This is important. #YesAllWomen

A few weeks back I had a friend post about #YesAllWomen, not knowing what it was, I searched the hashtag.   I found these tweets and realized how much #YesAllWomen hits home:

"#YesAllWomen because ‘I have a boyfriend’ is more effective than ‘I’m not interested’—men respect other men more than my right to say no"

"Because every single woman I know has a story about a man feeling entitled to access to her body. Every. Single. One. #YesAllWomen"

"I shouldn't have to hold my car keys in hand like a weapon & check over my shoulder every few seconds when I walk at night #YesAllWomen"

"Girls grow up knowing that it's safer to give a fake phone number than to turn a guy down. #yesallwomen"

"#yesallwomen because apparently the clothes I wear is a more valid form of consent than the words I say"

"In college, a police officer told us to scream FIRE if we were in danger of being assaulted otherwise people won't get involved #YesAllWomen"

"Because if I know I will be out til after dark, I start planning my route home hours, even days, beforehand #yesallwomen"

"Because men don’t have to text eachother that they got home safe. #YesAllWomen"

I have been lucky enough to not be a victim of sexual abuse in my lifetime... but only because of promptings and fast defensive actions on my part.  There have been too many close calls while walking alone late at night. #YesAllWomen needs to be trending because these things shouldn't happen every day.  We shouldn't have to be constantly on guard, and we shouldn't have to just put up with the things guys say to us... we shouldn't be taught to laugh off offensive remarks, or take crude comments as "flattering".

I have walked around my car examining the inside for a hiding person while clutching my keys through my fingers too many times to count.

I've driven the three blocks to rehearsal most nights not due to laziness, but out of fear.

I have changed my hair from a ponytail into a bun when I walked home because I've been told ponytails are easier for rapists to grab you by.

It's become instinct to cross the street when someone else is walking towards me or behind me after dark.

I have been told that I am crazy for going to Walmart at midnight by myself because it's unsafe for a girl to be in a parking lot that late alone.

#YesAllWomen is important because I shouldn't have to do those things.  #YesAllWomen is important because people are finally standing up and saying that it's not okay.  #YesAllWomen is standing up not just about the big things, but also about the close calls, the harrassment, and all of the little things that we are sick of being scared of or putting up with.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because when I dress modestly, it should be because I want to, not as a form of self preservation.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because it's spreading the word that "No." doesn't mean "Yes".

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I have felt like my life was in danger multiple times simply because I rejected a guy.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because men shouldn't expect to be applauded for their honesty when in crude terms they tell me they want to sleep with me a few moments after meeting me.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because there were times I should have called the police but I did not because I didn't want to overreact - and because the things that happened seemed insignificant due to how common they are. 

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I have been harrassed online and in person, by both people I knew and complete strangers. 

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I have had to literally run for my life several times from men who had been hiding behind bushes.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I have held crying rape victims in my arms.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because when I stood up for myself and said that I wouldn't tolerate being treated like a sex object, I was told that I was overreacting because "guys will be guys".

#YesAllWomen is important because when a guy makes a joke about rape and I refuse to laugh, I'm the one who gets the hostile looks.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I have sat shaking and crying on a bathroom floor because of what *almost* happened to me.

#YesAllWomen is important to me because I am one of the lucky ones. 




#YesAllWomen is important because I am the rule, not the exception.

#YesAllWomen is important because these things happen every day.

#YesAllWomen is important because I am normal.

In response to: 'Why I Took "Returned Missionary" Off My Checklist"

 I would highly recommend reading this post, since she has a lot of excellent points. 


First of all, I am so glad that someone FINALLY wrote a blog post on this subject that is going semi-viral in the Mormon community.  I remember young women's lessons on eternal marriage where we wrote down qualities we wanted our future companions to have, I remember making my checklist of "MUST HAVE" qualities and proudly putting "Returned Missionary" right at the very top, along with everyone else in my class.  I remember being applauded by my YW leaders for my high standards and reminded not to stray on that quality.  I went to college with this set standard in mind, vowing to only date RMs.

It didn't take long for me to realize two things:  1)  That the title "RM" does not automatically make a man a good man, a temple worthy man, a kind man, or a Christ-like man.  I realized that many missionaries went out dishonestly.  I think we all know of at least one young man we KNOW was not worthy to go (because there are some things you just can't fully repent of in 2 weeks), but who went to keep up appearances and gain leverage in dating.  2) That lacking the title "RM" does not automatically mean a man is not a good man, a temple worthy man, a kind man, or a Christ-like man.

Many of my best friends have been guys who did not serve missions.  Some did not serve because of mental or health reasons, some did not serve because they were converted to the church later on in life, some did not serve because their testimony wasn't strong enough at the time, and some did not serve because of *gasp*  WORTHINESS ISSUES.

