The UN-PLAN

With graduation coming up, I've had a lot of questions lately about what my life plans are. I haven't really been able to answer those questions, and I still can't give a very solid response, BUT, I do finally have a highly tentative, very vague, and extremely liable to change "UN-PLAN" for my life:

Step 1: GRADUATE.  I plan to walk in May and then finish up my last few "mandatory enrichment courses" (which I did not know about until this semester due to some serious oversight on my part AND the part of others *insert growl here*) online in the summer/possibly in the fall depending on when they are offered.  

Step 2: WORK.  For a year, possibly two.  Most likely in Utah or Salt Lake County, at a full time job that will most likely have nothing to do with dance.  I'll be saving up money/paying off student loans from my undergrad.  I will also be going to dance intensives, dancing with some small professional companies, and teaching a little bit at night.

Step 3: STARVE.  Either move to New York (or some other city with a lot of dance opportunity) and give it my best shot as a starving artist, or head off to a currently un-decided grad school (possibly outside the US) to become a starving student again for two years while I get my MFA.... after which I will head to NY to become a starving artist. When I feel it's time to move on from that starving artist journey, I'll teach at the University level somewhere - and hopefully enjoy the luxury of food again ;). 

...So THAT ladies and gentlemen, is the "plan" I have for my life.   

Basically, when it comes to my life, I'm planning to live it... and that's the only thing I know for sure.   

Other than that... I'm pretty flexible.  I want to "go wherever the wind blows me", to put it artistically... hopefully the wind blows me someplace that involves dancing and choreographing, but I do reserve the right to change my un-plan as a result of promptings, work, love, or anything else that makes me want to change it. I also reserve the right to not be accused of throwing my life away or giving up on my goals if my un-plan changes.  

Here's to following your dreams, even if they change along the way. 

lessons re-learned

A few months back I was driving back to school after spring break when I looked down and saw that my gas was just above empty.  I knew an exit with a gas station was coming up and decided that I would just stop there.  Well, as the exit was approaching and I tried to change lanes so I could exit, I realized that I was completely blocked in.  I tried my best to get into the right lane, but I hadn't noticed the problem in time.  As I passed the exit and looked down at my gas gauge my heart dropped a little bit.  The needle was now dangling below the empty line.. and I had learned from previous experience that this car didn't have enough of a reserve to get me more than a few miles.  I was about halfway along on my three hour drive, so making someone come rescue me would be asking them to take two hours of their time - not to mention the gas money.   Immediately I started praying, asking Heavenly Father to please help my car last until the next gas station.  I slowed down and coasted as much as possible as I said a preading prayer as I passed exit after exit that did not have a gas station. My prayers worked and I miraculously made it to the gas station in Beaver and filled up my tank after driving for about 40 miles with basically no gas in my car.  I spent the remainder of my drive home thanking Heavenly Father for his merciful miracle and promising to never get myself in that situation again.

I spent last weekend down visiting Southern Utah.  While leaving Cedar City I thought about filling my car up with gas, but after running a few things over in my mind, decided instead to fill it up later on in my journey because it would make things simpler.  I passed the halfway point without filling up - I still had enough gas to make it to the next stop, and by then I would need to use the bathroom, so I figured waiting until I was already going to need to stop made more sense.  I turned up my music and drove on... right past the exit with a gas station I had intended to stop at. 

As I drove past the exit, I realized that I had spaced out and quickly looked at the gas gauge.  I suddenly realized that my fuel economy was not what I had thought it was, and I was definitely in trouble: the tank was once again below empty.  As I started driving, trying to remember now far it was to the next exit, panic set in.  I started praying as hard as I could, and my prayer went something like this:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know this car probably can't make it to the gas station alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.

As I pulled into the gas station 20 later, and said a prayer of gratitude... I replayed through my prayers in my head.  I thought about a particular flaw that I have, a mistake I repeatedly make in my life.  It's frustrating to me to be less than the good person I know I should be.  Heavenly Father has helped me overcome this particular weakness time and time again.  He has worked a miracle and helped me learn my lesson over and over again.  He has repeatedly helped me defeat my flaw, and I have repeatedly let myself down and felt this terrible quality slip back up again even though I know it's not who I want to be.  I had let this shortcoming sneak back into my life once more, and was naturally very upset with myself for not being the better person I knew I should be.   I was scared to ask Heavenly Father for help again... scared that He would tell me He had given up on me, scared that he would say, "I already helped you with this when you didn't deserve it, you got yourself into this mess, and I don't have to help you get yourself out of it".  Scared and ashamed as I was, I started to pray:

Heavenly Father, I messed up.  I am SO sorry.  I know that you already bailed me out of this situation once.  I know that I promised not to make this mistake again.  This is 100% my fault, I should have learned my lesson.  I know that I probably can't make it where I need to go alone, but I know that with your help, I can get there.  I know you have already shown me more than enough mercy when I messed up like this before.  I know that I don't deserve your help.  I knew better.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more prepared, it would have been easy to prevent this if I had been on my guard earlier.  I don't know why I was dumb enough to get into this pickle a second time.  I am so sorry... I know I have no right to beg you for this.. but, even though I don't deserve it, I'm asking you to help me make it there again.


In my life I am constantly shocked at how very human I am.  I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again instead of learning them the first time... if I only had to learn lessons once I would probably be darn near perfect after 22 years.  I am thankful for a plan that allows me to learn and re-learn the lessons that make me a better person, and for a perfect, merciful Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me the help I need even when it's not the help I deserve.

You are His.

So... this is me being the most vulnerable I've ever been on the blog.   I'm posting a picture of my journal entry from last night... because I think that sometimes being vulnerable allows your experiences and insights to help others.   A lot of people will probably read this and think it's dumb, but that's okay because I'm not posting this to get attention, or compliments, or validation.  I'm posting this because I don't need those.  I'm posting this because I was having a rough week when I started writing in my journal, fully intending to vent... and instead Heavenly Father gave me comfort and confidence as I wrote - changing the message I was sending to myself.  I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who struggle with this a lot more than I do.  There are people who feel the way I felt for the past few weeks all the time.  There are people who might need to hear this.  Maybe one of those people will read this blog, and maybe it will remind them to change their perspective like it helped me remember to change mine.. 

 

P.S.  God is amazing.  He has so many incredible ways of answering my prayers and helping me to remember the things he's been telling me all along.   He is SO great. 

and so are you.

whys, IMUA, progression, and love.

If you don't know anything about my recent move back home... THIS would probably be helpful to read.. but if you don't have time that's okay.  This post is just a collection of thoughts that probably won't make sense to anyone else anyway. :)

One thing I left out of my explanation.... and out of conversations anytime anyone would ask, was that when I received the prompting to move home... there was another feeling that came with it.  The feeling I got was that I would not know the why for a long time... if ever in this life.  I felt like there was not going to be some big "Aha!" event or situation that happened.  I didn't feel like I would start dating the man I was supposed to marry, I didn't think a life-changing opportunity would present itself, I didn't think I would make a ton of money or have a wonderful job, I didn't think I would absolutely change anyone's life. ... but having that feeling didn't stop me from wanting a why.   I wanted that confirmation for me and everyone else.  I wanted to be able to say "SEE!  I told you I was following the Spirit!  Something huge happened that I would have missed if I hadn't moved!  Isn't personal revealation cool?? See how that worked?  See how my life was changed for the better in a really big way???"

Guess what... I didn't get my why.

After I moved back home, things were hard.  I knew I had made the right decision, but things were not working out at all.  I kept learning about more and more reasons why my semester at school would have been perfect if I would have stayed, my parents were frustrated with my decision and to be honest... even though they are wonderful and didn't do anything wrong - they were not the support system I had hoped for, I had a struggle figuring out things for my online classes since the financial aid office wouldn't respond to my emails or phone calls, and I couldn't find a job because every interviewer I spoke with told me that they needed a minimum of a one-year commitment, and I couldn't do that.

For the first month of being home I was a complete wreck.  People would ask me about how things were turning out and I would smile and say "Oh, I'm still figuring things out", while holding back tears... because who wants to make a giant life change based on a prompting and then say, I'm miserable.  I gave it all up and nothing turned out.  I wish I was down at school, I miss everything about my life there.  Nothing has happened, and even though I know it was the right decision, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand why.  

I kept trying to figure out why Heavenly Father sent me back.  What purpose did He have in asking me to give up what felt like so much?  Why did he want me to come back here only to be failing at everything I did?  What was the point of all this?  Why didn't he provide work for me?   There had to be something big coming or he wouldn't ask me to give all that up, right???

I have never felt so lost and confused.  I have never felt so useless.  I have never been so directionless.  I have never been so exhausted from just the constant thoughts running through my own head. 

