I JUST WANTED EYEBROWS!

The following is a true and accurate tale of makeup artist betrayal.  Actual makeup consultants feelings were harmed in the making of this blog post, and actual eyebrows were temporarily rearranged for this story.

So.... makeup.  Here's the thing about that stuff... I have never been good at it.  In high school I wore a ton of makeup, but none of it was worn well.  College came around and as a dance major I just gave up and decided to go natural.  When I want to look nice and professional I put on some foundation? Base? Cover up? Are those all the same thing??? I'm sure they aren't... well... I put one of them on my face to cover it up.  Then I sometimes put blush on and mascara.   That's it.  That is my routine on "I want to look extra nice today" days. 

BUT... I do try to look extra extra nice when I'm in weddings.  As a part of this effort, I decided to try filling in my eyebrows a little bit (back story:  When I was 8 I somehow got hold of the concept that women tamed their eyebrows, but I didn't ever hear the part about how the taming was done... so in an effort to be a more beautiful human, I hacked at my eyebrows with fingernail scissors - I still have semi-splotchy brows if you look closely).  I have several friends who have perfect, yet natural looking eyebrows using some sort of something to fill them in, and I thought I'd try to join the club.

WHY DO I EVER THINK THESE THINGS ARE A GOOD IDEA??

I ran to Walmart and Target and tried my darndest to find something that looked like it would fill in eyebrows, but since I didn't know what I was looking for... I didn't find it.  (shocker) 

I decided that since this is for my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING tomorrow, I would have to get extra classy, and go to an actual department store with actual makeup artists.  I was really, really trying here guys.  Really.  I wanted to be successful in this mission to perfect the brows, so that my best friend could have a complete beautiful bridal party with complete, non-splotchy, beautiful eyebrows. 

So... I parked outside of JCPenny and headed straight to Sephora.  I figured I would just walk around looking confused and someone would come to help me out.  Here's the thing about walking around one of those places without any makeup on.... no one wants to take on the heathen makeup-less customer.  You are the "project", and on a Friday nobody has time for someone like you.  I wandered around and put on my best perplexed face as I looked at the 50 shades of lipstick.  I put on puppy dog eyes and looked at each employee as they walked past.  Each of them smiled with panic in their eyes and just kept walking like they had other customers to hurry back to.  (There was only 1 other customer in the store - I may not wear makeup but my non-lined eyes can see when a store is lacking in humans) 5 times in a row... FIVE TIMES, guys.... THAT is how much I looked like an overwhelming project.  

After a few minutes of this stumbling around the store, I realized that I was going to be here forever waiting for them to come to me and offer to help... so I mustered up my courage and walked up to a conglomeration of makeup artists.... who continued to avoid eye contact.  I stared down the huddle of overly-beautiful people and coughed loudly until one of them turned around to face me.  

Up until this point I had been so consumed by my goal of getting my eyebrow junk that I had somehow ignored the faces of the makeup artists I was giving puppy dog eyes to completely.  They turned around and..... EYEBROWS.  All I could see.  Thick, dark, sharp, overly-defined eyebrows.  

*gulp* 

No turning back now, just emphasize that you want something NATURAL.  

"Hi.  Umm I need some help."

**No response... just looks of "yes, we can see that" from the group of eyebrows with a side of humans I was talking to**

"Ummm.... I need..."

"Umm.... Blake!  Blake!  You're not busy right?   Blake can help you.  Blake... help her." 

**Girls run away... literally, they ran out of the store... as Blake (name has been changed), turned around and a brief panic crossed his face when his eyes beheld their project.**

I don't want him to think he has to fix EVERYTHING.  I just want one product, just one.  Oh my gosh, he's overwhelmed.... quick... say something.  Calm him down. 

"I just need eyebrows.  I mean... I just... I need something to fill in my eyebrows."

"Okay... umm... what type of product do you typically use?"

"....."  *crickets chirp*

"I can you tell what I usually prefer?" 

"Yes, yes.  What you prefer.  I just need them filled in... just some nice, natural looking eyebrows. Simple."

"Alright, go ahead and have a seat in the chair."

Nooooooooo... not the chair!!!! Anything but the chair!!!!!  Why are you punishing me for trying to be beautiful??? All I want is eyebrow filler inner stuff!  That's all I want!  Just tell me what to buy and I will give you money....  I do not have TIME to transform into Dolly Parton today, I just want to be beautiful without having to sit in the chair!  

"Oh... umm.. I really... umm.... ooooookay." 

"Alright so I like to use a combination of a few products for eyebrows, so for the first step..."

WHAT THE?!? People use MULTIPLE products on their eyebrows???? There are steps?!?  This is not what I wanted... oh gosh.  How do I get out of this chair.  I just want ONE eyebrow filler inner thing.  Just one.  Just one, easy, natural step.  Just one. 

***3 minutes later***

"So, as I'm sure you've noticed, this eyebrow is a little low..."

Why no, I hadn't actually noticed that until you drew it in an inch below my other eyebrow... but hey, thanks for emphasizing that and then telling me that my face is deformed, THIS IS WHY I HATE THE CHAIR. 