This is what I want to focus on today.  I think Arianna wrote a fantastic blog post... but no one can be expected to cover every aspect of a subject in one blog post.  It would be a million miles long and no one would want to read it.  So, I have something to add.   I felt that her blog post focused on those who could not serve because of circumstances out of their control.  I want to talk about boys who could not serve as a direct result of poor choices.

I have several very close friends who were not able to serve missions because of worthiness issues.  These are some of the best men I know.  They are kind, they serve others, they attend church regularly because they realize the good it can do for them - not just to keep up appearances, they are temple-worthy and many of them are working towards getting their standard temple recommend, they are good men, they are Christ-like men.  As I've talked to these men about their experiences, I have been absolutely disgusted at the way they have been treated, particularly in the YSA dating arena.   Girls will ask them whether or not they served a mission and when they get a "no" will either 1) snub them completely and explain that they can't date them - sometimes can't even hangout with them.  2) quickly ask them WHY they did not serve - hoping that it was for a medical reason.    (First of all, NOT YOUR BUSINESS... especially if you just met the guy, second of all, does it really matter why someone made a choice they made 2 or 3 years ago when they were a different person?)  THEN snub them when it was not a reason out of their control.

Girls, STOP.  Seriously.  As friends of these boys I can tell you that you are missing out on some incredible, honest, real guys who have every spiritual quality you could ever ask for in a spouse.  You are not only missing out, but you are also hurting people in the process.  I have watched as these awesome young men dealt with missions coming up as the topic of conversation.  I have seen them try to stay strong as people passed judgement and looked at them like they were broken because they were missing the title of RM.  I have cringed as girls have given them the cold shoulder, or returned missionaries have raised their disapproving eyebrows and then continued to talk about how every girl should look for an RM because they don't think anyone could be a real man without having the experiences one has on a mission (and I will admit... I have gotten pretty sassy with those people as I pointed out why I thought they were out of line).

I am sick of seeing my friends, especially those who have fully repented and turned into wonderful men (thought those who have not yet should still be loved, not snubbed  (double parentheses - "loved, not snubbed" isn't that a good one??? let's keep that in mind as we go throughout life... everyone should be "loved, not snubbed.")), be rejected by society and specifically girls they are trying to date, simply because of who they were several years ago.

Let's switch gears for a minute and talk about the Atonement.  I have been flabbergasted for years now at how people can claim to have faith in the Atonement, and not give a great guy who didn't serve a mission a chance.   Faith in the Atonement and it's healing and changing power means faith in it's ability to work for EVERYONE, not just faith to see it work in your own life.  It means faith in it's ability to change a person, even a person who has dealt with a huge hurdle of a sin, even a person who was at one point not worthy to serve a mission.

So....

To all the RMs out there, stop using your title as a pedestal to look down on others from.

To all you gals out there, give the guys a shot.  When deciding whether or not to date a guy, look at who he is now, not who he was when he was 19.  Look at his current actions, not his past mistakes.  Look at who he is striving to become, not who he is pretending to be.     See him as the Savior would, and pray for guidance when dating any man - because no title or experience is guaranteed to make someone Christ-like. 

To all you wonderful guys who didn't serve missions, particularly because of worthiness issues... thanks for being honest.  I'm sorry if I ever snubbed instead of loved, and I hope you don't let the judgements of others discourage you.  Keep chuggin'.  :)

Kids say the darndest things.

A few weeks ago my mom sent me an email with a list of memories she had written down while I was growing up. If you're a parent, I highly recommend doing this and surprising your kid with it some week when they're having a hard time with life... definitely did the trick and got me smiling. Of course once I found out how adorable I was as a child I decided that I had to brag about my cute childhood self and give you all the chance to laugh at some of these moments too. Enjoy. :)

1 week old – Tiana was lying on top of the covers on top of Dad’s chest.  The phone rang and Dad snapped the covers which sent Tiana flying to the bottom of the waterbed.  She didn’t even wake up, but it sure scared her Mom and Dad.

2 years old – when Tiana was turning 2 she had her cousins Danielle, Melissa, and Devin Jones over to celebrate her birthday.  She had 4 presents from her Mom & Dad.  When we gave her the presents, she gave one to each of her cousins to open then opened one herself.  We tried to tell her they were all for her but she just didn’t care or want that.

Don't try to tell me you didn't just say "awww" in your head as you read that. I know that pulled at your heartstrings

2 years old – Tiana’s prayers by self after Tomlinson’s dog was ran over.  “Help me be good.  Help me be nice to people and gentle.  Help me be careful to not cross the street and Roxanne and Buffy not to be sad.”