The first weekend in October, I hit my breaking point.  

Friday morning, my parents decided to have a conversation with me to see where I was going with my life, and what my gameplan was, what I was going to try to work on while I was up here... it didn't go well.  That conversation ended up being my frustrated parents trying to set goals with me, while I tried to explain through choked sobs that I was TRYING to figure out what I was supposed to be doing up there, but nothing was working out.  I didn't want to set all of these goals because I didn't know  why I was there.  I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. Nothing seemed to be panning out, and I was stuck.

That conversation happened right before we went to a funeral for an incredible man who was a family friend of ours.  (sidenote:  If you ever need to have a crucial conversation about a subject that might evoke a lot of emotion.... the half hour between a viewing and a funeral that you spend at home is probably not the best time.)  As I walked into the funeral and sat down, my aunt tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was doing okay.  I had answered everyone else with a smile telling them I was figuring it out... but with the emotions of that day already, I broke.  I started to cry and just shook my head no. 


I was stuck.

I was hurting.

I was homesick.

I was broken.

.....and then the funeral began.  My attention shifted from myself to the inspirational man who had recently been taken from this world, and to all that I could learn from his example.



That funeral changed my life.  I barely knew David Lange, but I have become a completely different person in many ways because of him.

Rather than try to explain this man's amazing perspective on life, I'll let you look at what was on the back of the program:

 

One of David's daughters spoke about a time when she had been trying to decide between several great options in her life.  She wasn't sure what direction to move in and wasn'r receiving a clear answer on what she should do.  When she told her dad about the dilemma, he told her that whatever she chose didn't matter nearly as much as the choice to move forward in any direction did.

 

Hit me right in the gut.

 

Throughout the weekend in General Conference the importance of picking myself up and moving forward kept standing out to me.  I also had a talk with a good friend of mine who was in town for the weekend.  After I explained that things weren't going well... he said some things that reminded me to put on my big girl pants and start moving forward.  

 

Two days later, I found a job... it wasn't anything close to what I was looking for, it was a big drop in pay, and it was at a call center... but I took it. 

 

While all this was happening, I was studying 2 Nephi 31:20. 

 

 

I started working on moving forward, and decided to not allow myself to wallow anymore, because that definitely wasn't the direction Heavenly Father wanted me moving in. 

 

I started focusing on loving everyone around me.  I focused on helping other people deal with their trials (most of which were much bigger than mine), and helping to brighten the days of those around me.  I decided to start actively working to bring those around me closer to Christ - sometimes by making visits to people as a ward missionary, sometimes by example, sometimes through kindness, sometimes through genuine compliments, and usually just through being a friend. 

 

Guess what happened?

 

 I became happy with where I was.

 

I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

 

As I gave love, I started to feel more love in return than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I started to like myself.

 

I realized that the more I tried to love people, the more I wanted to love them, and the more I realized how much I really do love them.

 

I fell in love with my new life.

 

 

 

I honestly don't know if anyone was actually impacted by my attempts to show love.  I don't know if anyone noticed a difference.  I doubt anyone's life was changed, or even their day, because I decided to change my focus. 

 

I don't know if there's another, bigger why I was asked to come home.  I don't know yet what I'm doing next semester. 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

 

Here's what I do know:  

 

I know that if I had the choice, I would move back here again.   I have learned to trust Heavenly Father, and that he truly does know what is best for me - even if what's best for me requires a big effort on my part, with results that are less than obvious.

 

I know that if we focus outward and upward, everything hard that we think is going on inward will take care of itself, and we will be able to move forward.

 

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of you, and that he will never put us in a place where we cannot grow.  He sees and knows everything, and he always does what is best for us. 

 

I know that if we are not moving forward, we will not be feeling true happiness. True happiness comes from love and progression. True happiness comes from coming closer to Christ.

 

So get moving, share the love, look up, and go conquer the world. :)



The Queen has returned, and there's been a "major" change ("Pun"ny)

Disclaimer: This post isn't incredibly funny or opinionated - it's just the regular "update on life" post I feel obligated to write every once in awhile.  Sorry to disappoint ;).

LOCATION
I really didn't want to move home for the summer, but due to some strong impressions and intervention from my Heavenly Father... I'm here.  I am completely confident that I made the right decision, even though right now it's hard and doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  Hopefully the reasons why will become clear to me, but if not... that's okay. I know it's right because God told me to do it. :)


SCHOOL

 I've decided (tentatively) that I'm now going to double major in Dance Performance... or education (I can't decide.  I need to talk to my advisor because the catalog is confusing and I have "major" commitment issues - haha see what I did there? Gotcha with another "Pun"ny major joke.)  and....

