lessons re-learned

A few months back I was driving back to school after spring break when I looked down and saw that my gas was just above empty.  I knew an exit with a gas station was coming up and decided that I would just stop there.  Well, as the exit was approaching and I tried to change lanes so I could exit, I realized that I was completely blocked in.  I tried my best to get into the right lane, but I hadn't noticed the problem in time.  As I passed the exit and looked down at my gas gauge my heart dropped a little bit.  The needle was now dangling below the empty line.. and I had learned from previous experience that this car didn't have enough of a reserve to get me more than a few miles.  I was about halfway along on my three hour drive, so making someone come rescue me would be asking them to take two hours of their time - not to mention the gas money.   Immediately I started praying, asking Heavenly Father to please help my car last until the next gas station.  I slowed down and coasted as much as possible as I said a preading prayer as I passed exit after exit that did not have a gas station. My prayers worked and I miraculously made it to the gas station in Beaver and filled up my tank after driving for about 40 miles with basically no gas in my car.  I spent the remainder of my drive home thanking Heavenly Father for his merciful miracle and promising to never get myself in that situation again.

I spent last weekend down visiting Southern Utah.  While leaving Cedar City I thought about filling my car up with gas, but after running a few things over in my mind, decided instead to fill it up later on in my journey because it would make things simpler.  I passed the halfway point without filling up - I still had enough gas to make it to the next stop, and by then I would need to use the bathroom, so I figured waiting until I was already going to need to stop made more sense.  I turned up my music and drove on... right past the exit with a gas station I had intended to stop at. 

As I drove past the exit, I realized that I had spaced out and quickly looked at the gas gauge.  I suddenly realized that my fuel economy was not what I had thought it was, and I was definitely in trouble: the tank was once again below empty.  As I started driving, trying to remember now far it was to the next exit, panic set in.  I started praying as hard as I could, and my prayer went something like this:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know this car probably can't make it to the gas station alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.

As I pulled into the gas station 20 later, and said a prayer of gratitude... I replayed through my prayers in my head.  I thought about a particular flaw that I have, a mistake I repeatedly make in my life.  It's frustrating to me to be less than the good person I know I should be.  Heavenly Father has helped me overcome this particular weakness time and time again.  He has worked a miracle and helped me learn my lesson over and over again.  He has repeatedly helped me defeat my flaw, and I have repeatedly let myself down and felt this terrible quality slip back up again even though I know it's not who I want to be.  I had let this shortcoming sneak back into my life once more, and was naturally very upset with myself for not being the better person I knew I should be.   I was scared to ask Heavenly Father for help again... scared that He would tell me He had given up on me, scared that he would say, "I already helped you with this when you didn't deserve it, you got yourself into this mess, and I don't have to help you get yourself out of it".  Scared and ashamed as I was, I started to pray:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know that I probably can't make it where I need to go alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.


In my life I am constantly shocked at how very human I am.  I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again instead of learning them the first time... if I only had to learn lessons once I would probably be darn near perfect after 22 years.  I am thankful for a plan that allows me to learn and re-learn the lessons that make me a better person, and for a perfect, merciful Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me the help I need even when it's not the help I deserve.

You are His.

So... this is me being the most vulnerable I've ever been on the blog.   I'm posting a picture of my journal entry from last night... because I think that sometimes being vulnerable allows your experiences and insights to help others.   A lot of people will probably read this and think it's dumb, but that's okay because I'm not posting this to get attention, or compliments, or validation.  I'm posting this because I don't need those.  I'm posting this because I was having a rough week when I started writing in my journal, fully intending to vent... and instead Heavenly Father gave me comfort and confidence as I wrote - changing the message I was sending to myself.  I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who struggle with this a lot more than I do.  There are people who feel the way I felt for the past few weeks all the time.  There are people who might need to hear this.  Maybe one of those people will read this blog, and maybe it will remind them to change their perspective like it helped me remember to change mine.. 

 

P.S.  God is amazing.  He has so many incredible ways of answering my prayers and helping me to remember the things he's been telling me all along.   He is SO great. 

and so are you.