"So obviously we can't do something as simple as removing your eyebrow and moving it up a bit"  ***He says completely serious, as if I may actually be confused about whether or not that is the next step***  "So we'll just erase some off the bottom and then draw a little more on top to make it look like it's higher up."

"Now on this eyebrow you clearly have the opposite problem, it's just a little too high up."

Is it, though?  Is it, really?  Because I'm not actually seeing that... 

"So of course we'll just take a little bit off the top and draw some more on the bottom."

Why are my eyebrows moving all over my face??? What part of "fill them in" translates to "Also completely rearrange them, please. I'm utterly appalled at their current positioning."

Where am I supposed to be looking right now?   All I can see is his chest hair popping out of his shirt... aaaaand.... there's really nowhere else to look. I'm gonna close my eyes to avoid the awkward chest hair-eye, eye contact.  Yup... THIIIIS is less awkward. 

***5 minutes later***

I'm getting tired, oh so very... tired.... 

"Alright next we have our pomemade"

Great... let's GEL my eyebrows, because that's definitely going to fix the fact that I currently have thick dark boxes above my pupils. Gel ALWAYS makes things look more natural... at least that was the motto in the 90's...

***Approximately half a century later....ish***

"And as you see, you now have very nice, even, natural-looking eyebrows."

Hellooooooo HELGA. 

"And if you look closer you can really see just how real they look."

Wow. That is incredible.  It's absolutely amazing how much these don't resemble actual eyebrows.... not even a little bit.  This is truly awe-inspiring. 

"Umm so... how much would those products each be?" 

"Well the pomemade will be about $18, and the brush for the pomemade will be the $20, and then the pencil will only be...."

So for ONLY $70 I can be mistaken for an ancient egyptian hieroglyphic all day long tomorrow????  Who do I give my money to????

"Uh, huh.... well I think I'm going to have to pass today"  **Blake's face drops into wounded puppy mode** "... BUT I MEAN... maybe I'll come back another day and get them..."  **Blake's face moves into hopeful, healing puppy mode**

"Alright, that sounds great, well if you need help with any other products just let me know."

"Will do, thanks Blake!  Is there something I can use to wipe these off with?" 

**Wounded puppy is back**

"I mean... they are GREAT, really.  I mean... really fantastic work you did there, it's just that I don't have any other makeup on, so the eyebrows are a little.... prominent." 

Prominent??? Nice save... 

"Yeah... here's the makeup remover.... and there's the trash can"

**Wounded puppy ain't goin nowhere**

I then did the only logical thing a girl in search of eyebrow perfection could do.... I ran to Dillards and prayed for a better experience.  

Low and behold, within moments of entering the beauty department I heard a distinct "HEY YOU!!!"  and turned around to see ACTUAL EYEBROWS!!!!..... attached to my dear friend Shelby, in all of her glorious beauty, who works as a makeup consultant in Dillards!

***Insert hallelujah chorus here***

Shelby and her co-worker helped me find ONE glorious product to create NATURAL eyebrows that look like actual eyebrows.  (WITHOUT the chair)

I walked out of Dillards beaming with the pride only a successful makeup shopping trip can give you, and as I walked towards my car I realized something...

I parked right outside of JCPenny's. 

No problem... I'll just walk around the other side... it's not going to be an issue.  I am the best problem solver, I could win an award for my quick thin..... shoot.

A clothing rack and cluster of JCPenny employees blocked my alternate route.   The only way out was walking past... *gulp* Sephora... holding my Dillard's bag that pretty obviously held makeup.  

It's cool... I'll just fold my arms and hide the Dillard's bag in there.  People casually walk with their arms folded ALL THE TIME.

No, people do not casually walk with their arms folded all the time.... would you like to know why??? Because when people try to casually walk without their arms for balance... people fall... flat on their face.... right in front of Sephora.... and when people fall flat on their face right in front of Sephora.... their Dillards bag goes flying out of their hands... and the eyebrow pencil they just acquired at a DIFFERENT store than Sephora, flies out of the Dillards bag and only a few feet away from.....

....Blake.

Blake... it's not.... I tried to hide this from you... I didn't want you to know.... it's just that... I was HELGA.  I had to get help Blake, I HAD to! You have to understand, Blake!   I couldn't live like that, I couldn't spend the $70 on 20 minute eyebrows.  I just couldn't!  I couldn't!  STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THE WOUNDED PUPPY DOG EYES BLAKE!!! 

All I could do was run to my fallen eyebrow filler inner stuff, scramble to pick it up... and run away... leaving Blake and his wounded puppy dog eyes to deal with my betrayal. 

TOOL TIME. (The Bro-bag Diagnostics Test)

Have you ever sat and pondered the question:  Am I a "tool/bro-bag/man-whore"?  

