You are His.

So... this is me being the most vulnerable I've ever been on the blog.   I'm posting a picture of my journal entry from last night... because I think that sometimes being vulnerable allows your experiences and insights to help others.   A lot of people will probably read this and think it's dumb, but that's okay because I'm not posting this to get attention, or compliments, or validation.  I'm posting this because I don't need those.  I'm posting this because I was having a rough week when I started writing in my journal, fully intending to vent... and instead Heavenly Father gave me comfort and confidence as I wrote - changing the message I was sending to myself.  I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who struggle with this a lot more than I do.  There are people who feel the way I felt for the past few weeks all the time.  There are people who might need to hear this.  Maybe one of those people will read this blog, and maybe it will remind them to change their perspective like it helped me remember to change mine.. 

 

P.S.  God is amazing.  He has so many incredible ways of answering my prayers and helping me to remember the things he's been telling me all along.   He is SO great. 

and so are you.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)



It's not about the money, man.

For those of you who aren't my facebook friends and didn't already see this, here's my favorite call from work today (be sure you read this in a drugged up voice):


"Okay sir, Why do you want a home business?"

"Where do you live??"

"I'm calling from Utah, but I think you may have misheard me..."

"I live in California. Have you seen the way people drive here??? I can't leave my house! It's not safe, they're maniacs out there! Living in California is like living in jail... yeah... I can't even leave my house yo." 

"Ooooookay. Got it. Well then a home business sounds perfect for you! Are you looking for a specific amount of monthly income?"

"What is money?"

"Ummm... money is..."

"Let me tell you what money is... it's just paper, man, it's just paper. That's really all it comes down to. You don't need money. Nobody needs money to be happy - am I right?"

"I see your point. Money can't buy happiness, that's true, but..."

"girls don't need money. Girls don't need a man with money to be happy. I mean... it's not about being the rich guy, am I right?? It's not about the money. Girls don't even want the guy with the money. That's NOT what girls want. I know what girls want."

"....."

".... Girls just want a man who can give them sweet lovin, 'cause that's what it's about, ya know?"

"....."

"I mean, you're a lady... aren't I right? You don't want a man with money. You want a man who can give you lots of good lovin..... you agree with me, right? I can tell.. you agree with me."

"....."

"DON'T YOU???"

"Well... I can see where you're coming from, and that's definitely an interesting perspective on life. Love is great. So, anyway... onto my next question... this company would require a $300 investment to start out, are you still interested?" 

"It's not about the money, man."

One minute you think he's interested....

... the next he's trying to book your flight out of the country. 


I've had this happen a few times. 

I'll be having a conversation with a guy I'm interested in and he'll be showering me with compliments telling me what an amazing girl I am...

you would think that would be a good thing, right?  Things must really be going well, right??




It always seems that way until they wrap up the compliments with the grand finale:



"No really, you're awesome.....



You would make SUCH a great missionary!"



This sister missionary craze has given the guys a way to compliment you AND reject you at the same time.  PERFECT.

Open for uncomfortable dinners

Well folks,  this is a monumental day

It's the day I finally realized just how terrible I am at getting dates.

This week I finally became aware of the fact that I haven't worn a full face of makeup in months... yes, I am ashamed.

I also realized that I dress in sweats and t-shirts most of the time.... with holes in them.  (I'm a dance major... cut me some slack!)   

Then I realized that I have no straight guy friends.... seriously, I was looking through my phone and, if I had to find a date for something - it probably wouldn't happen. The only straight guys I know are dating my friends.   (Once again.... dance major here)  

Yeah... that's just straight male FRIENDS... my love interests?  Completely non-existent.   

I'm not kidding when I say I don't even remember how to flirt.  

Last night when 40 year old Luke hit on me at Denny's ("boyfriend?  boyfriend?"), I realized that the last 5 guys who have hit on me have been over the age of 30.... 


yep.


I realized that if I don't start going on dates soon, I'll probably end up getting married after age 40.  

Not that that's the worst thing that could happen, but I can only imagine the anguish it would cause my mother if I took that long to get hitched.

So... I've made a decision.  

Since I obviously can't meet straight men my age on my own... I'm letting people set me up on blind dates.  


DUN DUN DUN!!! 


I don't know if you all know how big this is. 

A girl as prone to awkward situations as I am going on dates with total strangers?  

This is going to be good.  :)


So get excited folks, I'm sure there will be some fabulous awkward tales coming up as a result of this :)  

... and if you know of any normal, nice, relatively good-looking guys, with good hygiene who are looking for a girl to take to frozen yogurt sometime, feel free to send them my way!  

Poor men need not apply.

I am officially on the hunt.  

The boyfriend hunt.  

Am I love hungry? No.

Am I hungry, hungry? Yes.

You see... I tried sushi for the first time yesterday, and it was amazing.

So fresh and light, yet potent and flavorful.... oh!  I just died at the taste dancing around in my mouth.  

I LOVE good food.  I am willing to spend more money going out to eat than I am on a cute top.  It's a problem.  

But.. I'm also a poor college student. 

Problem?  
The biggest.

So... my plan is to find a guy who would like to buy me sushi and other delicious food in exchange for my lovely company :)  

Know anyone interested? 

patient, but ready.

Alright, so as a continuation from my last post about crazy Utah college girls and their opinions on marriage... Here's my further thoughts on the matter:

Throughout the last two years, I have been in almost every category I mentioned in my last post.  My opinion has been swinging from one extreme to the other depending on the week, the day, and the number of friends I'd had get engaged each week.  I'm sure most of you have heard me saying one or more of the following (and I am more than a little ashamed to admit this... ):

"All the good ones are either taken or gay"
 (well.. to be fair, I'm in the dance department... so I really don't meet my fair share of straight guys)

"hmm.. let me think about it... are there going to be a lot of hot RMs there?"