Lead foot

***ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO***

Me: "AAAH!  Holy cow, you freaked me out, I was ready for you on the other side."
Officer: "Haha sorry about that...I'm pretty sneaky."
Me:  "I'll say, nearly gave me a heart attack."
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No, do I have a light out or something?"
Officer:  "Well... what you did wrong was actually a while back."
Me: "Oh."
Officer: "Back on 4th and 4th you slowed down a lot... but you didn't stop."
Me: "ooooooh"
Officer: "And then again at the Center Street stop sign you...didn't stop completely"
Me: "eeeeeehhh"
Officer: "Yeah... and do you know what you did between the two stop signs?"
Me: "Was I speeding?"
Officer: "15 over."
Me:  "Yikes! 3 strikes... I'm out!"
Officer: "Yeah, sorry but I really can't let that slide.  Do you have your license and registration?"
Me: "Yeah hold on just one second."
*starts rifling through glove box and purse*
Officer: "Where ya headed this late?"
Me:  "I was trying to get to Walmart before Sunday" *looks at clock* (11:45)
Officer: "Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it."
Me: "Yeah I was kinda gettin that feeling."
Me: "Uh-oh."
Officer: "Uh-oh?  That doesn't sound good."
Me: "This is not the purse my wallet is in...so this is not the purse my license is in...so my license is not exactly with me at this time."
Officer: "You do have a valid license, though?"
Me: "Yep.  Just got it renewed this past year."
Officer: "Name"

He ended up having a ton of mercy and only citing me for 9 over and one stop sign.



***FAST FORWARD TO LAST NIGHT***
Me: "Hi.  This is bad, I realize this is the second time in two weeks I've done this.... and I'm going to tell you right now that I don't have my license this time either, but I want you to know that I did learn my lesson about the stop signs.. and last time really was my first ticket, this really isn't as regular of an occurrence as it looks.... because this looks REALLY bad." 
Officer: "Where's your license?"
Me: "About 3 houses away."
Officer: "Alright, do you know what you were doing."
Me: "Yep... I was speeding.  I don't know why I was speeding... I really wasn't in a hurry to get home.  I have absolutely no reason this time... just a lead foot.  BUT I do come to full stops now."
Officer: "Were you the one who was going to Walmart?"
Me: "Yeah.  Hello again."
Officer:  "Well part of the reason we pull you over is to educate you.  I'm glad you've learned your lesson about the stop signs, but you've really got to get that speeding under control.   You were going 15 over again, that is quite the lead foot you've got there.  It's part of my job to educate you, and I'm sorry I clearly didn't get my point across last time.  Fate was on your side tonight, for some reason my radar didn't catch it so you're not getting a ticket."
Me: "THANK YOU.  Wow.  You're the best!!!"
Officer: "This isn't me being nice... this is my radar."
Me: "Right.  Well.. your radar is the BEST!  Tell it thanks for me."
Officer: "Yeah you got lucky... but apparently fate also likes to put me right behind you whenever you're speeding so... I mean this in the best way possible, because you seem like a really great girl.... I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Okay?"
Me: "I feel the same way!  No offense. I've learned my lesson, I'll get my lead foot under control.... I'll make sure we don't run into each other again, because to be honest, I don't want to see you again either!   Thanks again, you're the BEST!"



All credit goes to Heavenly Father for answering my prayers for help even when I don't deserve it! 

Deciding.

A few weeks ago I decided to go back to school next semester.  I've had a lot of people ask me how I figured out that moving back is what I'm supposed to do.  Here's the answer:  I never did.

When I first moved home all I wanted was to move back to Cedar City.  After the life-changing weekend I talked about in my last post happened, that completely changed.  Within a matter of a few weeks I realized that I wanted to stay where I was.