*Drumroll please*

Hospitality Management.

I want to be an event coordinator. :)

Here are my long-story-short reasons for this new endeavor:

• I started taking an education class to start certifying to teach dance in high schools and decided that for many reasons, it wasn't for me.  
• I realized that I looove event planning/management and I'm kind of good at it.
• I still love dance though, so no way am I giving that up.  Heckno techno.
• How am I (the most indecisive and commitment-in-any-form-phobic person on the planet) going to decide whether to go with dancing or event planning when I first graduate?  Well...  I'm planning on two incredible jobs (one in each field) with opposite schedules to pop up in the exact same area.  Don't tell me how improbable that is - I'll cross that bridge when I come to it... and I'll probably cross it while hyperventilating into a paper bag

WORK

I currently have two jobs and I'm sort of half-heartedly looking for a third right now. 

Job #1 

I can't believe I haven't blogged about this already!  I am a distributor for It Works Global!   

Have you heard about those crazy skinny wraps? 

I sell them (the kind that are easy, work, and have long lasting results - not those crappy 8-step-results-last-48-hours-and-you're-just-losing-water-weight wraps. Don't buy those.)  They are wraps that tighten, tone, and firm your skin in just 45 minutes.  Sounds too good to be true - but it's not!  They really do what they say and the results really do last. :) 

   There will probably be more blog posts about all of the awesome products I sell and how they are changing my life, because I really love them.  A lot.  

(Okay I can't help myself..... I have to tell you about two of the products:  FAT FIGHTERS keep fats, oils, and carbs from absorbing into my body so I can eat chinese and italian food when I have cravings and NOT see the results on the scale the next day,  and GREENS which have a TON of nutrients and turned my life around when I thought I had mono because of my lack of energy... lots o goodness, loooots o goodness)

If you want to try some of these products or have any questions for me please leave your email in a comment or go to wrapmyselfslim.myitworks.com.  You can purchase products or send me a message on there. 

Really, even if you think you can't afford it LEAVE YOUR EMAIL.  I have some sneaky ways to get you wrapped for FREE.

Job #2

I've earned my throne back! :)

The same day I BOMBED that other interview (you can read about that here if you have no idea what I'm talking about) I went to another interview a few hours later and got offered the job on the spot!  It's not a very glamorous job - so I won't explain in detail what it is right now... but the pay is GREAT, the people I met when I came in for the interview were super nice, the schedule is flexible, and I got great vibes from the company.  

(Did I mention the pay is great?? Because I'm so excited to make money.)

**Spiritual thought about this job:  I'd been having an unusually hard time finding a job, and the biggest issue I was having was that for some reason every job I applied for needed me to work Sundays.  I'd just head out mid-interview whenever they brought that up.  

I made a commitment with Heavenly Father a long time ago that I would never work Sundays unless it was a job that someone had to do on Sundays... Like people who work in hospitals, firestations, etc. 

I was getting really frustrated, but I kept praying and receiving confirmation that Heavenly Father would provide work for me.  

Little did I know, the job He had in mind for me was much more than I was expecting, and will relieve a lot of financial stress for me.

When we follow His commandments, things work out.**

Life is good.  I wish I could tell you about all of the incredible blessings I've received lately, but I don't even know if blogger would let me have a post that long.  Just know that my life is amazing and I really don't know how I am constantly receiving all that I am from my Father in Heaven - He's really given me much more than I could ever be deserving of. 

True Colors

There have been so many times in the past month that I've heard of someone's worst side coming out.  Someone snapping and saying something they wouldn't usually say or doing something that I knew they were ashamed of.  Whenever I heard about these things, the people around me would say things like 

"well, I guess that her true colors came out"

 or 

"Well, that really showed his true character." 

I HATE that.

I hate that one mistake can change someone's entire opinion about a person.  No matter how much good someone has done, if they say or do something wrong, suddenly that's their "true self". 

I think that we should stop judging people by the worst things they do, and start making judgments based on the best things they do.  

Someone's character isn't based on the instances where we slip up.  Even though we should all stick to our values and be our best selves as much as possible... we all make mistakes, and we all have regrets.  We can't let those mistakes define us, and we can't let others mistakes define the way we see them.  

