You are His.

So... this is me being the most vulnerable I've ever been on the blog.   I'm posting a picture of my journal entry from last night... because I think that sometimes being vulnerable allows your experiences and insights to help others.   A lot of people will probably read this and think it's dumb, but that's okay because I'm not posting this to get attention, or compliments, or validation.  I'm posting this because I don't need those.  I'm posting this because I was having a rough week when I started writing in my journal, fully intending to vent... and instead Heavenly Father gave me comfort and confidence as I wrote - changing the message I was sending to myself.  I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who struggle with this a lot more than I do.  There are people who feel the way I felt for the past few weeks all the time.  There are people who might need to hear this.  Maybe one of those people will read this blog, and maybe it will remind them to change their perspective like it helped me remember to change mine.. 

 

P.S.  God is amazing.  He has so many incredible ways of answering my prayers and helping me to remember the things he's been telling me all along.   He is SO great. 

and so are you.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)



The explanation

So... I'm actually living at home this semester instead of going to school.  Here's the short version and the long version of the story, you can hear about what happened no matter how much time you have. :)

Short version:  I moved down to school last Wednesday, on Friday Heavenly Father told me to move back... so I did.

Long version: All summer all I could think about was getting back to school.  I had an amazing job I love, 2 dance scholarships, a great school schedule, great roommates in a house with perfect location and rent, a small position on student government, choreography ready for the student dance concert, and a LOT of awesome friends.  I was beyond stoked for the new semester to start.  I could not have imagined a better school year waiting for me.

A few days before I was going to head back to school I had some financial problems, it almost looked like I wouldn't be able to go back - but I fought and researched and figured things out. It would be a tight semester, but I could definitely make it with tight budgeting.  My mom kept asking if I wanted to stay home and save money, but I said "No way!  I hate living at home and everything in Cedar City is perfect and waiting for me."

I had planned to leave on Monday, but a TON of things went wrong and I somehow ended up leaving on Wednesday.  I started thinking that this might be a sign that I was supposed to stay home, but dismissed the idea.  I said a prayer and told Heavenly Father that if I was supposed to stay home I would, but he would have to be very VERY clear when he told me because that decision wouldn't make any sense... and then I left.

On my way down I ended up having to get a tire change at a small mechanic shop 45 minutes away from the city I was headed to.  Thankfully someone saw and pointed it out while I was in the drive-through.  What a tender mercy.

I finally made it to my new home and started moving in!  Moving in was great, and my excitement for the new year just kept building :) I was sooo happy and relieved to finally be there.  My roommate/bestie and I caught up and went to dinner, and I was thrilled to be home.  All day Thursday we had a blast continuing the celebration of our reunion.  Thursday night we went to a campus event and I felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward.  I didn't feel like my usual friendly self at all, and I almost felt like I didn't belong there.  I decided it was just a weird mood and headed home.

The next morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach.  I kept feeling like I needed to move home, but I prayed and told Heavenly Father "If you want me moving home you need to send me a flashing neon sign or something.  I need to be sure that it is what you want me to do if I'm going to let all of these people down and give up my perfect life for no reason.".  All day I couldn't eat, and I went to several events that I would normally thrive off of... but instead of feeling my usual happiness and excitement, I felt miserable.  I kept thinking that I might be lying to everyone, and I felt like I couldn't even fake happiness.  I finally decided that I was hormonal (after all, it made NO sense to move home, and it wasn't even something I wanted to do), so I went home and worked on finishing up with unpacking my room.

As I was unpacking, I was praying that these feelings would go away or that I would get a CLEAR answer and know that it was from Heavenly Father.  There was no way I was going home if there was a chance that this was just a weird mood.  I decided to go to the temple the next day to get some clarity.  At about 6:00 a friend called me asking if we had a extra room available for rent in our house.  Immediately I thought "this might be part of my answer", but told her "No.  I'll double check, but I don't think we have any."

