lessons re-learned

A few months back I was driving back to school after spring break when I looked down and saw that my gas was just above empty.  I knew an exit with a gas station was coming up and decided that I would just stop there.  Well, as the exit was approaching and I tried to change lanes so I could exit, I realized that I was completely blocked in.  I tried my best to get into the right lane, but I hadn't noticed the problem in time.  As I passed the exit and looked down at my gas gauge my heart dropped a little bit.  The needle was now dangling below the empty line.. and I had learned from previous experience that this car didn't have enough of a reserve to get me more than a few miles.  I was about halfway along on my three hour drive, so making someone come rescue me would be asking them to take two hours of their time - not to mention the gas money.   Immediately I started praying, asking Heavenly Father to please help my car last until the next gas station.  I slowed down and coasted as much as possible as I said a preading prayer as I passed exit after exit that did not have a gas station. My prayers worked and I miraculously made it to the gas station in Beaver and filled up my tank after driving for about 40 miles with basically no gas in my car.  I spent the remainder of my drive home thanking Heavenly Father for his merciful miracle and promising to never get myself in that situation again.

I spent last weekend down visiting Southern Utah.  While leaving Cedar City I thought about filling my car up with gas, but after running a few things over in my mind, decided instead to fill it up later on in my journey because it would make things simpler.  I passed the halfway point without filling up - I still had enough gas to make it to the next stop, and by then I would need to use the bathroom, so I figured waiting until I was already going to need to stop made more sense.  I turned up my music and drove on... right past the exit with a gas station I had intended to stop at. 

As I drove past the exit, I realized that I had spaced out and quickly looked at the gas gauge.  I suddenly realized that my fuel economy was not what I had thought it was, and I was definitely in trouble: the tank was once again below empty.  As I started driving, trying to remember now far it was to the next exit, panic set in.  I started praying as hard as I could, and my prayer went something like this:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know this car probably can't make it to the gas station alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.

As I pulled into the gas station 20 later, and said a prayer of gratitude... I replayed through my prayers in my head.  I thought about a particular flaw that I have, a mistake I repeatedly make in my life.  It's frustrating to me to be less than the good person I know I should be.  Heavenly Father has helped me overcome this particular weakness time and time again.  He has worked a miracle and helped me learn my lesson over and over again.  He has repeatedly helped me defeat my flaw, and I have repeatedly let myself down and felt this terrible quality slip back up again even though I know it's not who I want to be.  I had let this shortcoming sneak back into my life once more, and was naturally very upset with myself for not being the better person I knew I should be.   I was scared to ask Heavenly Father for help again... scared that He would tell me He had given up on me, scared that he would say, "I already helped you with this when you didn't deserve it, you got yourself into this mess, and I don't have to help you get yourself out of it".  Scared and ashamed as I was, I started to pray:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know that I probably can't make it where I need to go alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.


In my life I am constantly shocked at how very human I am.  I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again instead of learning them the first time... if I only had to learn lessons once I would probably be darn near perfect after 22 years.  I am thankful for a plan that allows me to learn and re-learn the lessons that make me a better person, and for a perfect, merciful Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me the help I need even when it's not the help I deserve.

To all you failures and losers out there...

Hey guys, sorry it's been a while.  My laptop was broken for a bit there (yes, yes, all of you who know of my ongoing battle with technology go ahead and laugh - I didn't even do anything wrong this time, I swear!)... anyway I wasn't about to go use the library computer to blog with people walking by staring at what I'm posting.  This post won't be as funny as a lot of the past ones, but maybe some of you will be able to relate... and maybe this will help someone discover (or rediscover)  what I've discovered (and rediscovered) through the past few weeks.  I'll start out with a poem that a friend of mine shared in sacrament meeting.  The week she shared this was a week I desperately needed it.  I was in the middle of a hard time, where I felt like everything was going wrong, and that I was a COMPLETE failure at everything.  This poem gave me the strength to pick myself up and keep trying.  I'm sure a lot of you have heard it before.. but I think it's one worth reading again.

The Race

They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win the race. 
Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place. 
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son, 
And each boy hoped to show his dad, that he would be the one. 

The whistle blew, and off they went, Young hearts and hopes afire. 
To win, to be the hero there, was each young boy's desire. 
And one boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd, 
Was running near the head, and thought: "My dad will be so proud!"

But as they speeded down the field, across a shallow dip
The little boy, who thought to win, lost his step, and slipped. 
Trying hard to catch himself, his hands flew out to brace
And mid the laughter of the crowd, he fell flat on his face.