We here at the bro-bag diagnostics department came together one night and discussed our experiences with tooligans to devise a foolproof method for determining whether or not a young man is a "tool".   Curious about where you fall on the scale of what is acceptable to women?  Take a few moments to ponder and reflect on your life as you go through this checklist of self discovery:

***All items in this checklist are based on actual experiences of the four members of The Bro-bag Diagnostics Team.***

The Tool Checklist 

1.  Are you currently leading, or have you ever, led a girl on with no intention of getting serious or keeping her, therefore wasting her time and carelessly toying with her emotions?
2.  Have you ever led more than one girl on at a time because you “can’t make up your mind?” (Example: Make out with Susie on Monday and Tuesday, invite Jolene over on Wednesday, and then have a date with Gretchen on Friday while still carrying on a very flirtatious text conversation with Susie?) 
3.  Have you ever told more than three girls in a semester that you love them?
4.  Have you ever played a girl and then tried to go for/date one or more of her roommates?
5.  Have you ever openly flirted with a girl or group of girls while your girlfriend was present?
6.   Do you Facebook chat your ex to tell her about the hot girl you met on the bus shortly after your break up?
7.  Have you ever gotten drunk and woken up in bed with someone you did not know, while in a committed relationship?
8.  If the above situation did occur, do you feel it isn’t your fault because you were drunk and don’t remember exactly what happened?
9.  Do you feel that cuddling/physical affection is emotionally meaningless?
10.  Have you ever been interested in a girl but rather than discuss your feelings, the relationship, or where things are going with her, gone to her roommates, neighbor, aunt, gardener and dermatologist to talk about it?
11.   Have you ever kissed a girl and immediately followed it with the statement, “I just want to be friends?”
12.   Have you ever introduced your new crush to your previous crush who was involved in the above mentioned incident THE FOLLOWING DAY?
13.   When you look in the mirror, do you see a God?
14.   Do you frequent the gym and talk about “getting swole"?
15.   Are there two or more pictures of you standing in front of a bathroom mirror holding your phone on your Facebook profile?
16.   Are you carrying on with a relationship you feel is restrictive because it means you can’t make out with other girls?
17.   Is your kissing toll above 15? Above 30? Above 63?
18.   Have you ever forced a girl into physical affection with you to fulfill your sick, twisted, animalistic desires?
19.   Have you ever texted a girl at 2:00 in the morning asking if she needs a ride because you noticed her bike tires were flat? (Have you ever slashed a girls bike tires in order to offer said ride?)
20.   Do you have a split personality or sudden lack of manners when you’re around your bros/homies/buds?
21.   Are you a bigot or homophobe? Both?
22.   Have you ever invited a girl to a party and then ushered her out the front door before it was over when she didn’t do anything to merit such treatment?
23.   Have you ever blatantly refused to come to a girl’s dance concert after two months of being in “like” and five personal invitations from her and her roommates to please come see her perform?
24.   Have you then, the following semester, brought a date to her dance concert?
25.   Have you ever told a girl you are interested in her while wiping off the slobber from your last make-out session with another?
26.   Have you ever asked a girl to sleep with you while in a committed relationship with another girl?
27.   Do you spend more time at the gym than with your girlfriend?
28.   Do you think that paying for a date/dinner guarantees you some action? (i.e. Do you consider dating a mild form of prostitution?)
29.   Have you ever made out with a girl without ever having taken her on a real date?
30.   Have you ever asked a girl to sleep with you in place of asking her out on a date?
31.   Have you ever described your “tool-y” friend without realizing you were actually describing yourself?
32.   Do you think it is entertaining and/or funny to smoke innocent pedestrians with your truck?
33.   Do you wear tool tanks? 
34.   Have you ever purchased a double-deep V neck shirt? 
35.   Do you take pride in your chest hair?
36.   Do you look for opportunities to casually flex your biceps?
37.   Do you think every girl is into you?
38.   Have you ever had difficulty comprehending someone’s disdain for you? 
39.   Do you rotate/pass girls around with your homies/bros/brobags?
40.   Do you think being cultured and educated about the arts--even minimally--is sissy or gay?
41.   Do you rush girls into commitments or the road to marriage and then turn around and say, “I have to think about it?”
42.   Do you fake an accent to pick up chicks?
43.   Do you wear pooka shells on a regular basis?
44.   Have you ever taken a girl on a 13 hour first date to meet your parents?
45.   Have you ever neglected to do anything about the fact that your date has become seriously injured on your date? (i.e. concussion, sprained ankle, bleeding from the limbs, head, etc.) 
46.   Have you ever complained to your date about spending money on her when you were the one who asked her out in the first place?
47. Have you ever taken a date to a dance and within 5 minutes of arrival explained to her that you were going to take off to go "party boy on those girls over there"?
48. After telling your girlfriend that you cheated on her, have you ever said, “Call me if you get bored?” as she tromped off your porch?
49.   Have you ever yelled at your date to “stand her ground” while she was being attacked by wildlife?
50.   Do you have a girl on the back burner?
51.   Is it your goal to kiss every girl in a certain organization/club/choir?
52.   Do you practice your smolder?
53.   Do you press on the gas of your extremely loud and obnoxious diesel truck while driving past someone’s house so they know you drove by?
54.   Do you exert more than five catcalls a day? A week?  A month?  A year? ... a lifetime?
55.   Is your truck lifted? (How lifted? Award yourself points accordingly.)
56.   Do you wear white stitched jeans?
57.   Is Tap Out your go to brand?
58.  Have you ever sent a girl you have yet to go on a first date with shirtless selfie snapchats asking her to come over for “nap time”?
59.   Do you think it is plausible to bench press 250 pounds but become completely incapable of physical exertion when someone needs help moving, cleaning, or transporting something? Explain.
60.   Have you ever pointed out a girl’s zit and/or told her she will never get married and/or asked her if she’s pregnant because you don’t understand what an empire waistline is?
61.   Have you ever been a landlord and said the above mentioned things to your tenants?
62.  Have you ever asked a girl you have yet to go on a first date with (or meet in person at all) to come give you a massage at two in the morning?
63.  Have you ever commented to a girl you are pursuing that Topanga Lawrence, (goddess of all 90’s sitcoms) was “a little thick for your taste”?
64.  Do you understand the term “rape kiss” and have you ever committed this completely unwarranted crime to a woman? More than once on a first date?
65.  Have you ever intentionally left your jacket in a girl’s vehicle as a foolproof way of securing a second date? (Spoiler Alert: It wasn't foolproof.  Your jacket is still in the trunk of my car.)
66.  Have you ever declared that you are only interested in a woman with “at least” a PhD because you want to be with someone who can actually have an "intelligent conversation"?  Have you made this comment while not possessing a PhD yourself? 
67.  While engaged have you ever made promises, or even hints, to another girl regarding the future of your relationship? 
68.  Are you experienced in the art of “booty calls”?
69.  Have you ever made out with a girl and then three minutes later told her you weren’t the least bit interested because she would restrict you from finding your eternal companion?
70.   And if so, were you already pursuing things with a second girl when that happened, thus lying to two innocent women at once?
71.   Do you go by multiple names so you can date multiple girls at the same time?
72. Are you under the impression that you are God's gift to womankind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, here are a few more to ask yourself:

1.  Do you care about other people’s feelings?
2.  What happened in your life to make you so cold, careless, and detached?
3.  How do you expect to ever have anything really special with someone when you throw everything away on a regular basis?
4.  Are you capable of loving another person more than yourself?
5.  Do you understand the term narcissism?
6.  Do you ever look at your life and look at your choices?
7.  What does the phrase “use and abuse” mean to you?
8.  Have you ever gone more than two weeks since beginning college without making out with someone?
9.  What about integrity?
10.   Do you realize there is more to a girl than her outward appearance?
11.   Do you want to end up with an idiot for the rest of your life/eternity?
12.   How important is interesting conversation to you, or do you like talking to a wall with a nice fake tan?
13.   Do you realize you may be contributing to a degrading, immoral society?
14.   Where do you want to be in 10 years and what are you doing about it now?
15.   Was your ex girlfriend too good for you? (Yes. Yes, she was.)

***This list was made during what experts now refer to as "The Great Feminine Rage-fest of 2013".  Elevated estrogen levels were used in the making of this exam***

Kids say the darndest things.

A few weeks ago my mom sent me an email with a list of memories she had written down while I was growing up. If you're a parent, I highly recommend doing this and surprising your kid with it some week when they're having a hard time with life... definitely did the trick and got me smiling. Of course once I found out how adorable I was as a child I decided that I had to brag about my cute childhood self and give you all the chance to laugh at some of these moments too. Enjoy. :)

1 week old – Tiana was lying on top of the covers on top of Dad’s chest.  The phone rang and Dad snapped the covers which sent Tiana flying to the bottom of the waterbed.  She didn’t even wake up, but it sure scared her Mom and Dad.

2 years old – when Tiana was turning 2 she had her cousins Danielle, Melissa, and Devin Jones over to celebrate her birthday.  She had 4 presents from her Mom & Dad.  When we gave her the presents, she gave one to each of her cousins to open then opened one herself.  We tried to tell her they were all for her but she just didn’t care or want that.

Don't try to tell me you didn't just say "awww" in your head as you read that. I know that pulled at your heartstrings

2 years old – Tiana’s prayers by self after Tomlinson’s dog was ran over.  “Help me be good.  Help me be nice to people and gentle.  Help me be careful to not cross the street and Roxanne and Buffy not to be sad.”

2 years old – Tiana at the mall with Mom.  She had two pieces of candy and was just opening up one piece to eat when she noticed another girl watching her.  She went and gave her the other piece.  The other Mom was so shocked she gasped.

Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard!?  

2 years old – out in the hall at church.  She sees the Sunbeams heading into Primary.  She folds her arms and tries to walk in with them.

2 years old – walking through a park with Mom.  A very handsome young adult was talking to a group,  when he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Look at that pretty girl!” about Tiana.

I like that my mom mentioned his level of attractiveness, definitely an important detail to add to the story. Handsome young adult men thought I was good looking... at least... back when I was 2. :)

2 years old – walking with Mom around the block.  A boy scout is riding his bicycle.  He stops and tells me Tiana is very pretty.

Apparently the boy scout was not significantly good looking.

3 years old – Tiana reading a book called Possum come a’ knockin’ out loud while Kayli sat there slobbering/teething:   

“Grandma was a knitting,

And Kayli was a spittin’,

When a possum come-a-knockin’ at the door.”

3 years old – sitting by Mom on the couch says, “Your eyes are like a pool that people go swimming in.”

Child prodigy poet.

3 years old – Tiana was a very observant child.  Right when we entered Grandma’s house she said, “Grandma, you finished your picture!  It’s so pretty!”  None of the rest of us had notice the needlepoint work that was done on the piano bench.