So I had a problem, two wonderful lives to choose from.  Two different paths, both with pros and cons.  I knew that if I didn't go back to SUU in the Spring, it would be even harder to go back in the fall.  Most of my good friends would have graduated, and I wouldn't really have any big ties there.  I would have to start over completely.  There were also a lot of people who had made accomodations to make it easier for me to come back this semester, and I didn't want to throw away all of their effort.  But, I was happy here.  I had friends, a great ward, a job I liked, and I would have been able to (finally) sell my contract in Cedar so that I would actually be saving money by living at home. 

I was praying like crazy, asking Heavenly Father to tell me what to do.  I was weighing my options.   I was looking for a sign either way.  I was trying to figure out what I wanted. 

I finally decided to make a decision but not tell anyone until I had confirmation that it was correct. 

Well... that didn't work at all.  Every time I made a decision something came up that made me think that it might be wrong, so I would change my mind - never taking action in either direction.

Finally, it came down to crunch time.  I needed to let my job know whether or not I would be back in January, sell my contract if I was going to, and register for classes. 

I was more confused than ever.  As I mentioned in my last post, I still hadn't figured out why I had been sent back.  Nothing big had happened - so even though I had had the impression that I wasn't going to know for a while why I had sent back, it still made me worried that I might not have fulfilled my purpose in coming back yet.   I didn't want to be ignoring Heavenly Father by moving back when I hadn't done what he needed yet. 

So, I got a blessing.  The blessing was very comforting, but didn't really give me any answers.  AT ALL.  I was still confused, but decided that I needed to not just make a decision, but take a step.

I weighed the pros and cons some more, and decided that I would progress more by going back to school.  Then, I registered for classes... and then I took the scariest step.  I announced it to my friends and family on facebook so that it finally felt like a real decision.

I haven't received confirmation that it's right.  I don't know if tomorrow I'll wake up and feel impressed to stay.   I don't know if I'll move down there again only to have Heavenly Father tell me to move right back (but I'm sure praying that doesn't happen - once was enough!).  I'm keeping my heart open and listening to see if I'm wrong... but until He tells me otherwise, I'm making my own decision and I'm moving forward with it.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)



A sweet reminder of His love

I meant to write this post a few weeks ago, but I was too busy fearing for my life because of my medication.

I had a neat experience I wanted to share.

When I made my unplanned move from Cedar, I hadn't been able to fit everything in my car on the way back, so I had to make a trip down there to pick everything up (and of course visit as many people as possible in 3 days time).  As I drove away from the house I was supposed to be living in this semester, I was crying AGAIN.  I thought about how wonderful the weekend was, and how perfect my life was supposed to be that semester, and everything I was missing out on.  I was ready for several hours on the freeway spent wallowing over the dream of a life I was once again driving away from.

On my way out of town, I completely forgot to get gas before getting on the freeway, so I ended up having to pull off at the next exit to grab some.  

As I was filling up my tank watching the price climb higher and higher, I was thinking about an episode of What Would You Do?, an ethics and values candid camera show I used to watch.  In the episode I was thinking of, they had actors carrying a gas can around to various people, begging for gas.  If I'm remembering correctly, they also tried the experiment out with different genders and races to see if the strangers' reactions would differ.  I stood there filling up my tank and pondering what I would do if someone approached me asking for gas.  I'm a college student, so I'm pretty poor, I definitely don't have extra money to spare... but it only took a second for me to decide that I would definitely give them some gas if that situation came up.   I immediately thought "I hope I get the chance to help someone like that someday soon."

and right after I had that thought, the craziest thing happened.

I finished filling up my tank and turned around, and there was a man holding a gas can walking straight towards me with his family following behind. 

I probably freaked the family out, because as soon as I turned and saw them walking towards me I broke out into a HUGE grin. 

Just as I suspected, the man came up to me and explained in broken English that they were on their way to Colorado from California but didn't have the money to pay for gas to make the trip.  He asked if I would be willing to give them a bit of gas to help fill up part of their tank. 

Still wearing my giant smile, I enthusiastically told him that I would love to.  I filled up their gas can, accepted their thanks, and drove away with some very happy tears in my eyes. 

