I JUST WANTED EYEBROWS!

The following is a true and accurate tale of makeup artist betrayal.  Actual makeup consultants feelings were harmed in the making of this blog post, and actual eyebrows were temporarily rearranged for this story.

So.... makeup.  Here's the thing about that stuff... I have never been good at it.  In high school I wore a ton of makeup, but none of it was worn well.  College came around and as a dance major I just gave up and decided to go natural.  When I want to look nice and professional I put on some foundation? Base? Cover up? Are those all the same thing??? I'm sure they aren't... well... I put one of them on my face to cover it up.  Then I sometimes put blush on and mascara.   That's it.  That is my routine on "I want to look extra nice today" days. 

BUT... I do try to look extra extra nice when I'm in weddings.  As a part of this effort, I decided to try filling in my eyebrows a little bit (back story:  When I was 8 I somehow got hold of the concept that women tamed their eyebrows, but I didn't ever hear the part about how the taming was done... so in an effort to be a more beautiful human, I hacked at my eyebrows with fingernail scissors - I still have semi-splotchy brows if you look closely).  I have several friends who have perfect, yet natural looking eyebrows using some sort of something to fill them in, and I thought I'd try to join the club.

WHY DO I EVER THINK THESE THINGS ARE A GOOD IDEA??

I ran to Walmart and Target and tried my darndest to find something that looked like it would fill in eyebrows, but since I didn't know what I was looking for... I didn't find it.  (shocker) 

I decided that since this is for my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING tomorrow, I would have to get extra classy, and go to an actual department store with actual makeup artists.  I was really, really trying here guys.  Really.  I wanted to be successful in this mission to perfect the brows, so that my best friend could have a complete beautiful bridal party with complete, non-splotchy, beautiful eyebrows. 

So... I parked outside of JCPenny and headed straight to Sephora.  I figured I would just walk around looking confused and someone would come to help me out.  Here's the thing about walking around one of those places without any makeup on.... no one wants to take on the heathen makeup-less customer.  You are the "project", and on a Friday nobody has time for someone like you.  I wandered around and put on my best perplexed face as I looked at the 50 shades of lipstick.  I put on puppy dog eyes and looked at each employee as they walked past.  Each of them smiled with panic in their eyes and just kept walking like they had other customers to hurry back to.  (There was only 1 other customer in the store - I may not wear makeup but my non-lined eyes can see when a store is lacking in humans) 5 times in a row... FIVE TIMES, guys.... THAT is how much I looked like an overwhelming project.  

After a few minutes of this stumbling around the store, I realized that I was going to be here forever waiting for them to come to me and offer to help... so I mustered up my courage and walked up to a conglomeration of makeup artists.... who continued to avoid eye contact.  I stared down the huddle of overly-beautiful people and coughed loudly until one of them turned around to face me.  

Up until this point I had been so consumed by my goal of getting my eyebrow junk that I had somehow ignored the faces of the makeup artists I was giving puppy dog eyes to completely.  They turned around and..... EYEBROWS.  All I could see.  Thick, dark, sharp, overly-defined eyebrows.  

*gulp* 

No turning back now, just emphasize that you want something NATURAL.  

"Hi.  Umm I need some help."

**No response... just looks of "yes, we can see that" from the group of eyebrows with a side of humans I was talking to**

"Ummm.... I need..."

"Umm.... Blake!  Blake!  You're not busy right?   Blake can help you.  Blake... help her." 

**Girls run away... literally, they ran out of the store... as Blake (name has been changed), turned around and a brief panic crossed his face when his eyes beheld their project.**

I don't want him to think he has to fix EVERYTHING.  I just want one product, just one.  Oh my gosh, he's overwhelmed.... quick... say something.  Calm him down. 

"I just need eyebrows.  I mean... I just... I need something to fill in my eyebrows."

"Okay... umm... what type of product do you typically use?"

"....."  *crickets chirp*

"I can you tell what I usually prefer?" 

"Yes, yes.  What you prefer.  I just need them filled in... just some nice, natural looking eyebrows. Simple."

"Alright, go ahead and have a seat in the chair."

Nooooooooo... not the chair!!!! Anything but the chair!!!!!  Why are you punishing me for trying to be beautiful??? All I want is eyebrow filler inner stuff!  That's all I want!  Just tell me what to buy and I will give you money....  I do not have TIME to transform into Dolly Parton today, I just want to be beautiful without having to sit in the chair!  

"Oh... umm.. I really... umm.... ooooookay." 

"Alright so I like to use a combination of a few products for eyebrows, so for the first step..."

WHAT THE?!? People use MULTIPLE products on their eyebrows???? There are steps?!?  This is not what I wanted... oh gosh.  How do I get out of this chair.  I just want ONE eyebrow filler inner thing.  Just one.  Just one, easy, natural step.  Just one. 