I hung up the phone and started sobbing.  I said a quick prayer and felt Heavenly Father answer back, telling me to get a blessing so that I could know what to do NOW instead of waiting a day to go to the temple.

At about 6:30 a friend came over and gave me a blessing.  I won't go into details on what it said, but I will say that during the blessing I felt very strongly that moving home was the right decision, even though it was the hard one... and made zero sense.  One thing the blessing did say was that I would receive confirmation as I studied the words of the prophets and prayed.  As soon as my friend left I pulled out my scriptures and just started flipping through pages until I felt like I should stop and read.  Here are some of the things my eyes flew to:

D&C 98:12

D&C 100:12 and 15

D&C 101:7

D&C 101:16

D&C 103:12

D&C 104

D&C 78:17-20

I stopped and read most of these scriptures because I had things highlighted.  Throughout section 104 I had highlighted over and over again  that if we are faithful, we will be blessed. In 101:16 I had drawn a line under the phrase "be still and know that I am God.".  In section 78 I not only had the section highlighted, but had also drawn a box around the phrase "I will lead you along."... each page I turned to had other things highlighted... but my eye went straight to the topics of faith and trust in the Lord.

As I was reading these scriptures and receiving the constant confirmation that leaving was the right decision, I was bawling.   I was giving up my perfect life, a life where I not only get to do things I love, but also get to help people daily... to return to the place that just days ago I couldn't wait to leave. The place all of my friends had just left, the place where nearly everyday for over 3 months I had told people how badly I wanted to just get back to school already.

It may sound stupid, especially to those of you who don't know much about my life down there and how much I love the dance department... but, I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life.  All I wanted to do was lie on my bedroom floor and cry for days.... and I figured that's exactly what I would do.  I then read a scripture telling me to "not tarry" and felt like I needed to get the leaving over with.  That's when I came across 101:7 They were slow to hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; therefore, the Lord their God is slow to hearken unto their prayers, to answer them in the day of their trouble.

I immediately felt the spirit tell me that I knew what I needed to do, and that I needed to do it right away and not put it off.  I knew that my roommate (one of my best friends) was going to be home at 9:00 and I knew that if I stayed to say goodbye and tried to explain, I would end up as a sobbing puddle on the floor again.  At 7:00 I picked myself up off the floor and started throwing everything I had just unpacked back into boxes and bags.  I texted a friend of mine and asked him to please come at 8:15 to help me move some things.   I wiped my tears and successfully made it through a trip to Walmart to get more packing supplies without having a breakdown in one of the aisles.  When I got home my pal showed up a few minutes later with two of his friends to help me move what he thought was into the house... instead I calmly(ish) told him that I was moving back to Springville and wanted to be out by 9:00.  He and his friends helped me throw everything into the car as I wrote a quick note to my roommates, and just as I had planned... I was on the road home by 9:00.

One hour into my 4 hour drive I stopped to get water and with shaking fingers sent my parents a text message: "Heavenly Father told me to come home.  So I am on the road back now.  Sorry if this messes a lot of things up."

For the first two hours of the drive I think I was crying harder than I ever have... My entire face and both of my arms were tingling and numb. The only thing I'd been able to eat all day had been part of an avocado, and I had barely had any water either.  I was physically and emotionally breaking down... but spiritually felt a strength helping me to keep driving.

I made it home safely and knowing that I made the right decision.

I'll be posting in a few days about some of my experiences since I've moved home (my roommate thinking I had actually been kidnapped because my note was so vague and brief, my parents not really supporting or understanding my decision, what I plan on doing this semester, and some other spiritual experiences)

But since this post is already ridiculously long and I am emotionally drained... I'll wrap up with a few quick thoughts:


-A few people have said "Wow, that must have been such a hard decision!"

... it wasn't.  It wasn't a decision.  If Heavenly Father tells me clearly to do something, I do it.  There's no question.  Ignoring what he tells me is not an option.  He knows and understands everything perfectly, of course I'll follow his guidance and directions.

