DAMAGED

There's this part of my life that's less than perfect. (I know, it's even hard for ME to believe)

In fact, it's actually been a really, really big challenge throughout my life.... if not THE biggest challenge.

I won't talk about it the specific challenge because even though I don't mind talking about it, it's really not something that I need to broadcast all over the internet. 

Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine (who happens to be very well-educated in this particular subject, and human psychology in general) and the chit-chat turned to this topic.   As I always do when it comes up, I talked openly about it and shared my experience with it... probably giving WAY more information than necessary.  

As we were talking, she was really concerned, and started talking about all of the "damage"  that this particular circumstance must have done to me.  All of the issues I must have because of it.   How it must have had such a big effect on me, and I might not even know it...

etc. etc. etc.

I've heard it all before.

It's great.  I'm glad she says it.  I don't like when people minimalize it, because it DID have an impact on me.  It did cause some issues in my life, and yeah.. it was (and is)  something that's been hard to deal with.  

But I've worked hard to pay attention to those issues and stop them from coming up.  I won't let myself become a victim.   

I went through a time in my life where I let my problems define me and I wanted to be the victim.  Want to know what I learned from that time?

I wasn't happy.  I let myself hurt TOO MUCH. 

It's okay to hurt sometimes, but it is not okay to be a permanently hurt person.

....My situation isn't that extreme...in fact, as far as trials go - I feel like I've had it pretty easy. 

But yeah... there are things that have happened that I could have let "damage" me... and for a while I did.   

But, I'm not going to let my life revolve around and be defined by those problems.

I'm doing the best to make the effect they've had on me minimal.  I'm trying to grow from them and become a better person because of them. 

I'm not going to let myself be defined as a victim.  I've had problems and people can know that and acknowledge that yes, those were struggles, and yes, they did hurt... but, 

I'm choosing not to be "damaged."

George - 1, Tiana - 0

I NEVER bring my house keys with me.

Normally one of my roommates is home, or I'm with them and they have their keys.   

Right now two of my roommates are in China so... the chances someone will be home go down considerably.  I'd been pretty lucky so far, my roommate had been home or I'd actually remembered to bring my keys for once. 

Today, that luck ended. 

I woke up with barely enough time to shove my hair up on top of my head, throw an ugly sweater on, and run off to class.  Lookin' GREAT.  *sarcasm*

I got out of class early and came home to find...... a locked door.

I called my roommate to see if she was home, no answer. 

So... I walked around the house examining my options for entry.  

I found an open window up front, so... I decided to take it.

I hoisted myself up and.....

Got wedged on the ledge.  

For a good three minutes, I was kicking my legs around while I tried to reach for the nearest chair to crawl onto. 

With my bum dangling out the window....

As many, many people walked right by. (one of the bonuses of living right across the street from campus)  

Finally.. after a bit of a struggle...I grabbed hold of the chair and shimmied my way in, did a happy dance to celebrate my successful(ish)  entry, and turned around to shut the window, to see.....

The neighbors across the street, on their porch.  Watching me. 

Well, boys... I hope you enjoyed staring at my perky posterior dangling out of our kitchen, because you will probably see a lot of it in the next two weeks as I am sure there will be many more instances where I forget my keys.

Oh, and don't worry... a few minutes after I squirmed my way in I heard a meow.... upstairs.

I walked up to my roommates room to find our neighbors' cat George. Apparently he was able to somehow get in with all our doors locked.  Most likely without his posterior end hanging out the kitchen window.  

Poor men need not apply.

I am officially on the hunt.  

The boyfriend hunt.  

Am I love hungry? No.

Am I hungry, hungry? Yes.

You see... I tried sushi for the first time yesterday, and it was amazing.

So fresh and light, yet potent and flavorful.... oh!  I just died at the taste dancing around in my mouth.  

I LOVE good food.  I am willing to spend more money going out to eat than I am on a cute top.  It's a problem.  

But.. I'm also a poor college student. 

Problem?  
The biggest.

So... my plan is to find a guy who would like to buy me sushi and other delicious food in exchange for my lovely company :)  

Know anyone interested? 

about that missionary age-change announcement...

I am so excited about the new age change! 

I wasn't able to watch conference on Saturday due to a dance competition I was helping to run, but I went home and watched the video of the announcement that night. 

Can I just say... WOW.  Powerful stuff.  The moment President Monson started speaking, I felt the spirit so strong it just squeezed the tears right out of me. 

Here's the clip for those of you who missed it:
http://youtu.be/W0ZJerwiodw

I can already imagine the benefits of these changes...   

People who were worried about taking time out of the middle of school can now leave before their schooling starts at all.  

More young girls on their missions might mean less of them rush into marriage right out of high school.

I've seen a lot of great young men head off to their freshman year of college with every intention of going on a mission afterward, and end up getting caught in the wrong crowd and changing their mind, often changing everything about their lives.

and so many other great things..

BUT

I'm a little bit worried. 

I'm worried because of the number of facebook statuses I saw from young girls saying they have suddenly decided to serve a mission because it's more convenient.   I also saw comments from people saying things like:  "A mission is always the right choice!"  or, "Go on a mission!"

Don't get me wrong, I understand that some people may have felt The Spirit testify to them very strongly during General Conference that this is right for them.  Some may have even been preparing for their mission in a few years, and be grateful that they can now leave sooner.  I think missions are great, and I know sister missionaries do amazing things in the field. 

But to all those young girls now considering going on a mission, please, please, PLEASE.. include Heavenly Father in your decision.  Not only on whether or not a mission is right for you, but what the right timing is for you.  

In the press conference following the announcement, authorities made it very clear that missions are NOT a requirement for young women, they are an option.  Not because some people aren't worthy or good enough for a mission, but because they are not for everyone. 

I, for example, LOVE the idea of serving a mission.  I would love to dedicate a year and a half of my life to Heavenly Father and spreading his love.  I think it would be an amazing experience that would help me grow as a person.  I have prayed to Heavenly Father about serving a mission and have always gotten a very clear "NO."  The impression that I have been given is that there is work Heavenly Father wants me to do here instead.  The issue is not a desire to serve, or lack of testimony.  The reason I'm not going on a mission is because I want to serve in the best way I can, and I know that Heavenly Father knows what that best way is.  So I'm trusting him.  I'm trusting that what he wants for me is not what everyone might think is the best. 

To those of you who are influences in the lives of these young girls:  instead of encouraging them to serve missions.  Encourage them to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father, and then talk to him about whether or not that is the right decision for them.   Encourage them to trust him, even if the answer he gives them isn't what one would naturally assume is best. 

To all you single RMs (and not-RM but.. in the marrying stage of life) out there:  STOP valuing return sister missionaries above the rest of us.  I have met several amazing young men who will only date return missionaries.  It ticks me off.  Because I followed Heavenly Father's plan for me, and it didn't involve one specific path, guys won't date me.  I imagine this problem will get much worse as it gets easier for young women to go on missions.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that return missionaries are better than the rest of us, or that they are automatically stronger.  

I admire return missionaries, but many of the greatest women I have ever met did not serve missions.  Everyone please be respectful of people's decisions, as long as they involve the Lord I know they will be correct. 


** On a lighter note...... all these girls leaving might mean less overwhelming selection for the guys, and more dates for me - three cheers for free food and good company! :)