2 years old – Tiana at the mall with Mom.  She had two pieces of candy and was just opening up one piece to eat when she noticed another girl watching her.  She went and gave her the other piece.  The other Mom was so shocked she gasped.

Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard!?  

2 years old – out in the hall at church.  She sees the Sunbeams heading into Primary.  She folds her arms and tries to walk in with them.

2 years old – walking through a park with Mom.  A very handsome young adult was talking to a group,  when he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Look at that pretty girl!” about Tiana.

I like that my mom mentioned his level of attractiveness, definitely an important detail to add to the story. Handsome young adult men thought I was good looking... at least... back when I was 2. :)

2 years old – walking with Mom around the block.  A boy scout is riding his bicycle.  He stops and tells me Tiana is very pretty.

Apparently the boy scout was not significantly good looking.

3 years old – Tiana reading a book called Possum come a’ knockin’ out loud while Kayli sat there slobbering/teething:   

“Grandma was a knitting,

And Kayli was a spittin’,

When a possum come-a-knockin’ at the door.”

3 years old – sitting by Mom on the couch says, “Your eyes are like a pool that people go swimming in.”

Child prodigy poet.

3 years old – Tiana was a very observant child.  Right when we entered Grandma’s house she said, “Grandma, you finished your picture!  It’s so pretty!”  None of the rest of us had notice the needlepoint work that was done on the piano bench.

3 years old – again observant.  Grandma, you put up new drapes!”  I hadn’t even noticed the new curtains at the back door but they were the first thing to catch Tiana’s eyes.

3 years old – as related to me by Bart Manwaring, Kurt’s dad.  Kurt had been blind since birth and didn’t like coming to church.  He and Tiana were lining up to go to Primary and Tiana went up to Kurt in the hall.  She said, “Hi, my name is Tiana,” and took his hand.  She said something else that was inaudible and Kurt turned to her and said, “I love you too.”

Okay, I lied.. THAT is the most adorable thing you've ever read!  Am I right?? AM I RIGHT?!??!?

3 years old – was very concerned about Mary being married to Joseph because Heavenly Father and Mary had Jesus.

3 years old – When Dad was going to ride on a bareback horse with Tiana for a few steps, he started sliding off the side and held Tiana up high so she wouldn’t hit the ground.  She didn’t know Dad had fallen off, she just thought that he had helped her down because she was frightened.  She turned to Dad and said, “Thank you, Daddy, THANK YOU!!!”

Is anyone else curious about why my Dad and I were riding on a bareback horse?

3 years old – Dad wanted to take Tiana rafting with him, Melanie Cloward, and Traci Wilcock.  Mom didn’t feel good about it and told Dad how she felt.  When Dad came back, he told them about how the river was running dangerously high and when they came to a bridge, a branch from under the water caught the raft and flipped everyone out.  Traci got caught in the branches and Melanie just headed downstream because she couldn’t swim.  Norm had to help Traci.  They were so glad that Tiana hadn’t gone because they were sure someone would have died if Dad had had to help Tiana too.  Once again she was protected.  

4 years old – At Walmart.  We were having picture taken in their studio.  A man stops his wife and says, “Look at that beautiful girl!”

I also love how many of my mom's memories were just people telling her how pretty I was. Great job mom! You've really produced some quality spawn. :)

5 years old – Watching a Sesame Street episode about different people to call when you have different problems, i.e. fireman when there’s a fire.  “If you need a grownup, Aunt Laurie’s the one to call.”

5 years old – after Mom highlighted her hair, she gave a blessing on the food…”And please bless Mommy to get rid of that hair!”

... apparently my bluntness is something I didn't just develop later on in life.

5 years old – “Feels like there’s a rock in my throat, but there really isn’t.”

5 years old – Tiana wonders why we even have holidays that don’t center around Jesus.  Asked if Valentines or Halloween have to do with Jesus and then said, “Then why do we have them?”

5 years old – registering at kindergarten, “There are too many boys in this school.”

Not an issue these days. Solved that problem when I decided to be a dance major. Cooties are no longer a hazard.

5 years old – about Christmas vacation. “Eleven days! What am I going to do for 11 days without school?”

Obviously Netflix hadn't been invented yet.

5 years old – Mom heard a strange noise and went into Tiana’s bedroom.  She found a heavy dresser  about to fall over except for a small lamp that’s cord was keeping it up.  Tiana had climbed up to get something off the top when it tipped over.  It should not have been standing at all.  She was protected that day.

6 years old – 1st time with homework.  “Yea!  I’ve been waiting for this day!  I hope we get lots more homework!”

Apparently dreams do come true... 

6 years old – Gave a talk in primary.  Came out all excited because she felt the Holy Ghost while she was giving her talk.