-This is the hardest, craziest thing I have ever done.  I know it is what God wants, and that makes it easier, but that does not make it easy.  I have cried far less than I thought I would... but still more than any other time in my life.  I've been able to have hard conversations... but they have been through tears, and not all of them have gone well.  I know that this is the right decision, but I am still a bit of an emotional wreck right now.  My perfect life was just turned upside down over the course of about 2 hours, and I don't understand why yet.  I'm still having moments where I forget how to breathe.

-To everyone in my hometown:  Help me stay busy.  Let's go to parties, let's do lunch, let's do anything to keep me from sitting at home and wallowing.  Talking about it is fine, in fact it makes me feel better sometimes to explain and tell someone out loud that I know I made the right decision.  If I'm not in the mood to talk about it, I'll tell you.

-To all of those whom I have bailed on professionally:  I am sorry to leave you in a bind.  I would never do it unless Heavenly Father told me to.  Thank you for being so understanding and forgiving.

-To everyone who is stepping up and taking my place:  Thank you for being so willing, and I know you will do well... call me if you need help or want to talk through anything.

-To everyone who is feeling a little abandoned:  I'm so sorry.  All I can say is that it's breaking my heart and I don't understand why this is what I need to do.  Know that you can call me for anything, I still want to be a friend you can come to for help.

-To everyone who thought I had been kidnapped:  Seriously sorry about that... I was trying to avoid a dramatic goodbye full of sobs, not cause everyone to go into a panic.  I'm alive, and I'm okay.  I promise.

-To everyone:  I'm sorry for avoiding your calls, snapchats, and texts.  There have been times when I feel like I can't pick up the phone or I'll start crying all over again.  I have not been able to respond to all of you because I'm still feeling a little too drained... and some of you are harder to talk to than others simply because of how close I am to you.  If I haven't responded it's probably because I love you a little too much.

Modesty: My "Why"

Lately I've seen a lot of posts on the internet regarding modesty and the purposes behind it.  I've also seen a lot of people getting upset over those pro-modesty and anti-bikini posts.  I just wanted to get in on the action and explain why I choose to dress modestly and believe it is an important choice.

(Warning:  If you have read my posts before you know I'm pretty long-winded.  This post is no exception since I want to talk about multiple reasons why I like to dress modestly, instead of just choosing one.  Get comfy.)

It helps guys be just a little less tempted, and helps them see me as a person that deserves respect. 

I know a lot of you don't like this reasoning, because you feel like it says our bodies are bad and a temptation for others and that they compare our bodies to objects.  That's not what I took at all from these posts.  I think they were saying that our bodies should not be compared to objects, but when we dress a certain way that is how men see us.  To me these arguments are telling us to be careful and make sure we send the signal representing the truth - that we are not objects but women who deserve respect and bodies that should be respected as well. 

I have also seen people say that these arguments are blaming women for the thoughts and actions of men.  I don't think they excused the men at all, I think they are just asking that we help make things a little easier on the guys.  I don't know why some girls openly oppose helping guys avoid temptation.  

No, it's not our fault if they feel tempted or choose to act on those temptations.... but what's so wrong with making it easier for them?

Here are two of my favorite internet posts that explain this opinion a little more thoroughly: 

http://www.qideas.org/video/the-evolution-of-the-swimsuit.aspx

http://madeinhisimage.org/the-bikini-question/

It's a sacrifice.

I'll admit, I don't always want to dress modestly... in fact, it's rare that I do want to.  It's hot, I don't like a lot of layers, the immodest clothes are usually cuter and cheaper, and sometimes clothes that aren't "modest" still look super classy  (ummm those gorgeous strapless dresses that Audrey Hepburn used to wear?  Or gowns with the low back?  *siiigh* I just think they are STUNNING)... I could go on but I think you get my point.  Dressing modestly isn't always something that I enjoy.  It's not my first choice.  