So, down he fell, and with him hope, he couldn't win it now. 
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow. 
But as he fell, his dad stood up, and showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said: "Get up and win the race."

He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit, that's all. 
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. 
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs; he slipped and fell again!

He wished then, he had quit before, with only one disgrace. 
"I'm hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn't try to race."
But in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face, 
That steady look that said again; "Get up and win the race!"

So, up he jumped to try again, ten yards behind the last. 
"If I'm to gain those yards", he thought, "I've got to move real fast!"
Exceeding everything he had, He gained back eight or ten, 
But trying so to catch the lead, He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! he lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye. 
"There is no sense in running more; three strikes I'm out, why try?"
The will to rise had disappeared, All hope had fled away. 
So far behind, so error prone, a loser all the way. 

"I've lost, so what's the use," he thought, "I'll live with my disgrace."
But then, he thought about his dad, who soon he'd have to face. 
"Get up!" an echo sounded low, "Get up and take your place!
You were not meant for failure here, Get up and win the race!"

"With borrowed will, get up," it said, "You haven't lost at all!
For winning is no more than this, TO RISE EACH TIME YOU FALL!"
So up he rose to run once more, And with a new commit, 
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit!

So far behind the others now, the most he'd ever been. 
Still he gave it all he had, and ran as though to win. 
Three times he'd fallen stumbling. Three times he'd rose again. 
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end. 

They cheered the winning runner, as he crossed the line first place, 
Head high, and proud, and happy. No falling, no disgrace. 
But when the fallen youngster crossed the line in last place, 
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race. 

And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud. 
You would have thought he won the race to listen to the crowd. 
And to his dad, he sadly said, "I didn't do so well."
"To me, you won!" his father said, "You rose each time you fell!"

In my life I have made more than my fair share of mistakes.  

I've said a lot of words that should have never been said.  I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have done.  Not only that... but I've also been silent when there were words I should have said.  I've sat back and relaxed when there were things I should have done. 

I have failed A LOT.  

It's hard.  It hurts to fail, especially when I know it's my own fault... no outside forces, no excuses.  Just stupidity, laziness, pride, and bad judgement. 

I fail at something every single day.  NEVER does a day go by that I don't mess up in some way.  Never does a day go by that I don't regret at least one choice I've made.  Never does a day go by where I can't think of anything I could have handled better.

 I am NEVER anywhere near perfect. 

 NEVER.

It's really tough to not feel inadequate when failure happens on a daily basis. 

Watch this little inspirational country song, it helps me feel a little better

when I'm feeling like I suck at life... Tim always knows what to say :)

I am constantly getting better.  I am always improving and learning.

Since leaving for college I've learned and progressed a lot....

I've learned to be waaaay less dramatic, because my life's not hard, and I don't need to act like it is to get attention.  I've learned to act like an adult (most of the time) 

I've learned how to tolerate(and not only tolerate, but love) people, without tolerating their sins.  I've learned that being the first to apologize is more important than winning the argument.  I've learned to control my temper more. I've learned to fight fire with class.  I've learned to stand up for what I believe in... even when I feel like I'm standing alone.  I've learned to let the little things go.  I've learned to be grateful and positive.

I'm still working on all these things, but I've grown a ton!  I try really hard every day to do what President Hinckley said and:

"stand a little taller... rise a little higher... be a little better."

BUT


no matter how hard I try...

I still mess up every day.  

I still make so many mistakes that it overwhelms me.  

I still fall short.

...Which is why it's a good thing I've learned my most important lesson:

I have learned about the strength found in the atonement. 

I've learned that there are two kinds of help the atonement provides.. the cleansing and redeeming power, and the strengthening and enabling power. read this talk by Elder Bednar if you want to find out more about these two powers

I've learned that I need both of these to make it through every. single. day.

I am turning to him to become better, and it's working.

I still mess up, and I still have days that I feel like a complete failure, but He is still there.


 I know that there is always someone up above rooting for me, someone who loves me more than I can comprehend.  Someone who knew I was going to mess up in this life, so He suffered for me so that through His grace I can make it through okay.  

Because of Him, I will never be alone.  Because of Him, I can keep improving, no matter how bad I mess up. Because of Him, as long as I'm choosing the right, I will always have the only person that matters on my side.  Because of Him, I can get through any trial... big or small.  Because of Him, my mistakes can be erased. Because of Him, if I'm trying my best, everything will work out. (maybe not in my timetable... or in the way I expect/want... but it will work out)  Because of Him, I can find strength to keep going after I've messed up. 


 Because of Him, as long as I keep going and keep trying... one day, I can be perfect.