I'm sorry I didn't stand up.

For most of my life I've been considered a "molly mormon" (someone who lives the mormon standards very strictly), and I've been proud of that fact.  I love that title and I want to be known as someone who tries to be as good as she can.  

I'm the girl who asks to fast forward certain scenes in the movies.  I've never seen an R-rated movie and I never plan to.  I leave conversations if I don't feel like the spirit is present.  I don't go to parties where there will be drinking.  I try really hard to live my life so that everyone knows my standards and how strict they are. 

Last night I went to a play.  It started out raunchy right from the beginning.  The amount of profanity and the jokes made in the play were absolutely disgusting.  I'm pretty I had a permanent scowl on my face.  I was absolutely appalled by the entire show.  

I didn't leave.

I didn't enjoy the play at all, and I turned my head away at several parts, but I didn't leave.  I was seated in one of the most inconvenient spots in the theater, where I would have had to shimmy past several people to get out.  I knew that leaving would disrupt the entire show, and that everyone would see me walk out.  So I just sat there.  I just sat there and let all of that nasty stuff get into my mind.   

I walked out of the theater livid, mad that I hadn't seen any content advisory in the program, mad that there hadn't been an intermission I could escape during, and most of all angry with myself.

I had a pit in my stomach the size of a watermelon the rest of the night.  I knew I should have left and I didn't. I just sat there, letting my Heavenly Father down.  Letting my standards drop. 

I've decided that no matter how what the inconvenience is, I will stick to my standards from now on.  I may be the odd duck everyone stares and scoffs at, I may be called a prude, but I will not let myself watch things I know God doesn't want me seeing.  Lesson learned.  

I want to apologize for all of you who were in that theater, because I knew a good third of the people in there.  I'm sorry for not showing you who I really am. I'm sorry for not taking a stand.  I'm sorry if any of you were thinking about leaving but waiting for that one other person in the room to have the courage to get up.  I'm sorry, next time I'll be the brave one.