It's a choice Heavenly Father has asked me to make, so I'm going to make it and show him I'm willing to make sacrifices to follow Him. 

It's not a BIG sacrifice.

Dressing modestly isn't very hard.  I'm not giving up my home, food, family, or anything of real value or necessity.  It's an easy guideline to follow.  If I can't even follow Heavenly Father's commandment to dress modestly, how am I going to handle things when he asks me to sacrifice something that is actually important to me?

"If the Savior Stood Beside Me" 

Would I want to be wearing something that showed more of my body off to the world than he has asked me to?

People notice.

I've been very blessed in my life to have several people (most I barely knew) mention to me that they have been impressed by my choice to always dress modestly.  I know that people are watching and see what I choose to wear.  Not everyone will tell you they are watching, but trust me, they are. 

I want to attract a guy that is attracted to modesty.

I know that MOST guys tend to go for the girls with the shorter hemlines, or the girls that choose to rock a bikini and show off their hot body.  That's fine, and that doesn't mean those aren't great guys... they just aren't the guys I want to date.  I've got a high standard that a lot of people think is ridiculous.  I want to date someone who is impressed by my modesty and choice to follow Heavenly Father, rather than the body I'm flaunting and my ability to keep up with the latest trends.   I want to date someone who I know supports me in the choosing to live the high standards the Lord has asked me to, and encourages me to dress modestly... instead of making me feel like I need to show off my body to win his attention.

I have more confidence knowing it's not all about my body.

I'm more comfortable having conversations with people when I know they're focused on what I'm saying, instead of how good I look in a bikini.  I also have the added confidence that comes when I make decisions that I know Heavenly Father is proud of.   On the few occasions I've run to the store in my dance shorts, or worn a shirt that was a lower cut than my usual choice, I've felt self-conscious and embarrassed, hoping no one I knew saw and realized I'd given up my standards to save a few minutes of time or follow the latest trend.

It's a way to show everyone that Heavenly Father is my top priority.

People around me, myself, and my Heavenly Father can see just a little more clearly that He is my priority when I choose to dress modestly.  

He asked me to.

Heavenly Father asked me to, and even if all the other reasons disappeared, this one would be enough.

MAN UP.

Sorry if this post is a little long... I think it's important for both guys and girls and I hope everyone can learn/be reminded of something. 


I'm sick of piggish boys thinking it's fine to act disrespectful.  It's wrong and I will not tolerate it.  


I had an interesting evening yesterday.  

I was minding my own business... just catching up with some friends on Facebook while I tried to fix something on my computer.   

Suddenly, Skype went off telling me I had a notification. 

I had been randomly added to a conversation with a huge group of people, by some kid I barely knew in high school who somehow ended up in my skype contacts. 

I started reading, trying to figure out what was going on, and was absolutely APPALLED by the things these boys were saying.  There was some definite"bro-talk" going on.  

I couldn't figure out how to get out of the conversation and stop getting notified every time someone said something.  (I was waiting to chat with a friend on skype otherwise I would have just  closed out of the program completely - I probably should have still done that.) Finally, I just asked "What is this? " "Why am I in this conversation?"

All this did was get the boys' attention to the fact that there was a girl none of them knew (or at least, knew they knew), who was somehow in this conversation.  

Instead of stopping their "locker room talk", they turned it on me.

Rude comments were made... Not only about me, but to me.  I was asked to perform sexual favors and send inappropriate pictures...  I was horrified by the fact that these boys were actually saying these things to me, and not one of them was standing up against the others. 

All I kept asking was how to get out of the conversation.  None of the boys would tell me.   They just kept egging each other on as the comments got worse and worse.   I probably should have left, but I was mad and I didn't want these boys to get away with thinking this was okay.   

I gave them a SMALL piece of my mind (should have given them more), but they still kept going.

Finally, some boy took pity on me and removed me from the conversation, since I couldn't figure out how to do it myself.  