3 years old – again observant.  Grandma, you put up new drapes!”  I hadn’t even noticed the new curtains at the back door but they were the first thing to catch Tiana’s eyes.

3 years old – as related to me by Bart Manwaring, Kurt’s dad.  Kurt had been blind since birth and didn’t like coming to church.  He and Tiana were lining up to go to Primary and Tiana went up to Kurt in the hall.  She said, “Hi, my name is Tiana,” and took his hand.  She said something else that was inaudible and Kurt turned to her and said, “I love you too.”

Okay, I lied.. THAT is the most adorable thing you've ever read!  Am I right?? AM I RIGHT?!??!?

3 years old – was very concerned about Mary being married to Joseph because Heavenly Father and Mary had Jesus.

3 years old – When Dad was going to ride on a bareback horse with Tiana for a few steps, he started sliding off the side and held Tiana up high so she wouldn’t hit the ground.  She didn’t know Dad had fallen off, she just thought that he had helped her down because she was frightened.  She turned to Dad and said, “Thank you, Daddy, THANK YOU!!!”

Is anyone else curious about why my Dad and I were riding on a bareback horse?

3 years old – Dad wanted to take Tiana rafting with him, Melanie Cloward, and Traci Wilcock.  Mom didn’t feel good about it and told Dad how she felt.  When Dad came back, he told them about how the river was running dangerously high and when they came to a bridge, a branch from under the water caught the raft and flipped everyone out.  Traci got caught in the branches and Melanie just headed downstream because she couldn’t swim.  Norm had to help Traci.  They were so glad that Tiana hadn’t gone because they were sure someone would have died if Dad had had to help Tiana too.  Once again she was protected.  

4 years old – At Walmart.  We were having picture taken in their studio.  A man stops his wife and says, “Look at that beautiful girl!”

I also love how many of my mom's memories were just people telling her how pretty I was. Great job mom! You've really produced some quality spawn. :)

5 years old – Watching a Sesame Street episode about different people to call when you have different problems, i.e. fireman when there’s a fire.  “If you need a grownup, Aunt Laurie’s the one to call.”

5 years old – after Mom highlighted her hair, she gave a blessing on the food…”And please bless Mommy to get rid of that hair!”

... apparently my bluntness is something I didn't just develop later on in life.

5 years old – “Feels like there’s a rock in my throat, but there really isn’t.”

5 years old – Tiana wonders why we even have holidays that don’t center around Jesus.  Asked if Valentines or Halloween have to do with Jesus and then said, “Then why do we have them?”

5 years old – registering at kindergarten, “There are too many boys in this school.”

Not an issue these days. Solved that problem when I decided to be a dance major. Cooties are no longer a hazard.

5 years old – about Christmas vacation. “Eleven days! What am I going to do for 11 days without school?”

Obviously Netflix hadn't been invented yet.

5 years old – Mom heard a strange noise and went into Tiana’s bedroom.  She found a heavy dresser  about to fall over except for a small lamp that’s cord was keeping it up.  Tiana had climbed up to get something off the top when it tipped over.  It should not have been standing at all.  She was protected that day.

6 years old – 1st time with homework.  “Yea!  I’ve been waiting for this day!  I hope we get lots more homework!”

Apparently dreams do come true... 

6 years old – Gave a talk in primary.  Came out all excited because she felt the Holy Ghost while she was giving her talk.

6 year old – Tiana is conducting at Family Home Evening.  It’s 8:30 pm on a school night in the middle of winter.  She says, “I’m in charge of the activity.  Okay everyone, get on your swimsuits and grab a towel.  We’re going swimming!”

7 years old – “Mom, can you please stop making chocolate chip cookies?”

Okay, okay let me explain this one! Growing up my mom always made loads of treats... and she went through this phase where for months she only made chocolate chip cookies... just took the variety right out of things! #firstworldproblems

7 years old – Dreamed that the moon turned to blood.

Okay, get ready because the cutest stories ever are about to come up regarding me and my first grade best friend / boyfriend. We were CUTE.

7 years old – Overheard by Laurel Terry.  Zack Terry has a talk with Tiana.  Tells her school is starting and he can’t talk to her because of peer pressure.  She says, “Okay, but when your friends aren’t around and mine are, maybe you could talk to me because my friends might think that’s cool!”

7 years old – Zack Terry to Tiana – “If you left for a whole week, my heart would break!”

#attachmentissues

7 years old – Zack Terry to his Mom – Zack: “If I’m going to date Tiana, I’m going to have to learn to listen better.  Laurel:  “Why?”  Zack – “Because she’ll be talking to me and she’ll ask me a question and I have no idea what she said.”

7 years old – As told by Sheila Nelson.  Zack and Tiana were working for their job jugglers business.  Tiana drops some rocks and dirt on the driveway.  Zack goes up to Sheila’s house and asks for a broom to clean up the mess he made.  He took the blame for her.

Chivalry is not dead! (or at least.. it wasn't in 1999)

7 years old – Tiana to Zack when sweeping.  “You do the big sweeping and I’ll do the detail work.”

10 years old – caught her skirt at a dance recital in her tights and danced with all eyes on her.  Afterwards, she came up and told us, “Well, now I know what to do to get everyone to look at me.”