"I just really want to fall in love"

(still true.. I am a hopeless romantic... but not so picky about WHEN I fall in love)

"I'm in a committed relationship with dance"

"a relationship would take me away from my *insert activity here: schoolwork, dancing, pinteresting*,  I don't have time to look at men"

"I can't get married until I've graduated college because, let's face it, if I have a hot husband there's no way Ill be focusing on schoolwork."

"I'll just be a cat lady, with no cats."

"who needs men, anyway?"

"I've got my whole life to be married, I'd like to be single as long as possible before the majority of my life begins"

"the only guys I attract are creepers, I refuse to marry a creep. Therefore... I will never marry."

"I'm on a man fast."

(Yes. I really did go on a man fast, I refused to like anyone, flirt with anyone, or try at all in the man department for a few months.  I'll just explain why I did that and why I called it off in a separate blog post because I have too many words to say about that for it to be a subsection on this post.) 

Pretty conflicting statements, eh?

  Yeah.. imagine being in my brain and trying to sort these out and figure where I stand while hearing very positive arguments from every nutso angle.  

Yep, it's been rough. 

I don't want to be stupid and rush into marriage before I'm ready like a lot of girls do... but, not gonna lie, I'm also super stoked for marriage.  

I mean... just think of all the perks:

-I will always have a person to go to things with... games, parties, movies, whateva


-having someone who (most of the time, from what I've seen...) gets me, and has the same standards as me


-a person you can bounce off of, comedy at it's finest. (at least for me that's absolutely crucial)


-eternal scripture study buddy! 


-someone to set goals with


-someone to make decisions with


-permanent cuddle buddy :) 


-lotsa kissing.


-He will never move away- well... at least not in the kind of marriage I plan on having... we will not be doing a long distance marriage thing... unless it's for a very very very short amount of time.  Living apart for years doesn't really sound like marriage to me.


-someone to cook meals with :)


-no more awkward first dates


-dates!


-always a man to check the house for psychos when you hear weird noises at night


-best friend ...forever! :)  makes me grin just thinking about it! 


-someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and hilarious, and amazing, and that they love me, and all that good stuff. :)


-I won't have to be afraid of getting stuck with crazy roommates! not that my roommates now are crazy - they're fantastic actually! :)


-someone to make me soup when I'm sick :)


-dance partner 


- and i could go on and on and on and on... but most of all.... 
ETERNAL LOVE.. doesn't that just sound like the best thing in the world??? I sure think so. :) 

but

marriage is not all fine and dandy... from what I hear it's actually pretty tricky stuff.  Bills, disagreements, differences between men and women, communication styles, all that jazz... it's tough. 

plus, I find it so crazy that two people can actually fall in love... 

I mean the odds that I will find someone who: 

a) I find attractive
b) has the same standards as
c) has the same sense of humor as
d) I can have long, deep, meaningful conversations with
e) I think is the most incredible guy in the world
f) I can talk to about anything

are super super slim. 

I am one picky chick. 

on top of that... HE has to reciprocate all these things! 

 what are the odds that we are both going to feel the same way about eachother? 

 Plus, he has to be strong in the gospel, love the Lord more than anyone-even me, and meet a bunch of other criteria.

I can't help but wonder how in the world all of that is going to line up...

I've had feelings for amazing guys before - but they haven't felt the same about me.... then I've had guys have pretty strong feelings for me before - but I definitely didn't feel the same about them.

 Blows my freakin mind that people get married every day.  

Seriously.... love is some crazy stuff. 

plus.. 

A lot of the time I really feel terrified of marriage. 

Sometimes I still feel super young, I'm only 20, after all. I graduated high school less than 2 years ago.  

I have never been in love.  

I've never had a boyfriend

...and to be honest I haven't really dated that much at all.   
(which is fine - PLEASE, this is not a desperate cry for dates!  I am not someone who feels the need to be going on dates with a million guys in order to have some self-worth.)

It seems like I should knock those things out first...

 but then again, I honestly don't want to get in a relationship with someone if I think there's no chance I could marry them. 

 Call me crazy, but

 if I don't think there's at least a chance I could marry that person, why date them? 

 where is it going to go?  

It's only going to end in heartbreak.

 So if I don't feel ready to get married, why try to date?

So... I refused to try to do anything to prepare for marriage.. thinking that it would mean I was husband hunting.  

My friend asked me to take "preparing for an eternal marriage" with her at the institute.  Heckno techno.  
If I'm prepared that means I want to get married right now... better off to just be clueless, right?

but then....

I started having these terrifying thoughts... 

what if I run into my eternal companion, but I'm not ready? what if I meet some amazing, incredible guy, but I can't even date him because I haven't made myself amazing and incredible enough for him?  What if Heavenly Father's timing is different than mine?  What if he doesn't want me to be finished with college... what if He wants me to meet my future husband and marry him while I'm still in school... but I refuse to be ready? 

What if????

so then I was just totally confused:

I don't want to be the psycho husband hunter...

 but I want to be ready if it comes earlier than expected... 

so what category do I fit in? Where do I stand???

Well... I've decided that right now... I'm just going to work on being the best person I can be.  I want to be one awesome lady so that one day I deserve an incredible gent.  I want to learn everything I can about building a successful relationship and learning how to date in a way that's going to lead up to an eternal marriage.  (which is why I am, in fact, enrolled in "preparing for an eternal marriage" right now.)  I want to prepare myself in every way possible... because even if it takes 10 years for me to meet the man of my dreams (good grief - I hope not!)  then those 10 years of prep will make me super prepared and I will be one amazing girl by the time he comes into my life.

So... I've come up with a statement explaining my stance on marriage...

Here it is:

BE PATIENT, BUT BE READY.