Character is about who we are consistently striving to be. 

***obviously, there are some mistakes that are bigger than others and we really do have to be careful about trusting people again.  Not every mistake can be ignored.  I'm talking about the ones that can - words we regret saying, small actions where we weren't as kind as we wish we would have been, etc.***

Bright sides

I feel like I've been kind of negative lately.  I'm so sorry for those of you who have had to be around that.  Time to fix it!  Step one: Blog about how amazing my life is!

• How many times can I tell you how awesome my roommates are?  Not enough!  The other day after a long rehearsal, following a night of very little sleep, I was hungry and I got SO cranky.  Out of control grumpy, most people would have SMACKED me.  What did my roomies do?  They walked away and laughed.  Then when I apologized later, they laughed with me.  Exactly what I need, people who laugh at me when I'm being ridiculous, instead of getting frustrated about it.  THANKS GIRLS.
• I have a job I love.  I seriously look forward to going to work every day.  :)  
• I get to do what I love all day, every day.  I get to study dance!  How many people get to dance around all day for their education?
• I have the most wonderful professors I could ever dream of. Strict and dedicated, yet hilarious and relaxed.  They really are just the greatest human beings.  Not only do they teach me in the classroom.  They also work outside the classroom to take my education to the next level.  They provide me with wonderful opportunities, experiences, and advice.  Love those guys. 
• I had a biology test I was completely unprepared for, plus 5 homework assignments that I was only halfway finished with due in my class this Tuesday.  I also had rehearsal, work, and TONS of stuff I needed to get done.  I was adding up the hours I would need to complete everything and freaking out because I didn't understand how I could possibly get it done.  Well.. on Tuesday (when I still had 2 assignments to do and had barely studied) my biology teacher decided to move the homework date to THURSDAY.  Guess what that meant... I GOT TO SHOWER!!!  (and study more)  I know that showering doesn't sound like a big deal, but I really was thinking I'd have to go until Friday before I had those extra 10 minutes. It's hilarious, but it's a blessing. I really did get teary eyed when I found out about that tender mercy Heavenly Father gave me.
• I am performing in a BEAUTIFUL dance concert this weekend. I am so grateful to have been chosen to perform in such stunning pieces from these choreographers.  I really have loved the whole process of putting this concert together.  Tonight was our opening night and it went great!  Hopefully you can all come see it soon, it's definitely worth your time. :)
• Heavenly Father has blessed me with so many ways to help people this week!  Back massages, simply listening, praying and fasting for someone I love, helping a friend hunt down a mouse in her apartment, bringing friends Ben and Jerrys for some comfort...  I have had so many opportunities.  I really tried this week to find ways to help people, without their asking.Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?  So happy.  Sure, my wallet may be lighter, my arms may be sore, and I may have had a few hours less sleep each night... but I can tell you the feeling I got from knowing that I had made someone else's life a little brighter, outweighed all of those.  Service is such a blessing!
• I finally found a *cheap* pair of leggings for dance.  BIG DEAL.  I'm in love with these things.   
• I haven't had to pull an all-nighter yet this week.  Things keep unexpectedly working out so that I get at least a few hours of sleep each night.  Thank goodness!
• None of my injuries have been acting up very much this concert.  The only issues I've had have been super minor and haven't impacted my dancing at all.  Seriously, a miracle.
• My lovely roommates let me borrow their clothes. THIS IS A BIGGIE.  I am literally down to underwear and less than 5 too-tight T-shirts.   It's bad.  I haven't had a chance to do laundry, but guess what.... it's okay!  Because my roommates are the nicest people on the planet and they allow me to borrow their shirts to make it through.  
• It hasn't gotten very cold yet... so we haven't had to turn on our heater!  Hooray for saving on our energy bills!
• I had a GREAT day in ballet the other day.  I danced really really well.. better than I have in months.  It just felt so great to know I was doing my best and it was showing. :)

I could keep going for at least another hour I'm sure... but I'll wrap it up there.

DANG.  My life is good. :)

about that missionary age-change announcement...

I am so excited about the new age change! 

I wasn't able to watch conference on Saturday due to a dance competition I was helping to run, but I went home and watched the video of the announcement that night. 

Can I just say... WOW.  Powerful stuff.  The moment President Monson started speaking, I felt the spirit so strong it just squeezed the tears right out of me. 

Here's the clip for those of you who missed it:
http://youtu.be/W0ZJerwiodw

I can already imagine the benefits of these changes...   