I'm sure they thought that they were the ones being served, but that opportunity to give something to a stranger was exactly what I needed.  It helped me shift my focus from how hard my life felt at the time, to how I could help others.  On the other end of the spectrum, I was also reminded that Heavenly Father remembered and loved me.  Even though I felt like he had asked me to give up everything, He was telling me that not everything I wanted was going to be shot down, even when life is hard there is joy to be found.  As simple as that opportunity was, it was a reminder of my Heavenly Father's love for me, His control over this world and everything in it, and His ability to answer my unspoken prayers.

The explanation

So... I'm actually living at home this semester instead of going to school.  Here's the short version and the long version of the story, you can hear about what happened no matter how much time you have. :)

Short version:  I moved down to school last Wednesday, on Friday Heavenly Father told me to move back... so I did.

Long version: All summer all I could think about was getting back to school.  I had an amazing job I love, 2 dance scholarships, a great school schedule, great roommates in a house with perfect location and rent, a small position on student government, choreography ready for the student dance concert, and a LOT of awesome friends.  I was beyond stoked for the new semester to start.  I could not have imagined a better school year waiting for me.

A few days before I was going to head back to school I had some financial problems, it almost looked like I wouldn't be able to go back - but I fought and researched and figured things out. It would be a tight semester, but I could definitely make it with tight budgeting.  My mom kept asking if I wanted to stay home and save money, but I said "No way!  I hate living at home and everything in Cedar City is perfect and waiting for me."

I had planned to leave on Monday, but a TON of things went wrong and I somehow ended up leaving on Wednesday.  I started thinking that this might be a sign that I was supposed to stay home, but dismissed the idea.  I said a prayer and told Heavenly Father that if I was supposed to stay home I would, but he would have to be very VERY clear when he told me because that decision wouldn't make any sense... and then I left.

On my way down I ended up having to get a tire change at a small mechanic shop 45 minutes away from the city I was headed to.  Thankfully someone saw and pointed it out while I was in the drive-through.  What a tender mercy.

I finally made it to my new home and started moving in!  Moving in was great, and my excitement for the new year just kept building :) I was sooo happy and relieved to finally be there.  My roommate/bestie and I caught up and went to dinner, and I was thrilled to be home.  All day Thursday we had a blast continuing the celebration of our reunion.  Thursday night we went to a campus event and I felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward.  I didn't feel like my usual friendly self at all, and I almost felt like I didn't belong there.  I decided it was just a weird mood and headed home.

The next morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach.  I kept feeling like I needed to move home, but I prayed and told Heavenly Father "If you want me moving home you need to send me a flashing neon sign or something.  I need to be sure that it is what you want me to do if I'm going to let all of these people down and give up my perfect life for no reason.".  All day I couldn't eat, and I went to several events that I would normally thrive off of... but instead of feeling my usual happiness and excitement, I felt miserable.  I kept thinking that I might be lying to everyone, and I felt like I couldn't even fake happiness.  I finally decided that I was hormonal (after all, it made NO sense to move home, and it wasn't even something I wanted to do), so I went home and worked on finishing up with unpacking my room.

As I was unpacking, I was praying that these feelings would go away or that I would get a CLEAR answer and know that it was from Heavenly Father.  There was no way I was going home if there was a chance that this was just a weird mood.  I decided to go to the temple the next day to get some clarity.  At about 6:00 a friend called me asking if we had a extra room available for rent in our house.  Immediately I thought "this might be part of my answer", but told her "No.  I'll double check, but I don't think we have any."

I hung up the phone and started sobbing.  I said a quick prayer and felt Heavenly Father answer back, telling me to get a blessing so that I could know what to do NOW instead of waiting a day to go to the temple.

