I'm sorry I didn't stand up.

For most of my life I've been considered a "molly mormon" (someone who lives the mormon standards very strictly), and I've been proud of that fact.  I love that title and I want to be known as someone who tries to be as good as she can.  

I'm the girl who asks to fast forward certain scenes in the movies.  I've never seen an R-rated movie and I never plan to.  I leave conversations if I don't feel like the spirit is present.  I don't go to parties where there will be drinking.  I try really hard to live my life so that everyone knows my standards and how strict they are. 

Last night I went to a play.  It started out raunchy right from the beginning.  The amount of profanity and the jokes made in the play were absolutely disgusting.  I'm pretty I had a permanent scowl on my face.  I was absolutely appalled by the entire show.  

I didn't leave.

I didn't enjoy the play at all, and I turned my head away at several parts, but I didn't leave.  I was seated in one of the most inconvenient spots in the theater, where I would have had to shimmy past several people to get out.  I knew that leaving would disrupt the entire show, and that everyone would see me walk out.  So I just sat there.  I just sat there and let all of that nasty stuff get into my mind.   

I walked out of the theater livid, mad that I hadn't seen any content advisory in the program, mad that there hadn't been an intermission I could escape during, and most of all angry with myself.

I had a pit in my stomach the size of a watermelon the rest of the night.  I knew I should have left and I didn't. I just sat there, letting my Heavenly Father down.  Letting my standards drop. 

I've decided that no matter how what the inconvenience is, I will stick to my standards from now on.  I may be the odd duck everyone stares and scoffs at, I may be called a prude, but I will not let myself watch things I know God doesn't want me seeing.  Lesson learned.  

I want to apologize for all of you who were in that theater, because I knew a good third of the people in there.  I'm sorry for not showing you who I really am. I'm sorry for not taking a stand.  I'm sorry if any of you were thinking about leaving but waiting for that one other person in the room to have the courage to get up.  I'm sorry, next time I'll be the brave one.  

Prayers, Blessings, Peace, and Thanks :)

Thursday night I got a call from my seventeen year old brother telling me that my mom was in the hospital after an ambulance had been called to the house (but, I later found out, had her just drive to the ER with my dad), after my younger sister came in and found my mom collapsed on the floor.  My brother didn't really know any details and said they didn't know what was wrong with her. 

He was his usual goofy self on the phone call, and I didn't feel worried at all. I posted a facebook post saying "Prayers for my mama, please :)"  and hoped a few of my friends and extended family members would see and say a quick prayer for her, then I went to work on calling and texting the few family members whose phone numbers I had.    

I was so surprised as I sat there on the phone seeing facebook messages and comments pop up over and over again with kind words and thoughts.  As more news came in and we found out my mother had suffered a heart attack (basically... different cause - not clogged arteries, but same effect), the support only grew.  People asked me to keep them updated and I received messages from family friends asking if there was anything they could do to help my family.  

I tend to be a big worrier and panic about worst case scenarios a lot... but, throughout the whole process I was perfectly fine.  I just wasn't worried.  I had people who would hear the news and say things like "Breath deeply, it's all going to be okay",  or and other friends who were absolutely shocked at how calm I seemed - one of my friends even told me I must be in denial after I said that my mom "JUST had a heart attack".   People who I had made promises to were telling me to cancel plans or hold off on things because they knew I was going through a "rough time".   All I could do was laugh because I didn't feel like it was a rough time at all.  I felt fine and that other than the necessary time it took to update people, and the need to make sure I checked my phone... my life was completely normal, and just as wonderful as it always is.   

Some of the facebook comments said things like "keeping you in my prayers!" and I would get frustrated because I thought "I'm fine, I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not even that worried... why are you wasting time praying for me?  Just pray for my mom.  I'm fine."  I was thankful for the kind words, but a little annoyed because I felt like people were being dramatic. 

Well, as I was sitting in sacrament meeting today, I was thinking about how simple and non-dramatic everything had seemed.  I thought back on times when friends of mine had told me about family medical issues and I had worried for days, and often cried because I was so scared for them and worried about my friends.   I realized that if I worried that much for other people's families, I would have naturally been more alarmed and heartbroken over this issue my mom had.  I realized how strange it was that I had been so calm when I'm naturally a spazzy worry wart.  

As I sat there thinking about this uncharacteristic calm I'd experienced, I realized how ridiculous I was for thinking that those prayers others had on my behalf were silly or stupid.  I realized that those prayers were the reason I was able to feel so peaceful.

I am so thankful for this gospel and the peace it gives me.  I knew that Heavenly Father was in control, and I felt His reassurance that all would be well.  I am so thankful that He loves me enough to keep my family and I calm, and that through the power of prayers and the priesthood, he was able to heal my mother, help the doctors see what was wrong and how to fix it, and keep us all calm while all of this was going on.  

What an amazing God we have. He knows exactly what we need.  He cares enough about us all to put his power on this Earth in the hands of man through the priesthood.  He loves us enough to listen to our prayers and to take the time to bring us answers and peace.  This great and glorious being cares enough about me to ease my burdens. 

I just want everyone to know that He is there, helping us along this path.  He loves us all and knows us each individually.  All I want is to be closer to Him and know him as well as He knows me.   


Thank you for all of your kind words and support, I know it was just a heart attack and that she is fine, but you were all so wonderful throughout it all.  I was not even experiencing a tragedy and I still received overwhelming care and love.  Thank you to all of you who took the time to say a prayer on behalf of my mom or our family.  I don't think we will ever know how much of a difference the time we take to ask our Heavenly Father for blessings really makes.  Thank you.