***3 minutes later***

"So, as I'm sure you've noticed, this eyebrow is a little low..."

Why no, I hadn't actually noticed that until you drew it in an inch below my other eyebrow... but hey, thanks for emphasizing that and then telling me that my face is deformed, THIS IS WHY I HATE THE CHAIR. 

"So obviously we can't do something as simple as removing your eyebrow and moving it up a bit"  ***He says completely serious, as if I may actually be confused about whether or not that is the next step***  "So we'll just erase some off the bottom and then draw a little more on top to make it look like it's higher up."

"Now on this eyebrow you clearly have the opposite problem, it's just a little too high up."

Is it, though?  Is it, really?  Because I'm not actually seeing that... 

"So of course we'll just take a little bit off the top and draw some more on the bottom."

Why are my eyebrows moving all over my face??? What part of "fill them in" translates to "Also completely rearrange them, please. I'm utterly appalled at their current positioning."

Where am I supposed to be looking right now?   All I can see is his chest hair popping out of his shirt... aaaaand.... there's really nowhere else to look. I'm gonna close my eyes to avoid the awkward chest hair-eye, eye contact.  Yup... THIIIIS is less awkward. 

***5 minutes later***

I'm getting tired, oh so very... tired.... 

"Alright next we have our pomemade"

Great... let's GEL my eyebrows, because that's definitely going to fix the fact that I currently have thick dark boxes above my pupils. Gel ALWAYS makes things look more natural... at least that was the motto in the 90's...

***Approximately half a century later....ish***

"And as you see, you now have very nice, even, natural-looking eyebrows."

Hellooooooo HELGA. 

"And if you look closer you can really see just how real they look."

Wow. That is incredible.  It's absolutely amazing how much these don't resemble actual eyebrows.... not even a little bit.  This is truly awe-inspiring. 

"Umm so... how much would those products each be?" 

"Well the pomemade will be about $18, and the brush for the pomemade will be the $20, and then the pencil will only be...."

So for ONLY $70 I can be mistaken for an ancient egyptian hieroglyphic all day long tomorrow????  Who do I give my money to????

"Uh, huh.... well I think I'm going to have to pass today"  **Blake's face drops into wounded puppy mode** "... BUT I MEAN... maybe I'll come back another day and get them..."  **Blake's face moves into hopeful, healing puppy mode**

"Alright, that sounds great, well if you need help with any other products just let me know."

"Will do, thanks Blake!  Is there something I can use to wipe these off with?" 

**Wounded puppy is back**

"I mean... they are GREAT, really.  I mean... really fantastic work you did there, it's just that I don't have any other makeup on, so the eyebrows are a little.... prominent." 

Prominent??? Nice save... 

"Yeah... here's the makeup remover.... and there's the trash can"

**Wounded puppy ain't goin nowhere**

I then did the only logical thing a girl in search of eyebrow perfection could do.... I ran to Dillards and prayed for a better experience.  

Low and behold, within moments of entering the beauty department I heard a distinct "HEY YOU!!!"  and turned around to see ACTUAL EYEBROWS!!!!..... attached to my dear friend Shelby, in all of her glorious beauty, who works as a makeup consultant in Dillards!

***Insert hallelujah chorus here***

Shelby and her co-worker helped me find ONE glorious product to create NATURAL eyebrows that look like actual eyebrows.  (WITHOUT the chair)

I walked out of Dillards beaming with the pride only a successful makeup shopping trip can give you, and as I walked towards my car I realized something...

I parked right outside of JCPenny's. 

No problem... I'll just walk around the other side... it's not going to be an issue.  I am the best problem solver, I could win an award for my quick thin..... shoot.

A clothing rack and cluster of JCPenny employees blocked my alternate route.   The only way out was walking past... *gulp* Sephora... holding my Dillard's bag that pretty obviously held makeup.  

It's cool... I'll just fold my arms and hide the Dillard's bag in there.  People casually walk with their arms folded ALL THE TIME.

No, people do not casually walk with their arms folded all the time.... would you like to know why??? Because when people try to casually walk without their arms for balance... people fall... flat on their face.... right in front of Sephora.... and when people fall flat on their face right in front of Sephora.... their Dillards bag goes flying out of their hands... and the eyebrow pencil they just acquired at a DIFFERENT store than Sephora, flies out of the Dillards bag and only a few feet away from.....

....Blake.

Blake... it's not.... I tried to hide this from you... I didn't want you to know.... it's just that... I was HELGA.  I had to get help Blake, I HAD to! You have to understand, Blake!   I couldn't live like that, I couldn't spend the $70 on 20 minute eyebrows.  I just couldn't!  I couldn't!  STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THE WOUNDED PUPPY DOG EYES BLAKE!!! 

All I could do was run to my fallen eyebrow filler inner stuff, scramble to pick it up... and run away... leaving Blake and his wounded puppy dog eyes to deal with my betrayal.