At about 6:30 a friend came over and gave me a blessing.  I won't go into details on what it said, but I will say that during the blessing I felt very strongly that moving home was the right decision, even though it was the hard one... and made zero sense.  One thing the blessing did say was that I would receive confirmation as I studied the words of the prophets and prayed.  As soon as my friend left I pulled out my scriptures and just started flipping through pages until I felt like I should stop and read.  Here are some of the things my eyes flew to:

D&C 98:12

D&C 100:12 and 15

D&C 101:7

D&C 101:16

D&C 103:12

D&C 104

D&C 78:17-20

I stopped and read most of these scriptures because I had things highlighted.  Throughout section 104 I had highlighted over and over again  that if we are faithful, we will be blessed. In 101:16 I had drawn a line under the phrase "be still and know that I am God.".  In section 78 I not only had the section highlighted, but had also drawn a box around the phrase "I will lead you along."... each page I turned to had other things highlighted... but my eye went straight to the topics of faith and trust in the Lord.

As I was reading these scriptures and receiving the constant confirmation that leaving was the right decision, I was bawling.   I was giving up my perfect life, a life where I not only get to do things I love, but also get to help people daily... to return to the place that just days ago I couldn't wait to leave. The place all of my friends had just left, the place where nearly everyday for over 3 months I had told people how badly I wanted to just get back to school already.

It may sound stupid, especially to those of you who don't know much about my life down there and how much I love the dance department... but, I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life.  All I wanted to do was lie on my bedroom floor and cry for days.... and I figured that's exactly what I would do.  I then read a scripture telling me to "not tarry" and felt like I needed to get the leaving over with.  That's when I came across 101:7 They were slow to hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; therefore, the Lord their God is slow to hearken unto their prayers, to answer them in the day of their trouble.

I immediately felt the spirit tell me that I knew what I needed to do, and that I needed to do it right away and not put it off.  I knew that my roommate (one of my best friends) was going to be home at 9:00 and I knew that if I stayed to say goodbye and tried to explain, I would end up as a sobbing puddle on the floor again.  At 7:00 I picked myself up off the floor and started throwing everything I had just unpacked back into boxes and bags.  I texted a friend of mine and asked him to please come at 8:15 to help me move some things.   I wiped my tears and successfully made it through a trip to Walmart to get more packing supplies without having a breakdown in one of the aisles.  When I got home my pal showed up a few minutes later with two of his friends to help me move what he thought was into the house... instead I calmly(ish) told him that I was moving back to Springville and wanted to be out by 9:00.  He and his friends helped me throw everything into the car as I wrote a quick note to my roommates, and just as I had planned... I was on the road home by 9:00.

One hour into my 4 hour drive I stopped to get water and with shaking fingers sent my parents a text message: "Heavenly Father told me to come home.  So I am on the road back now.  Sorry if this messes a lot of things up."

For the first two hours of the drive I think I was crying harder than I ever have... My entire face and both of my arms were tingling and numb. The only thing I'd been able to eat all day had been part of an avocado, and I had barely had any water either.  I was physically and emotionally breaking down... but spiritually felt a strength helping me to keep driving.

I made it home safely and knowing that I made the right decision.

I'll be posting in a few days about some of my experiences since I've moved home (my roommate thinking I had actually been kidnapped because my note was so vague and brief, my parents not really supporting or understanding my decision, what I plan on doing this semester, and some other spiritual experiences)

But since this post is already ridiculously long and I am emotionally drained... I'll wrap up with a few quick thoughts:


-A few people have said "Wow, that must have been such a hard decision!"

... it wasn't.  It wasn't a decision.  If Heavenly Father tells me clearly to do something, I do it.  There's no question.  Ignoring what he tells me is not an option.  He knows and understands everything perfectly, of course I'll follow his guidance and directions.

-This is the hardest, craziest thing I have ever done.  I know it is what God wants, and that makes it easier, but that does not make it easy.  I have cried far less than I thought I would... but still more than any other time in my life.  I've been able to have hard conversations... but they have been through tears, and not all of them have gone well.  I know that this is the right decision, but I am still a bit of an emotional wreck right now.  My perfect life was just turned upside down over the course of about 2 hours, and I don't understand why yet.  I'm still having moments where I forget how to breathe.