UNDAPANTS. - 10 points to whoever can tell me in a comment what voice that is supposed to be read in.  (*hint hint*  I'm in love with this character from a 90's TV show.) 

13 years old – goes to assistant teach for Lynne Thompson.  Comes out feeling like Lynne wasn’t very happy with her because she hardly said anything to her.  Later Lynne called her mom to say that Tiana was the best assistant she’d ever had and that she could step out to talk to parents because Tiana knew exactly what to do and didn’t need any help.

15 years old – in seminary she is sitting by a boy with special needs.  Her face was mildly broken out and the boys says, “You’ve got a pimple right there… and there… and there… actually they’re everywhere!”

Thanks mom, I'm glad we have this memory saved... sure wouldn't want to forget about that incident!

15 years old – Tiana’s having a bad day.  Feels  like every other girl is beautiful and perfect.  She doesn’t have a chance!  Her Mom tells her that there are other people that are looking at her and feeling the same way.  She doesn’t believe it.  The next day in seminary, her teacher says, “Are you your parents’ favorite child?  It seems like you’re perfect and probably always have you room clean and homework done and everything!”

hahahhahahahahahahahahaha

17 years old – Mom had dog treats on the table.  Tiana thinks it’s beef jerky.  She takes a big bite and looks confused.  Mom comes in and says, “Tiana, that’s dog food."  Her eyes got big and she starts spitting.

18 years old – Tiana:  I don’t like this dress length.  It’s right at my calves.  I don’t want everybody looking at my calves.  Dad:  Tiana, just let those boys know that your eyes are UP HERE.

Lead foot

***ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO***

Me: "AAAH!  Holy cow, you freaked me out, I was ready for you on the other side."
Officer: "Haha sorry about that...I'm pretty sneaky."
Me:  "I'll say, nearly gave me a heart attack."
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No, do I have a light out or something?"
Officer:  "Well... what you did wrong was actually a while back."
Me: "Oh."
Officer: "Back on 4th and 4th you slowed down a lot... but you didn't stop."
Me: "ooooooh"
Officer: "And then again at the Center Street stop sign you...didn't stop completely"
Me: "eeeeeehhh"
Officer: "Yeah... and do you know what you did between the two stop signs?"
Me: "Was I speeding?"
Officer: "15 over."
Me:  "Yikes! 3 strikes... I'm out!"
Officer: "Yeah, sorry but I really can't let that slide.  Do you have your license and registration?"
Me: "Yeah hold on just one second."
*starts rifling through glove box and purse*
Officer: "Where ya headed this late?"
Me:  "I was trying to get to Walmart before Sunday" *looks at clock* (11:45)
Officer: "Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it."
Me: "Yeah I was kinda gettin that feeling."
Me: "Uh-oh."
Officer: "Uh-oh?  That doesn't sound good."
Me: "This is not the purse my wallet is in...so this is not the purse my license is in...so my license is not exactly with me at this time."
Officer: "You do have a valid license, though?"
Me: "Yep.  Just got it renewed this past year."
Officer: "Name"

He ended up having a ton of mercy and only citing me for 9 over and one stop sign.



***FAST FORWARD TO LAST NIGHT***
Me: "Hi.  This is bad, I realize this is the second time in two weeks I've done this.... and I'm going to tell you right now that I don't have my license this time either, but I want you to know that I did learn my lesson about the stop signs.. and last time really was my first ticket, this really isn't as regular of an occurrence as it looks.... because this looks REALLY bad." 
Officer: "Where's your license?"
Me: "About 3 houses away."
Officer: "Alright, do you know what you were doing."
Me: "Yep... I was speeding.  I don't know why I was speeding... I really wasn't in a hurry to get home.  I have absolutely no reason this time... just a lead foot.  BUT I do come to full stops now."
Officer: "Were you the one who was going to Walmart?"
Me: "Yeah.  Hello again."
Officer:  "Well part of the reason we pull you over is to educate you.  I'm glad you've learned your lesson about the stop signs, but you've really got to get that speeding under control.   You were going 15 over again, that is quite the lead foot you've got there.  It's part of my job to educate you, and I'm sorry I clearly didn't get my point across last time.  Fate was on your side tonight, for some reason my radar didn't catch it so you're not getting a ticket."
Me: "THANK YOU.  Wow.  You're the best!!!"
Officer: "This isn't me being nice... this is my radar."
Me: "Right.  Well.. your radar is the BEST!  Tell it thanks for me."
Officer: "Yeah you got lucky... but apparently fate also likes to put me right behind you whenever you're speeding so... I mean this in the best way possible, because you seem like a really great girl.... I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Okay?"
Me: "I feel the same way!  No offense. I've learned my lesson, I'll get my lead foot under control.... I'll make sure we don't run into each other again, because to be honest, I don't want to see you again either!   Thanks again, you're the BEST!"



All credit goes to Heavenly Father for answering my prayers for help even when I don't deserve it! 

When drug-induced paranoia meets Tinder.