I was ticked.  I was beyond ticked, I was livid. 

Yes, I am aware they were joking.  Yes, I understand that was "bro-talk", and I've heard that "boys will be boys."    That does not make it okay. 

After texting a friend about what happened, I found out that these boys were all preparing to serve missions, some had even received their calls already. 

A few of the boys hunted me out on Facebook and messaged me to apologize afterwards. 

I didn't tell those boys everything I wanted to, in fact I wish I would have said more. 

I did, however, tell these boys that what they did was not okay under any conditions.  Peer pressure is not an excuse to turn any girl into an object.  I let them know that I was disappointed when I learned that they were preparing to serve missions.  I explained that it is NEVER okay to talk to OR around a woman like that.  

Then I told them I accepted their apology. 
That was hard.  Most of the apologies didn't seem very genuine.  I wasn't ready to let "I'm sorry" be enough... but I'm not going to let myself have that hate in my heart.  Thankfully it's my job to forgive, not to judge.

I said something to those boys,I tried to get them to understand how inappropriate their behavior was.   But, let's be real.  I doubt it really had an impact on them, and even if it did, there are still so many other guys out there just like them. So I'm writing this post and hoping maybe THIS reaches someone.



Here are my takeaways from this experience:

BOYS:

1.  It is NEVER okay to speak crudely around, or to a girl/woman.  NEVER.

2.  It is NEVER okay to turn women into an object.  Whether you say these disrespectful things to their face or behind their back, you are still in the wrong.   

3.  I know it must be hard to find friends who don't act like this.  Too bad.  You should care more about having a good relationship with your Heavenly Father anyway, He's the one whose opinion really matters.   Sometimes you have to stand alone, man up and do it.  

4. NEVER use peer pressure as an excuse for your behavior.  I understand it's hard.  That doesn't make it okay.   Be the standout who stops disrespect.  

Guys, try a little harder to deserve us.  We'll do our best to be worth the extra effort. 



GIRLS:

 

(I thought I'd try pin-language first to get my point across)

1. Be careful who you date.  You don't want someone who's going back and participating in "locker room talk"  with his buddies about you after you hangout.  

2. DO NOT LET GUYS GET AWAY WITH THIS.  Seriously.  It sounded to me like conversations like this had happened between these boys before with a girl involved.  Why do these boys think it's okay to ask these things or make those comments?   Aren't they getting shut down hardcore each time they say something like that?  Apparently not.  I guess us girls are sending the message that it's okay. STOP.
       -Call them out.  If a guy is acting disrespectful and you don't like it, tell him.
       - Stop rewarding their bad behavior.  Don't laugh it off like it's no big deal and keep hanging out with the guys, leave.  
3. Don't do anything at all to encourage them.  Specifically, watch your language and dress modestly.  Not because "boys will be boys" and it's our job to make it easier on them,  but because you should have more self respect than that.  You don't need attention from the guys who want you because you show a lot of skin, or because you can crack a dirty joke.  You need attention from guys who think you are amazing.  You need attention from the guys who would be mad to see anyone treat you with a even a tiny sliver of disrespect. 

They're out there, girls.  Those guys worth dating.   Those men who think you're worth staying clean for.  The boys who care enough about you and their Heavenly Father to stand up for you, instead of joining in the "bro-talk".  Be patient.  Wait for them.  The more we as women settle for being treated like dirt, the more they will treat us that way.

Attention from a guy is not the most important thing in the world.  You can wait until you find one who gives you the right attention.



Let's all decide to not let things like this happen anymore.  The reason instances like this have become normal and acceptable is because we let them.  

George - 1, Tiana - 0

I NEVER bring my house keys with me.

Normally one of my roommates is home, or I'm with them and they have their keys.   

Right now two of my roommates are in China so... the chances someone will be home go down considerably.  I'd been pretty lucky so far, my roommate had been home or I'd actually remembered to bring my keys for once. 

Today, that luck ended. 