-To everyone in my hometown:  Help me stay busy.  Let's go to parties, let's do lunch, let's do anything to keep me from sitting at home and wallowing.  Talking about it is fine, in fact it makes me feel better sometimes to explain and tell someone out loud that I know I made the right decision.  If I'm not in the mood to talk about it, I'll tell you.

-To all of those whom I have bailed on professionally:  I am sorry to leave you in a bind.  I would never do it unless Heavenly Father told me to.  Thank you for being so understanding and forgiving.

-To everyone who is stepping up and taking my place:  Thank you for being so willing, and I know you will do well... call me if you need help or want to talk through anything.

-To everyone who is feeling a little abandoned:  I'm so sorry.  All I can say is that it's breaking my heart and I don't understand why this is what I need to do.  Know that you can call me for anything, I still want to be a friend you can come to for help.

-To everyone who thought I had been kidnapped:  Seriously sorry about that... I was trying to avoid a dramatic goodbye full of sobs, not cause everyone to go into a panic.  I'm alive, and I'm okay.  I promise.

-To everyone:  I'm sorry for avoiding your calls, snapchats, and texts.  There have been times when I feel like I can't pick up the phone or I'll start crying all over again.  I have not been able to respond to all of you because I'm still feeling a little too drained... and some of you are harder to talk to than others simply because of how close I am to you.  If I haven't responded it's probably because I love you a little too much.

MAN UP.

Sorry if this post is a little long... I think it's important for both guys and girls and I hope everyone can learn/be reminded of something. 


I'm sick of piggish boys thinking it's fine to act disrespectful.  It's wrong and I will not tolerate it.  


I had an interesting evening yesterday.  

I was minding my own business... just catching up with some friends on Facebook while I tried to fix something on my computer.   

Suddenly, Skype went off telling me I had a notification. 

I had been randomly added to a conversation with a huge group of people, by some kid I barely knew in high school who somehow ended up in my skype contacts. 

I started reading, trying to figure out what was going on, and was absolutely APPALLED by the things these boys were saying.  There was some definite"bro-talk" going on.  

I couldn't figure out how to get out of the conversation and stop getting notified every time someone said something.  (I was waiting to chat with a friend on skype otherwise I would have just  closed out of the program completely - I probably should have still done that.) Finally, I just asked "What is this? " "Why am I in this conversation?"

All this did was get the boys' attention to the fact that there was a girl none of them knew (or at least, knew they knew), who was somehow in this conversation.  

Instead of stopping their "locker room talk", they turned it on me.

Rude comments were made... Not only about me, but to me.  I was asked to perform sexual favors and send inappropriate pictures...  I was horrified by the fact that these boys were actually saying these things to me, and not one of them was standing up against the others. 

All I kept asking was how to get out of the conversation.  None of the boys would tell me.   They just kept egging each other on as the comments got worse and worse.   I probably should have left, but I was mad and I didn't want these boys to get away with thinking this was okay.   

I gave them a SMALL piece of my mind (should have given them more), but they still kept going.

Finally, some boy took pity on me and removed me from the conversation, since I couldn't figure out how to do it myself.  

I was ticked.  I was beyond ticked, I was livid. 

Yes, I am aware they were joking.  Yes, I understand that was "bro-talk", and I've heard that "boys will be boys."    That does not make it okay. 

After texting a friend about what happened, I found out that these boys were all preparing to serve missions, some had even received their calls already. 

A few of the boys hunted me out on Facebook and messaged me to apologize afterwards. 

I didn't tell those boys everything I wanted to, in fact I wish I would have said more. 

I did, however, tell these boys that what they did was not okay under any conditions.  Peer pressure is not an excuse to turn any girl into an object.  I let them know that I was disappointed when I learned that they were preparing to serve missions.  I explained that it is NEVER okay to talk to OR around a woman like that.  

Then I told them I accepted their apology. 
That was hard.  Most of the apologies didn't seem very genuine.  I wasn't ready to let "I'm sorry" be enough... but I'm not going to let myself have that hate in my heart.  Thankfully it's my job to forgive, not to judge.