DISCLAIMERS:

• I am not trying to pretend like these aren't serious issues when they're long term.  I just happen to see the humor in 99% of situations and I like to point it out.  Don't think I'm mocking you if these are issues you struggle with on a regular basis, because seriously: That sucks.  I just had some humorous results with my minor struggle and I'm totally fine with having a good laugh at MYSELF.  This is not a general mocking, this is all about me :)
• This is probably going to be extremely long and have lots of tangents.... so... it's going to be like every other post I've written. (with even more parentheses than usual) ;)

At the end of the summer I was diagnosed with ADD (not a shock at all, actually a relief because now I can fix it!  Wish I could have figured this out back before I went through high school and 3 years of college struggling with a lack of focus and extreme tendency to procrastinate.).  Doc gave me some meds but I didn't actually start taking them until a few weeks after I moved back home because of a miscommunication (which I will post about some other time). 

So... I started out taking just one pill a day and then I was supposed to upgrade to two pills a day so that I didn't have a dramatic reaction. HA! *snort*

Around the time I started taking 2 pills a day I also opened a TINDER account. 

YES.  YES.  This definitely makes the top 10 list of "Stupidest things Tiana has ever done. Ever. In her entire life.".  I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.  (Don't worry... there will probably be a Tinder blog post because that app is just waaay too easy to make fun of)   Allow me to attempt to justify this:

• This is absolutely terrible and I realize that it sort of makes me an awful human being, but... about 80% of the reason I got a tinder was purely to judge.  Making fun of tools (the men not the items) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  So since Tinder is tool-central... I signed up so that I could tally up the number of men whose profiles screamed "tool" or had other strange characteristics.  (shirtless selfies, "About me" sections that only said: "NCMO?", pictures holding up dead animal carcasses (because your face next to a bloody bunny rabbit really makes me want to date you), pictures with no face (i.e. pictures of helmets, pictures of backs, pictures of abs)).... I mean really... how could I resist?  It's just too darn mock-able.
• Here's the thing.  I have a terrible, terrible, terrible, hilariously awkward dating history.  I can count the number of "good" dates I've been on, on one hand.  (and my standards for a "good date" are lower than almost anyone's I've ever met)  You might think I'm just being picky.... but I assure you... when I recount the majority of the dates I've been on, people CRINGE (and then roll around on the ground laughing until their faces turn purple).  My dating life is bad.  MOST of this is not my fault... but it's statistically improbable that ALL of these bad dates happened to me and only the guys are to blame.  I definitely have my issues as well (which will be addressed in a seperate blog post, naturally).   I'm terrible at dating (have you read my blog or facebook posts? Of course I'm terrible at dating.  I can't even stroll through public places like a normal person without my internal coach telling me how to do it.  I'm sure you are all well aware that I am one big bucket o' awkward.   I decided that I really needed to practice dating... and talking to guys I was mildly attracted to.  So, how does a girl such as I get asked out on dates so she can practice being normal?   Tinder.

So... it happened.  I installed tinder and I started tallying up tools and shopping for men. 

It was all fun and games until the guys I swiped right on started swiping right for me.... and then started up conversations!  I hadn't predicted that I would ACTUALLY get the chance to talk to attractive people and practice dating... I was just doing this so that when people said "You don't even TRY to date!"  I could come back at them with "Ummm no... I do try.  In fact I have taken the most try-y step of all and installed tinder. I even swiped right for some guys!  HA!" (which, by the way worked like a charm.  No one can accuse you of hiding from the dating world when you have a dating app on your phone.)


So... this one guy, we'll call him "Jimmy"... thought that I seemed like a nice, normal girl.  Boy was he in for a treat. 

He messaged me, and we started chatting... nothing too exciting, just the usual get to know you questions:  Where are you from?  Are you working or going to school?  What are you studying?   etc. 
Nice guy.  Seemed normal.  Not a real big connection... but, perfect practice date material. 

Well... a few days after he first messaged me was when my full dose of drugs started to kick in.  I started experiencing some side effects (which I did not realize were from the drugs until over a week later).   What side effects you ask?  Oh just some super severe paranoia and anxiety.


To summarize what happened from there, I'm just going to give all you guys out there some words of advice.   If you are ever in a situation where you meet a girl online who happens to not only be the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to dating... but is also experiencing extreme paranoia at the time... I would avoid the following: 

1. When she mentions that she is new to Tinder and doesn't know how it works... saying that you are a Tinder pro and think it's great. This is not so alarming on it's own... but she will definitely recall it and be freaked out by some of your later behavior
2. Upon asking her about why she is taking a semester off of school and getting the response "God told me to take a semester off so I did, I'm not sure why yet but I'll probably just be working. :)"  Not something to say to a stranger, she typed it out before thinking.  Cut her some slack. She's practicing.  Do not respond with:  "I like how spiritual you are."  ??What??? You don't know how spiritual she is, because you don't actually know her.  You've exchanged less than ten messages back and forth.  Cool your jets on telling her what you like about her. 
3. Calling her two minutes after getting her number and leave a message saying "It's just easier to talk this way especially when there's so much to say.....(meaningful sigh)"  So much to say about what??  So far the conversation has only included basic get to know you questions... and to be honest buddy, it really wasn't flowin'.   Remember.  She is paranoid, on top of being a girl. So she is reading way too much into EVERYTHING.
4. Texting or calling her every single day when she is never starting the conversations. 
5. Calling her at midnight on a Saturday night (or any night).  She's paranoid.  She also happens to have just been informed that Tinder is largely known for hook-ups.  She will probably  avoid answering and then text you and say something like "umm... I probably should have mentioned that I'm not into booty calls.  That's why the first thing in my 'about me' section said VERY LDS.... By VERY I meant: No booty calls."  She will probably realize 2 minutes later that that was an unwise reaction. ... But why the heck do you then want to continue to text her and talk to her?  She's clearly insane. 
6. When you find out that her favorite books to read are romance novels, asking her if they are the "hoochie" kind. 
7. Telling her how miserable your date was that day. Won't really creep her out, but unless it was bad in a funny way... she probably doesn't want to hear about it because she doesn't know you well enough to listen to you talk about how sad you are for blowing 80 bucks on a boring girl.
8. Sending her a selfie with no point to it.  She will probably deactivate her facebook and delete her instagram account at this point, because sending selfies means you're a serial killer. (DUH)
9. Avoid this conversation: 

