Do you spend more time at the gym than with your girlfriend?
28.   Do you think that paying for a date/dinner guarantees you some action? (i.e. Do you consider dating a mild form of prostitution?)
29.   Have you ever made out with a girl without ever having taken her on a real date?
30.   Have you ever asked a girl to sleep with you in place of asking her out on a date?
31.   Have you ever described your “tool-y” friend without realizing you were actually describing yourself?
32.   Do you think it is entertaining and/or funny to smoke innocent pedestrians with your truck?
33.   Do you wear tool tanks? 
34.   Have you ever purchased a double-deep V neck shirt? 
35.   Do you take pride in your chest hair?
36.   Do you look for opportunities to casually flex your biceps?
37.   Do you think every girl is into you?
38.   Have you ever had difficulty comprehending someone’s disdain for you? 
39.   Do you rotate/pass girls around with your homies/bros/brobags?
40.   Do you think being cultured and educated about the arts--even minimally--is sissy or gay?
41.   Do you rush girls into commitments or the road to marriage and then turn around and say, “I have to think about it?”
42.   Do you fake an accent to pick up chicks?
43.   Do you wear pooka shells on a regular basis?
44.   Have you ever taken a girl on a 13 hour first date to meet your parents?
45.   Have you ever neglected to do anything about the fact that your date has become seriously injured on your date? (i.e. concussion, sprained ankle, bleeding from the limbs, head, etc.) 
46.   Have you ever complained to your date about spending money on her when you were the one who asked her out in the first place?
47. Have you ever taken a date to a dance and within 5 minutes of arrival explained to her that you were going to take off to go "party boy on those girls over there"?
48. After telling your girlfriend that you cheated on her, have you ever said, “Call me if you get bored?” as she tromped off your porch?
49.   Have you ever yelled at your date to “stand her ground” while she was being attacked by wildlife?
50.   Do you have a girl on the back burner?
51.   Is it your goal to kiss every girl in a certain organization/club/choir?
52.   Do you practice your smolder?
53.   Do you press on the gas of your extremely loud and obnoxious diesel truck while driving past someone’s house so they know you drove by?
54.   Do you exert more than five catcalls a day? A week?  A month?  A year? ... a lifetime?
55.   Is your truck lifted? (How lifted? Award yourself points accordingly.)
56.   Do you wear white stitched jeans?
57.   Is Tap Out your go to brand?
58.  Have you ever sent a girl you have yet to go on a first date with shirtless selfie snapchats asking her to come over for “nap time”?
59.   Do you think it is plausible to bench press 250 pounds but become completely incapable of physical exertion when someone needs help moving, cleaning, or transporting something? Explain.
60.   Have you ever pointed out a girl’s zit and/or told her she will never get married and/or asked her if she’s pregnant because you don’t understand what an empire waistline is?
61.   Have you ever been a landlord and said the above mentioned things to your tenants?
62.  Have you ever asked a girl you have yet to go on a first date with (or meet in person at all) to come give you a massage at two in the morning?
63.  Have you ever commented to a girl you are pursuing that Topanga Lawrence, (goddess of all 90’s sitcoms) was “a little thick for your taste”?
64.  Do you understand the term “rape kiss” and have you ever committed this completely unwarranted crime to a woman? More than once on a first date?
65.  Have you ever intentionally left your jacket in a girl’s vehicle as a foolproof way of securing a second date? (Spoiler Alert: It wasn't foolproof.  Your jacket is still in the trunk of my car.)
66.  Have you ever declared that you are only interested in a woman with “at least” a PhD because you want to be with someone who can actually have an "intelligent conversation"?  Have you made this comment while not possessing a PhD yourself? 
67.  While engaged have you ever made promises, or even hints, to another girl regarding the future of your relationship? 
68.  Are you experienced in the art of “booty calls”?
69.  Have you ever made out with a girl and then three minutes later told her you weren’t the least bit interested because she would restrict you from finding your eternal companion?
70.   And if so, were you already pursuing things with a second girl when that happened, thus lying to two innocent women at once?
71.   Do you go by multiple names so you can date multiple girls at the same time?
72. Are you under the impression that you are God's gift to womankind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, here are a few more to ask yourself:

1.  Do you care about other people’s feelings?
2.  What happened in your life to make you so cold, careless, and detached?
3.  How do you expect to ever have anything really special with someone when you throw everything away on a regular basis?
4.  Are you capable of loving another person more than yourself?
5.  Do you understand the term narcissism?
6.  Do you ever look at your life and look at your choices?
7.  What does the phrase “use and abuse” mean to you?
8.  Have you ever gone more than two weeks since beginning college without making out with someone?
9.  What about integrity?
10.   Do you realize there is more to a girl than her outward appearance?
11.   Do you want to end up with an idiot for the rest of your life/eternity?
12.   How important is interesting conversation to you, or do you like talking to a wall with a nice fake tan?
13.   Do you realize you may be contributing to a degrading, immoral society?
14.   Where do you want to be in 10 years and what are you doing about it now?
15.   Was your ex girlfriend too good for you? (Yes. Yes, she was.)

***This list was made during what experts now refer to as "The Great Feminine Rage-fest of 2013".  Elevated estrogen levels were used in the making of this exam***