I said something to those boys,I tried to get them to understand how inappropriate their behavior was.   But, let's be real.  I doubt it really had an impact on them, and even if it did, there are still so many other guys out there just like them. So I'm writing this post and hoping maybe THIS reaches someone.



Here are my takeaways from this experience:

BOYS:

1.  It is NEVER okay to speak crudely around, or to a girl/woman.  NEVER.

2.  It is NEVER okay to turn women into an object.  Whether you say these disrespectful things to their face or behind their back, you are still in the wrong.   

3.  I know it must be hard to find friends who don't act like this.  Too bad.  You should care more about having a good relationship with your Heavenly Father anyway, He's the one whose opinion really matters.   Sometimes you have to stand alone, man up and do it.  

4. NEVER use peer pressure as an excuse for your behavior.  I understand it's hard.  That doesn't make it okay.   Be the standout who stops disrespect.  

Guys, try a little harder to deserve us.  We'll do our best to be worth the extra effort. 



GIRLS:

 

(I thought I'd try pin-language first to get my point across)

1. Be careful who you date.  You don't want someone who's going back and participating in "locker room talk"  with his buddies about you after you hangout.  

2. DO NOT LET GUYS GET AWAY WITH THIS.  Seriously.  It sounded to me like conversations like this had happened between these boys before with a girl involved.  Why do these boys think it's okay to ask these things or make those comments?   Aren't they getting shut down hardcore each time they say something like that?  Apparently not.  I guess us girls are sending the message that it's okay. STOP.
       -Call them out.  If a guy is acting disrespectful and you don't like it, tell him.
       - Stop rewarding their bad behavior.  Don't laugh it off like it's no big deal and keep hanging out with the guys, leave.  
3. Don't do anything at all to encourage them.  Specifically, watch your language and dress modestly.  Not because "boys will be boys" and it's our job to make it easier on them,  but because you should have more self respect than that.  You don't need attention from the guys who want you because you show a lot of skin, or because you can crack a dirty joke.  You need attention from guys who think you are amazing.  You need attention from the guys who would be mad to see anyone treat you with a even a tiny sliver of disrespect. 

They're out there, girls.  Those guys worth dating.   Those men who think you're worth staying clean for.  The boys who care enough about you and their Heavenly Father to stand up for you, instead of joining in the "bro-talk".  Be patient.  Wait for them.  The more we as women settle for being treated like dirt, the more they will treat us that way.

Attention from a guy is not the most important thing in the world.  You can wait until you find one who gives you the right attention.



Let's all decide to not let things like this happen anymore.  The reason instances like this have become normal and acceptable is because we let them.  

Bright sides

I feel like I've been kind of negative lately.  I'm so sorry for those of you who have had to be around that.  Time to fix it!  Step one: Blog about how amazing my life is!