             -Hey how're you? Just so ya'll know... how're is a real contraction...weird.
             -Hey I'm good but I've actually decided to cut off all of my ties with tinder 
              because for somereason it was really stressing me out haha, but it's been nice
              getting to know you. :) This means YOU are getting cut out of her life.  Because
              she is paranoid and therefore thinks you are completely obsessed with her and
              going to abduct her.
             -Alright, but I think we should talk about this! But best wishes to ya!
             ..... Is this because you think I just want some?
             Oh no... she doesn't think you want to get some.  She thinks you want to kill her
             family, kidnap her, and lock her in a cellar. FOREVER.  (She knows that is a 
             completely illogical conclusion to come to.. but she's been so scared of this
             happening that she's been trembling non-stop for four days now.  So she's
             starting to wonder if this is legit.... because why else would she have this
             constant feeling of impeding doom that started the night you non-booty called
             her?)
             -Thanks for understanding, Did you?  Because that text has her confused... best
             wishes to you too :) Not really.  Really she thinks your a psychopath and wants
             the police to find you so that you go to prison for a long long time.. because
             she's sure that she is currently narrowly avoiding joining at least 10 other girls in
              your cellar. haha no that's not it, I promise.  You seem like a nice guy LIE, the
              whole thing is just stressing me out and I'm trying to cut out unnecessary
              stresses in my life. Truth.  Tinder is hard.
             -blah blah blah I really want to get to know you blah blah blah keep my number
             Your persistence (which really isn't that persistent) is really alarming her.  She
              has said absolutely nothing that should make you want to get to know her more
              ... and you are the tinder pro so you should have plenty of girls waiting in the
              wings and leaving her alone should be no problem... unless you're a crazed
              killer. That's the ONLY logical conclusion.  Well best of luck with figuring out
              why you moved up here!  You're probably supposed to meet a tinder guy ;)
              Okay...no.  That's creepy even to people who aren't experiencing drug-
             induced paranoia and anxiety.
             - I don't think that's it haha inserting nervous laughs in text messages is her way
             of attempting to keep you from knowing how creeped out she is.  She feels like
             if you know that she knows that you're a crazy serial killer who is obsessed with
             her... things will probably escalate way too quickly.  This mere "haha" might
             save her some time.  but thanks, and good luck with all of your future tinder
             endeavors haha
             -I deleted it 8) Refer to #1.  ALARM BELLS will immediately start ringing in her
             head.  Why did the man who loves tinder randomly decide to delete it within
             about an hour of her deleting it??? She now concludes that the only reason you
             would do such a thing is because you are obsessed with her and think you are
             going to marry her and that there is now no reason to date other women.  (
             (Also... what the heck is this face: 8))
             -Why? I thought you were pretty into it? If you've been responding quickly
             consistently up to this point... now is NOT the time to go MIA for a few hours. 
             You're giving her a heart attack, and she's checking outside her window to make
             sure there are no cars parked out front of her house at least every 15 minutes.
             (New text, a few hours later..) Actually, can you please delete my number from
              your phone?  I'll keep yours and if I feel the need to get in contact with you in
              the future I'll text you. She no longer cares if you know that she knows that you
              have crazy intentions.  She is testing you to see if this "I am clearly creeped out
              right now" text gets you to leave her alone... if not...  she's going to finally
              going to tell someone that you're obsessed with her.  Probably the cops.  You
              are going down!
              -Oh... NOW you immediately respond.  Clearly you had no explanation for the
              Tinder deletion.... BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER
              TO MARRY YOU BEFORE KILLING HER.  BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO:
              Course for a bit, it's like any fad though, it gets old!  Later mater. LATER????? She
              knows that by "later mater" you clearly mean "I'll see you when I sneak into your
              room and kidnap you tonight.  Then we shall wed.  Then I'll hack off your head
              with a chainsaw. Sweet dreams my pretty!"  She totally won't sleep that night. 
              AT ALL.  In fact, she is having to pause"My Fair Wedding" throughout the night
              so that she can once again look out the window every 10 minutes to make sure
              you aren't there, and when she has to go out to her car to grab something... she
              will be holding a guitar hero guitar like a baseball bat, scanning the bushes and 
              doing a very defensive walk around her car and scan inside before she opens it
              to grab what she needs.


Sorry, "Jimmy"... but it really wasn't going anywhere anyway.  It's probably best it ended the way it did.