patient, but ready.

Alright, so as a continuation from my last post about crazy Utah college girls and their opinions on marriage... Here's my further thoughts on the matter:

Throughout the last two years, I have been in almost every category I mentioned in my last post.  My opinion has been swinging from one extreme to the other depending on the week, the day, and the number of friends I'd had get engaged each week.  I'm sure most of you have heard me saying one or more of the following (and I am more than a little ashamed to admit this... ):

"All the good ones are either taken or gay"
 (well.. to be fair, I'm in the dance department... so I really don't meet my fair share of straight guys)

"hmm.. let me think about it... are there going to be a lot of hot RMs there?"

"I just really want to fall in love"

(still true.. I am a hopeless romantic... but not so picky about WHEN I fall in love)

"I'm in a committed relationship with dance"

"a relationship would take me away from my *insert activity here: schoolwork, dancing, pinteresting*,  I don't have time to look at men"

"I can't get married until I've graduated college because, let's face it, if I have a hot husband there's no way Ill be focusing on schoolwork."

"I'll just be a cat lady, with no cats."

"who needs men, anyway?"

"I've got my whole life to be married, I'd like to be single as long as possible before the majority of my life begins"

"the only guys I attract are creepers, I refuse to marry a creep. Therefore... I will never marry."

"I'm on a man fast."

(Yes. I really did go on a man fast, I refused to like anyone, flirt with anyone, or try at all in the man department for a few months.  I'll just explain why I did that and why I called it off in a separate blog post because I have too many words to say about that for it to be a subsection on this post.) 

Pretty conflicting statements, eh?

  Yeah.. imagine being in my brain and trying to sort these out and figure where I stand while hearing very positive arguments from every nutso angle.  

Yep, it's been rough. 

I don't want to be stupid and rush into marriage before I'm ready like a lot of girls do... but, not gonna lie, I'm also super stoked for marriage.  

I mean... just think of all the perks:

-I will always have a person to go to things with... games, parties, movies, whateva


-having someone who (most of the time, from what I've seen...) gets me, and has the same standards as me


-a person you can bounce off of, comedy at it's finest. (at least for me that's absolutely crucial)


-eternal scripture study buddy! 


-someone to set goals with


-someone to make decisions with


-permanent cuddle buddy :) 


-lotsa kissing.


-He will never move away- well... at least not in the kind of marriage I plan on having... we will not be doing a long distance marriage thing... unless it's for a very very very short amount of time.  Living apart for years doesn't really sound like marriage to me.


-someone to cook meals with :)


-no more awkward first dates


-dates!


-always a man to check the house for psychos when you hear weird noises at night


-best friend ...forever! :)  makes me grin just thinking about it! 


-someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and hilarious, and amazing, and that they love me, and all that good stuff. :)


-I won't have to be afraid of getting stuck with crazy roommates! not that my roommates now are crazy - they're fantastic actually! :)


-someone to make me soup when I'm sick :)


-dance partner 


- and i could go on and on and on and on... but most of all.... 
ETERNAL LOVE.. doesn't that just sound like the best thing in the world??? I sure think so. :) 

but

marriage is not all fine and dandy... from what I hear it's actually pretty tricky stuff.  Bills, disagreements, differences between men and women, communication styles, all that jazz... it's tough. 

plus, I find it so crazy that two people can actually fall in love... 

I mean the odds that I will find someone who: 

a) I find attractive
b) has the same standards as
c) has the same sense of humor as
d) I can have long, deep, meaningful conversations with
e) I think is the most incredible guy in the world
f) I can talk to about anything

are super super slim. 

I am one picky chick. 

on top of that... HE has to reciprocate all these things! 

 what are the odds that we are both going to feel the same way about eachother? 

 Plus, he has to be strong in the gospel, love the Lord more than anyone-even me, and meet a bunch of other criteria.

I can't help but wonder how in the world all of that is going to line up...

I've had feelings for amazing guys before - but they haven't felt the same about me.... then I've had guys have pretty strong feelings for me before - but I definitely didn't feel the same about them.

 Blows my freakin mind that people get married every day.  

Seriously.... love is some crazy stuff. 

plus.. 

A lot of the time I really feel terrified of marriage. 

Sometimes I still feel super young, I'm only 20, after all. I graduated high school less than 2 years ago.  

I have never been in love.  

I've never had a boyfriend

...and to be honest I haven't really dated that much at all.   
(which is fine - PLEASE, this is not a desperate cry for dates!  I am not someone who feels the need to be going on dates with a million guys in order to have some self-worth.)

It seems like I should knock those things out first...

 but then again, I honestly don't want to get in a relationship with someone if I think there's no chance I could marry them. 

 Call me crazy, but

 if I don't think there's at least a chance I could marry that person, why date them? 

 where is it going to go?  

It's only going to end in heartbreak.

 So if I don't feel ready to get married, why try to date?

So... I refused to try to do anything to prepare for marriage.. thinking that it would mean I was husband hunting.  

My friend asked me to take "preparing for an eternal marriage" with her at the institute.  Heckno techno.  
If I'm prepared that means I want to get married right now... better off to just be clueless, right?

but then....

I started having these terrifying thoughts... 

what if I run into my eternal companion, but I'm not ready? what if I meet some amazing, incredible guy, but I can't even date him because I haven't made myself amazing and incredible enough for him?  What if Heavenly Father's timing is different than mine?  What if he doesn't want me to be finished with college... what if He wants me to meet my future husband and marry him while I'm still in school... but I refuse to be ready? 

What if????

so then I was just totally confused:

I don't want to be the psycho husband hunter...

 but I want to be ready if it comes earlier than expected... 

so what category do I fit in? Where do I stand???

Well... I've decided that right now... I'm just going to work on being the best person I can be.  I want to be one awesome lady so that one day I deserve an incredible gent.  I want to learn everything I can about building a successful relationship and learning how to date in a way that's going to lead up to an eternal marriage.  (which is why I am, in fact, enrolled in "preparing for an eternal marriage" right now.)  I want to prepare myself in every way possible... because even if it takes 10 years for me to meet the man of my dreams (good grief - I hope not!)  then those 10 years of prep will make me super prepared and I will be one amazing girl by the time he comes into my life.

So... I've come up with a statement explaining my stance on marriage...

Here it is:

BE PATIENT, BUT BE READY.