Lead foot

***ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO***

Me: "AAAH!  Holy cow, you freaked me out, I was ready for you on the other side."
Officer: "Haha sorry about that...I'm pretty sneaky."
Me:  "I'll say, nearly gave me a heart attack."
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No, do I have a light out or something?"
Officer:  "Well... what you did wrong was actually a while back."
Me: "Oh."
Officer: "Back on 4th and 4th you slowed down a lot... but you didn't stop."
Me: "ooooooh"
Officer: "And then again at the Center Street stop sign you...didn't stop completely"
Me: "eeeeeehhh"
Officer: "Yeah... and do you know what you did between the two stop signs?"
Me: "Was I speeding?"
Officer: "15 over."
Me:  "Yikes! 3 strikes... I'm out!"
Officer: "Yeah, sorry but I really can't let that slide.  Do you have your license and registration?"
Me: "Yeah hold on just one second."
*starts rifling through glove box and purse*
Officer: "Where ya headed this late?"
Me:  "I was trying to get to Walmart before Sunday" *looks at clock* (11:45)
Officer: "Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it."
Me: "Yeah I was kinda gettin that feeling."
Me: "Uh-oh."
Officer: "Uh-oh?  That doesn't sound good."
Me: "This is not the purse my wallet is in...so this is not the purse my license is in...so my license is not exactly with me at this time."
Officer: "You do have a valid license, though?"
Me: "Yep.  Just got it renewed this past year."
Officer: "Name"

He ended up having a ton of mercy and only citing me for 9 over and one stop sign.



***FAST FORWARD TO LAST NIGHT***
Me: "Hi.  This is bad, I realize this is the second time in two weeks I've done this.... and I'm going to tell you right now that I don't have my license this time either, but I want you to know that I did learn my lesson about the stop signs.. and last time really was my first ticket, this really isn't as regular of an occurrence as it looks.... because this looks REALLY bad." 
Officer: "Where's your license?"
Me: "About 3 houses away."
Officer: "Alright, do you know what you were doing."
Me: "Yep... I was speeding.  I don't know why I was speeding... I really wasn't in a hurry to get home.  I have absolutely no reason this time... just a lead foot.  BUT I do come to full stops now."
Officer: "Were you the one who was going to Walmart?"
Me: "Yeah.  Hello again."
Officer:  "Well part of the reason we pull you over is to educate you.  I'm glad you've learned your lesson about the stop signs, but you've really got to get that speeding under control.   You were going 15 over again, that is quite the lead foot you've got there.  It's part of my job to educate you, and I'm sorry I clearly didn't get my point across last time.  Fate was on your side tonight, for some reason my radar didn't catch it so you're not getting a ticket."
Me: "THANK YOU.  Wow.  You're the best!!!"
Officer: "This isn't me being nice... this is my radar."
Me: "Right.  Well.. your radar is the BEST!  Tell it thanks for me."
Officer: "Yeah you got lucky... but apparently fate also likes to put me right behind you whenever you're speeding so... I mean this in the best way possible, because you seem like a really great girl.... I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Okay?"
Me: "I feel the same way!  No offense. I've learned my lesson, I'll get my lead foot under control.... I'll make sure we don't run into each other again, because to be honest, I don't want to see you again either!   Thanks again, you're the BEST!"



All credit goes to Heavenly Father for answering my prayers for help even when I don't deserve it! 

Deciding.

A few weeks ago I decided to go back to school next semester.  I've had a lot of people ask me how I figured out that moving back is what I'm supposed to do.  Here's the answer:  I never did.

When I first moved home all I wanted was to move back to Cedar City.  After the life-changing weekend I talked about in my last post happened, that completely changed.  Within a matter of a few weeks I realized that I wanted to stay where I was.

So I had a problem, two wonderful lives to choose from.  Two different paths, both with pros and cons.  I knew that if I didn't go back to SUU in the Spring, it would be even harder to go back in the fall.  Most of my good friends would have graduated, and I wouldn't really have any big ties there.  I would have to start over completely.  There were also a lot of people who had made accomodations to make it easier for me to come back this semester, and I didn't want to throw away all of their effort.  But, I was happy here.  I had friends, a great ward, a job I liked, and I would have been able to (finally) sell my contract in Cedar so that I would actually be saving money by living at home. 

I was praying like crazy, asking Heavenly Father to tell me what to do.  I was weighing my options.   I was looking for a sign either way.  I was trying to figure out what I wanted. 

I finally decided to make a decision but not tell anyone until I had confirmation that it was correct. 

Well... that didn't work at all.  Every time I made a decision something came up that made me think that it might be wrong, so I would change my mind - never taking action in either direction.

Finally, it came down to crunch time.  I needed to let my job know whether or not I would be back in January, sell my contract if I was going to, and register for classes. 

I was more confused than ever.  As I mentioned in my last post, I still hadn't figured out why I had been sent back.  Nothing big had happened - so even though I had had the impression that I wasn't going to know for a while why I had sent back, it still made me worried that I might not have fulfilled my purpose in coming back yet.   I didn't want to be ignoring Heavenly Father by moving back when I hadn't done what he needed yet. 

So, I got a blessing.  The blessing was very comforting, but didn't really give me any answers.  AT ALL.  I was still confused, but decided that I needed to not just make a decision, but take a step.

I weighed the pros and cons some more, and decided that I would progress more by going back to school.  Then, I registered for classes... and then I took the scariest step.  I announced it to my friends and family on facebook so that it finally felt like a real decision.

I haven't received confirmation that it's right.  I don't know if tomorrow I'll wake up and feel impressed to stay.   I don't know if I'll move down there again only to have Heavenly Father tell me to move right back (but I'm sure praying that doesn't happen - once was enough!).  I'm keeping my heart open and listening to see if I'm wrong... but until He tells me otherwise, I'm making my own decision and I'm moving forward with it.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)