I woke up with barely enough time to shove my hair up on top of my head, throw an ugly sweater on, and run off to class.  Lookin' GREAT.  *sarcasm*

I got out of class early and came home to find...... a locked door.

I called my roommate to see if she was home, no answer. 

So... I walked around the house examining my options for entry.  

I found an open window up front, so... I decided to take it.

I hoisted myself up and.....

Got wedged on the ledge.  

For a good three minutes, I was kicking my legs around while I tried to reach for the nearest chair to crawl onto. 

With my bum dangling out the window....

As many, many people walked right by. (one of the bonuses of living right across the street from campus)  

Finally.. after a bit of a struggle...I grabbed hold of the chair and shimmied my way in, did a happy dance to celebrate my successful(ish)  entry, and turned around to shut the window, to see.....

The neighbors across the street, on their porch.  Watching me. 

Well, boys... I hope you enjoyed staring at my perky posterior dangling out of our kitchen, because you will probably see a lot of it in the next two weeks as I am sure there will be many more instances where I forget my keys.

Oh, and don't worry... a few minutes after I squirmed my way in I heard a meow.... upstairs.

I walked up to my roommates room to find our neighbors' cat George. Apparently he was able to somehow get in with all our doors locked.  Most likely without his posterior end hanging out the kitchen window.  

Life's not fair.

I just need to let this out, even though I shouldn't.  I tried writing a letter and not showing anyone, but I'm being an emotional teenage girl right now, who needs to tell the world about why she's upset.  So, since I don't have anyone to tell, and no one really reads this. I'm putting it here... and I'll probably end up deleting it tomorrow because I'll realize it was stupid and negative of me to post it, but I'm posting it.   I'm sick of no one knowing what's going on and I'm sick of everyone being afraid to ask.

Sometimes life isn't fair.

I want to be the skinny, talented girl going to China again with all of my friends.

I don't want to be the one who was told that I wouldn't be invited back for reasons I don't know and understand.

I've been dealing with it fine for the past few months, I was just happy for my friends who get to go.

...but for some reason, last night... I just cracked.

Last year I wasn't the skinny, talented girl who deserved to go to China with all of my friends.  

For some reason, Heavenly Father decided to let me have opportunity I didn't deserve.   For some reason, Heavenly Father felt like I deserved to have adventures and learn some lessons on the other side of the world.

For some reason, life wasn't fair.

It would have been fair for the older, more talented dancers to go.  They had worked hard for longer and were much more skilled in both technique and performance than I was.  They deserved it, but life wasn't fair, and I took a place that many of them should have had.

For some reason, Heavenly Father wants me to stay on this side of the world this time.  He wants me to be the one left behind this time.

For some reason, this time, life is fair.  

Guess what... sometimes it's harder when life is fair.

Sometimes I'm pretty sure I resemble a platypus....

... or some other awkward critter.

I really struggle with the simplest tasks in life.  Take, for example, walking.  What a challenge! 

 I'm not even referring to the fact that I trip over air multiple times each day, and run into randomn objects (including, but not limited to: walls, doors, chairs, and human beings) on a frequent basis.   Those are a completely different story, I'm talking about basic walking and all the pressure I feel while doing it. 

When I'm talking to someone or have something to focus my mind on, I'm totally fine, one foot in front of the other, chargin ahead..

I am a walking master.  

...The problem comes when my mind goes blank.  This is when my brain decides to pay attention to what the rest of my body is doing, which we all know is never a good idea.  I start to panic.  What kind of a freak am I?  What is my body doing???   I mean, there's so much running through my mind as I try to coach myself through this.....

1. Pace... too fast, I look like I'm in panic mode (which inside I am, because my mind is blank and all I can think about is how my life is so challenging because I still don't know how to calmly stroll through public places).  Too slow, and I'll look like a lost and confused little child... focus T, you've been doing this for years.  Just, REMAIN CALM. 