People who were worried about taking time out of the middle of school can now leave before their schooling starts at all.  

More young girls on their missions might mean less of them rush into marriage right out of high school.

I've seen a lot of great young men head off to their freshman year of college with every intention of going on a mission afterward, and end up getting caught in the wrong crowd and changing their mind, often changing everything about their lives.

and so many other great things..

BUT

I'm a little bit worried. 

I'm worried because of the number of facebook statuses I saw from young girls saying they have suddenly decided to serve a mission because it's more convenient.   I also saw comments from people saying things like:  "A mission is always the right choice!"  or, "Go on a mission!"

Don't get me wrong, I understand that some people may have felt The Spirit testify to them very strongly during General Conference that this is right for them.  Some may have even been preparing for their mission in a few years, and be grateful that they can now leave sooner.  I think missions are great, and I know sister missionaries do amazing things in the field. 

But to all those young girls now considering going on a mission, please, please, PLEASE.. include Heavenly Father in your decision.  Not only on whether or not a mission is right for you, but what the right timing is for you.  

In the press conference following the announcement, authorities made it very clear that missions are NOT a requirement for young women, they are an option.  Not because some people aren't worthy or good enough for a mission, but because they are not for everyone. 

I, for example, LOVE the idea of serving a mission.  I would love to dedicate a year and a half of my life to Heavenly Father and spreading his love.  I think it would be an amazing experience that would help me grow as a person.  I have prayed to Heavenly Father about serving a mission and have always gotten a very clear "NO."  The impression that I have been given is that there is work Heavenly Father wants me to do here instead.  The issue is not a desire to serve, or lack of testimony.  The reason I'm not going on a mission is because I want to serve in the best way I can, and I know that Heavenly Father knows what that best way is.  So I'm trusting him.  I'm trusting that what he wants for me is not what everyone might think is the best. 

To those of you who are influences in the lives of these young girls:  instead of encouraging them to serve missions.  Encourage them to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father, and then talk to him about whether or not that is the right decision for them.   Encourage them to trust him, even if the answer he gives them isn't what one would naturally assume is best. 

To all you single RMs (and not-RM but.. in the marrying stage of life) out there:  STOP valuing return sister missionaries above the rest of us.  I have met several amazing young men who will only date return missionaries.  It ticks me off.  Because I followed Heavenly Father's plan for me, and it didn't involve one specific path, guys won't date me.  I imagine this problem will get much worse as it gets easier for young women to go on missions.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that return missionaries are better than the rest of us, or that they are automatically stronger.  

I admire return missionaries, but many of the greatest women I have ever met did not serve missions.  Everyone please be respectful of people's decisions, as long as they involve the Lord I know they will be correct. 


** On a lighter note...... all these girls leaving might mean less overwhelming selection for the guys, and more dates for me - three cheers for free food and good company! :) 

To all you failures and losers out there...

Hey guys, sorry it's been a while.  My laptop was broken for a bit there (yes, yes, all of you who know of my ongoing battle with technology go ahead and laugh - I didn't even do anything wrong this time, I swear!)... anyway I wasn't about to go use the library computer to blog with people walking by staring at what I'm posting.  This post won't be as funny as a lot of the past ones, but maybe some of you will be able to relate... and maybe this will help someone discover (or rediscover)  what I've discovered (and rediscovered) through the past few weeks.  I'll start out with a poem that a friend of mine shared in sacrament meeting.  The week she shared this was a week I desperately needed it.  I was in the middle of a hard time, where I felt like everything was going wrong, and that I was a COMPLETE failure at everything.  This poem gave me the strength to pick myself up and keep trying.  I'm sure a lot of you have heard it before.. but I think it's one worth reading again.

The Race

They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win the race. 
Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place. 
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son, 
And each boy hoped to show his dad, that he would be the one. 

The whistle blew, and off they went, Young hearts and hopes afire. 
To win, to be the hero there, was each young boy's desire. 
And one boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd, 
Was running near the head, and thought: "My dad will be so proud!"

But as they speeded down the field, across a shallow dip
The little boy, who thought to win, lost his step, and slipped. 
Trying hard to catch himself, his hands flew out to brace
And mid the laughter of the crowd, he fell flat on his face.

So, down he fell, and with him hope, he couldn't win it now. 
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow. 
But as he fell, his dad stood up, and showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said: "Get up and win the race."

He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit, that's all. 
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. 
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs; he slipped and fell again!