• How many times can I tell you how awesome my roommates are?  Not enough!  The other day after a long rehearsal, following a night of very little sleep, I was hungry and I got SO cranky.  Out of control grumpy, most people would have SMACKED me.  What did my roomies do?  They walked away and laughed.  Then when I apologized later, they laughed with me.  Exactly what I need, people who laugh at me when I'm being ridiculous, instead of getting frustrated about it.  THANKS GIRLS.
• I have a job I love.  I seriously look forward to going to work every day.  :)  
• I get to do what I love all day, every day.  I get to study dance!  How many people get to dance around all day for their education?
• I have the most wonderful professors I could ever dream of. Strict and dedicated, yet hilarious and relaxed.  They really are just the greatest human beings.  Not only do they teach me in the classroom.  They also work outside the classroom to take my education to the next level.  They provide me with wonderful opportunities, experiences, and advice.  Love those guys. 
• I had a biology test I was completely unprepared for, plus 5 homework assignments that I was only halfway finished with due in my class this Tuesday.  I also had rehearsal, work, and TONS of stuff I needed to get done.  I was adding up the hours I would need to complete everything and freaking out because I didn't understand how I could possibly get it done.  Well.. on Tuesday (when I still had 2 assignments to do and had barely studied) my biology teacher decided to move the homework date to THURSDAY.  Guess what that meant... I GOT TO SHOWER!!!  (and study more)  I know that showering doesn't sound like a big deal, but I really was thinking I'd have to go until Friday before I had those extra 10 minutes. It's hilarious, but it's a blessing. I really did get teary eyed when I found out about that tender mercy Heavenly Father gave me.
• I am performing in a BEAUTIFUL dance concert this weekend. I am so grateful to have been chosen to perform in such stunning pieces from these choreographers.  I really have loved the whole process of putting this concert together.  Tonight was our opening night and it went great!  Hopefully you can all come see it soon, it's definitely worth your time. :)
• Heavenly Father has blessed me with so many ways to help people this week!  Back massages, simply listening, praying and fasting for someone I love, helping a friend hunt down a mouse in her apartment, bringing friends Ben and Jerrys for some comfort...  I have had so many opportunities.  I really tried this week to find ways to help people, without their asking.Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?  So happy.  Sure, my wallet may be lighter, my arms may be sore, and I may have had a few hours less sleep each night... but I can tell you the feeling I got from knowing that I had made someone else's life a little brighter, outweighed all of those.  Service is such a blessing!
• I finally found a *cheap* pair of leggings for dance.  BIG DEAL.  I'm in love with these things.   
• I haven't had to pull an all-nighter yet this week.  Things keep unexpectedly working out so that I get at least a few hours of sleep each night.  Thank goodness!
• None of my injuries have been acting up very much this concert.  The only issues I've had have been super minor and haven't impacted my dancing at all.  Seriously, a miracle.
• My lovely roommates let me borrow their clothes. THIS IS A BIGGIE.  I am literally down to underwear and less than 5 too-tight T-shirts.   It's bad.  I haven't had a chance to do laundry, but guess what.... it's okay!  Because my roommates are the nicest people on the planet and they allow me to borrow their shirts to make it through.  
• It hasn't gotten very cold yet... so we haven't had to turn on our heater!  Hooray for saving on our energy bills!
• I had a GREAT day in ballet the other day.  I danced really really well.. better than I have in months.  It just felt so great to know I was doing my best and it was showing. :)

I could keep going for at least another hour I'm sure... but I'll wrap it up there.

DANG.  My life is good. :)

Don't be hatin'.

There's something that has really been driving me nuts about people in general lately....

it's the way we sometimes let jealousy make us hate a person.

I don't get it.  

Why does someone being successful mean we can't like him/her?

***"She makes every audition she tries out for... so I hate her."  

       "He gets to go on that trip I want to go on, and I don't think he deserves it... so I hate him."

       "She gets every guy... so I hate her."

That's logical, right?

NO.

Let's stop, because it's really annoying.  

I mean, thank goodness I've never been too insanely successful in my life, because apparently everyone would hate me for it. 

What do we want them to do?? Turn the opportunities down?  Stop applying? Stop auditioning?  what?!?  What about that deserves our hate?  

Hint, hint... It doesn't!

So stop it.  Be a grown up and learn that even though sometimes you may want what someone else has... that doesn't mean they are a bad person for having it.

Really... sometimes human logic just gets on my nerves.

***All three of those are things I have seriously heard within the last two weeks.  LEGITIMATE COMMENTS made by people.  IN COLLEGE!!! Grow up!  

(If you're reading this and you are one of the people who said these things to me... I love you, really.  But, seriously?!?)

(Also, I would like to clarify that I am not referring to when people are joking around "you're beautiful. I hate you."  It happens.  Maybe not the most mature thing.. but we all know when it's a joke)

ALSO!!! Sorry that I never edit my posts anymore.  When I'm writing real papers I am a grammar/spelling NAZI.  But...  I don't blog with the same care.... and I tend to blog when my insomnia is kicking in enough that I'm awake but don't have the mental capacity to do homework, so here you have it.  A post that will probably make no sense in the morning.  GOODY!