2.Legs... Oh gosh.  Are they bending too much?  Not enough?  do they just look weird? It's heel first, right?  Or is that ballet class?  No, toe first in ballet, not normal human mode... right? Oh crap... ooooooh crap... Do I point my toes?  No. Flex?... nope.... that's not right.. relax the foot.  Great. Now I have feet resembling a dead fish   *this is usually where I biff it in full view of a large crowd, but I recover, determined to master this whole "walking" thing*

3.Hips.... Okay, really?  I look like  a total stiff... maybe I should swing them a little bit.  No, no, NO.  This is not a beauty pagaent... and do I really want to emphasize the size of those things?  Didn't think so, let those babies shift back into neutral.

4.Stomach... suck that baby in!  Oh no... now my shoulders are coming up to make room for what is usually a protrusion. Shoulders...  get them down!  Whoa... not that far down, I am not a depressed Ragedy Ann.  Perk  up a bit!  Whoa not that much!  Oh, for the love....

5.Thighs.. Oh my gosh they're touching... They're going to wear away to nothing!!!  (not that that would be so terrible)  Oh snap, they're making a sound.  Swish swish swish swish swish.... That guy just looked at me, he can hear my swishing thighs... back off man!  I'm a woman, don't judge my swish.  Maybe I should just spread my legs out a little bit, walk so my thighs don't touch.  There we go, one foot on either end of the hallway and I'm  golden. 

6.Arms... What the!?!  What am I doing with those things?!??  They're just sitting there clenched to my side as I waddle around?  Everyone around me has a gentle, natural swing to their arms, I've just got to try to be more like that.... I'm going to try this "swinging" business... okay, on three... 1,2,3.. GO!  Whoa!  okay, they should not be swinging up to my line of sight with every step... that's a little aggressive.  Maybe if I bend them a little bit?    Crap.. I totally forgot my arms are hyper-extended... so I have to bend them extra so they look  normal, right?  uh-oh. Nope. Stop right there, those arms are at hard-core jogger status.  Back it off a bit.  I've got this, I just have to observe what everyone else is doing....  what angle is that? 26ish???  Where's my protractor when I need it.......

7.Hands... Why are my hands resembling a machete?  This is not drill team, I was never on drill team, there is no reason to ever EVER have blade hands unless I'm doing the robot.  I just have to relax the hands, let them gently hang by my side, dangling from my arms - which are still COMPLETELY out of control.

8.Head... Straight up. No tilt. I'm the master of the straight head..... Whoa, no! I thought I had this down, definitely not.  Now I look like a giraffe robot.  Maybe I'll give it a little wiggle-sway... Nope.  Epileptic resemblance is waaay too strong right now.  Forget about the head... it's not good for anything anyway....

9.Eyes... Where do I loo- Ahh... attractive man!- No. Staring is socially unacceptable, especially when he is now behind me.  Just look straight ahead, FOCUS.  You've got this.  Oh no, there are people walking by.. I should just remain calm and flash a friendly smile.  I'll probably brighten their day!  WHOA!! What was that?  awkward-glance-and-head-nod-with-the-bottom-half-of-my-two-front-teeth-showing in an attempt at a smile?  Not cool self, not cool.  I'll stick to looking straight ahead, no distractions.  Focus, I've got this... I'm doing gr- oh crap, mouth.  Open?  Closed? halfway?  slight smile?!?!???

10.Breathing... Deep breaths... NOT THAT DEEP!  What am I doing, I think I'm hyperventilating.. CALM DOWN!

I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. 

Any fellow dancers suddenly understanding why I struggle with picking up choreography?  THIS is what goes through my head!  It's really disorganized in there.

Am I really the only one who struggles with this?  Please, if you're out there and you have this problem, comment.  I need to know I'm not alone. 

**note: this process is about 10x more difficult when I'm the only one walking and everyone else is sitting... every time I have to get up and use the bathroom at work, I'm terrified that I'll make a fool of myself walking out of the room.