He wished then, he had quit before, with only one disgrace. 
"I'm hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn't try to race."
But in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face, 
That steady look that said again; "Get up and win the race!"

So, up he jumped to try again, ten yards behind the last. 
"If I'm to gain those yards", he thought, "I've got to move real fast!"
Exceeding everything he had, He gained back eight or ten, 
But trying so to catch the lead, He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! he lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye. 
"There is no sense in running more; three strikes I'm out, why try?"
The will to rise had disappeared, All hope had fled away. 
So far behind, so error prone, a loser all the way. 

"I've lost, so what's the use," he thought, "I'll live with my disgrace."
But then, he thought about his dad, who soon he'd have to face. 
"Get up!" an echo sounded low, "Get up and take your place!
You were not meant for failure here, Get up and win the race!"

"With borrowed will, get up," it said, "You haven't lost at all!
For winning is no more than this, TO RISE EACH TIME YOU FALL!"
So up he rose to run once more, And with a new commit, 
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit!

So far behind the others now, the most he'd ever been. 
Still he gave it all he had, and ran as though to win. 
Three times he'd fallen stumbling. Three times he'd rose again. 
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end. 

They cheered the winning runner, as he crossed the line first place, 
Head high, and proud, and happy. No falling, no disgrace. 
But when the fallen youngster crossed the line in last place, 
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race. 

And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud. 
You would have thought he won the race to listen to the crowd. 
And to his dad, he sadly said, "I didn't do so well."
"To me, you won!" his father said, "You rose each time you fell!"

In my life I have made more than my fair share of mistakes.  

I've said a lot of words that should have never been said.  I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have done.  Not only that... but I've also been silent when there were words I should have said.  I've sat back and relaxed when there were things I should have done. 

I have failed A LOT.  

It's hard.  It hurts to fail, especially when I know it's my own fault... no outside forces, no excuses.  Just stupidity, laziness, pride, and bad judgement. 

I fail at something every single day.  NEVER does a day go by that I don't mess up in some way.  Never does a day go by that I don't regret at least one choice I've made.  Never does a day go by where I can't think of anything I could have handled better.

 I am NEVER anywhere near perfect. 

 NEVER.

It's really tough to not feel inadequate when failure happens on a daily basis. 

Watch this little inspirational country song, it helps me feel a little better

when I'm feeling like I suck at life... Tim always knows what to say :)

I am constantly getting better.  I am always improving and learning.

Since leaving for college I've learned and progressed a lot....

I've learned to be waaaay less dramatic, because my life's not hard, and I don't need to act like it is to get attention.  I've learned to act like an adult (most of the time) 

I've learned how to tolerate(and not only tolerate, but love) people, without tolerating their sins.  I've learned that being the first to apologize is more important than winning the argument.  I've learned to control my temper more. I've learned to fight fire with class.  I've learned to stand up for what I believe in... even when I feel like I'm standing alone.  I've learned to let the little things go.  I've learned to be grateful and positive.

I'm still working on all these things, but I've grown a ton!  I try really hard every day to do what President Hinckley said and:

"stand a little taller... rise a little higher... be a little better."

BUT


no matter how hard I try...

I still mess up every day.  

I still make so many mistakes that it overwhelms me.  

I still fall short.

...Which is why it's a good thing I've learned my most important lesson:

I have learned about the strength found in the atonement. 

I've learned that there are two kinds of help the atonement provides.. the cleansing and redeeming power, and the strengthening and enabling power. read this talk by Elder Bednar if you want to find out more about these two powers

I've learned that I need both of these to make it through every. single. day.

I am turning to him to become better, and it's working.

I still mess up, and I still have days that I feel like a complete failure, but He is still there.


 I know that there is always someone up above rooting for me, someone who loves me more than I can comprehend.  Someone who knew I was going to mess up in this life, so He suffered for me so that through His grace I can make it through okay.  

Because of Him, I will never be alone.  Because of Him, I can keep improving, no matter how bad I mess up. Because of Him, as long as I'm choosing the right, I will always have the only person that matters on my side.  Because of Him, I can get through any trial... big or small.  Because of Him, my mistakes can be erased. Because of Him, if I'm trying my best, everything will work out. (maybe not in my timetable... or in the way I expect/want... but it will work out)  Because of Him, I can find strength to keep going after I've messed up. 


 Because of Him, as long as I keep going and keep trying... one day, I can be perfect.