6 year old – Tiana is conducting at Family Home Evening.  It’s 8:30 pm on a school night in the middle of winter.  She says, “I’m in charge of the activity.  Okay everyone, get on your swimsuits and grab a towel.  We’re going swimming!”

7 years old – “Mom, can you please stop making chocolate chip cookies?”

Okay, okay let me explain this one! Growing up my mom always made loads of treats... and she went through this phase where for months she only made chocolate chip cookies... just took the variety right out of things! #firstworldproblems

7 years old – Dreamed that the moon turned to blood.

Okay, get ready because the cutest stories ever are about to come up regarding me and my first grade best friend / boyfriend. We were CUTE.

7 years old – Overheard by Laurel Terry.  Zack Terry has a talk with Tiana.  Tells her school is starting and he can’t talk to her because of peer pressure.  She says, “Okay, but when your friends aren’t around and mine are, maybe you could talk to me because my friends might think that’s cool!”

7 years old – Zack Terry to Tiana – “If you left for a whole week, my heart would break!”

#attachmentissues

7 years old – Zack Terry to his Mom – Zack: “If I’m going to date Tiana, I’m going to have to learn to listen better.  Laurel:  “Why?”  Zack – “Because she’ll be talking to me and she’ll ask me a question and I have no idea what she said.”

7 years old – As told by Sheila Nelson.  Zack and Tiana were working for their job jugglers business.  Tiana drops some rocks and dirt on the driveway.  Zack goes up to Sheila’s house and asks for a broom to clean up the mess he made.  He took the blame for her.

Chivalry is not dead! (or at least.. it wasn't in 1999)

7 years old – Tiana to Zack when sweeping.  “You do the big sweeping and I’ll do the detail work.”

10 years old – caught her skirt at a dance recital in her tights and danced with all eyes on her.  Afterwards, she came up and told us, “Well, now I know what to do to get everyone to look at me.”

UNDAPANTS. - 10 points to whoever can tell me in a comment what voice that is supposed to be read in.  (*hint hint*  I'm in love with this character from a 90's TV show.) 

13 years old – goes to assistant teach for Lynne Thompson.  Comes out feeling like Lynne wasn’t very happy with her because she hardly said anything to her.  Later Lynne called her mom to say that Tiana was the best assistant she’d ever had and that she could step out to talk to parents because Tiana knew exactly what to do and didn’t need any help.

15 years old – in seminary she is sitting by a boy with special needs.  Her face was mildly broken out and the boys says, “You’ve got a pimple right there… and there… and there… actually they’re everywhere!”

Thanks mom, I'm glad we have this memory saved... sure wouldn't want to forget about that incident!

15 years old – Tiana’s having a bad day.  Feels  like every other girl is beautiful and perfect.  She doesn’t have a chance!  Her Mom tells her that there are other people that are looking at her and feeling the same way.  She doesn’t believe it.  The next day in seminary, her teacher says, “Are you your parents’ favorite child?  It seems like you’re perfect and probably always have you room clean and homework done and everything!”

hahahhahahahahahahahahaha

17 years old – Mom had dog treats on the table.  Tiana thinks it’s beef jerky.  She takes a big bite and looks confused.  Mom comes in and says, “Tiana, that’s dog food."  Her eyes got big and she starts spitting.

18 years old – Tiana:  I don’t like this dress length.  It’s right at my calves.  I don’t want everybody looking at my calves.  Dad:  Tiana, just let those boys know that your eyes are UP HERE.

satisfied?

Recently I've been thinking about all of the different sides there are to me, and all the different paths I might like to take in life.

There are parts of me that want to become a professional dancer/choreographer in some big city like New York.  After a few years I'd like to move on to get a Master's degree and teach at the collegiate level.

Some of me wants to travel the world, experiencing life in different cultures, and seeing what impact I can have on the world through my adventures.

There are pieces of me that want to be a professional, classy career woman.  One who plans events, or manages a company, or is a particularly talented admin.

I think the dream that has the most parts of me invested, is the dream of being a stay at home mom.  I want to focus on raising amazing children while serving in my church and community.

As I contemplated these different dreams I realized that all that I want cannot reasonably fit into one lifetime.

In short, I want it ALL... and I can't have it.


So with all these different pieces of me and potential paths to choose from...

How will I ever be truly satisfied?  How will I ever be complete?

I've realized that I have been blessed with different parts and dreams.  I have been given not too many pieces to be satisfied, but rather - enough pieces that I can choose almost any route and be fulfilled.

As my life progresses and a path does form, I will have two choices.   I can lament and wallow over every dream I'm missing out on, OR I can focus on the fact that I am living one of my dreams.



I am choosing today to fully embrace my path, whatever it may be.  I have decided to be grateful for whatever my life turns out to be, rather than resentful over what it is not.

Regardless of what comes, I have decided to allow myself to be satisfied.