Sometimes I'm pretty sure I resemble a platypus....

... or some other awkward critter.

I really struggle with the simplest tasks in life.  Take, for example, walking.  What a challenge! 

 I'm not even referring to the fact that I trip over air multiple times each day, and run into randomn objects (including, but not limited to: walls, doors, chairs, and human beings) on a frequent basis.   Those are a completely different story, I'm talking about basic walking and all the pressure I feel while doing it. 

When I'm talking to someone or have something to focus my mind on, I'm totally fine, one foot in front of the other, chargin ahead..

I am a walking master.  

...The problem comes when my mind goes blank.  This is when my brain decides to pay attention to what the rest of my body is doing, which we all know is never a good idea.  I start to panic.  What kind of a freak am I?  What is my body doing???   I mean, there's so much running through my mind as I try to coach myself through this.....

1. Pace... too fast, I look like I'm in panic mode (which inside I am, because my mind is blank and all I can think about is how my life is so challenging because I still don't know how to calmly stroll through public places).  Too slow, and I'll look like a lost and confused little child... focus T, you've been doing this for years.  Just, REMAIN CALM. 

2.Legs... Oh gosh.  Are they bending too much?  Not enough?  do they just look weird? It's heel first, right?  Or is that ballet class?  No, toe first in ballet, not normal human mode... right? Oh crap... ooooooh crap... Do I point my toes?  No. Flex?... nope.... that's not right.. relax the foot.  Great. Now I have feet resembling a dead fish   *this is usually where I biff it in full view of a large crowd, but I recover, determined to master this whole "walking" thing*

3.Hips.... Okay, really?  I look like  a total stiff... maybe I should swing them a little bit.  No, no, NO.  This is not a beauty pagaent... and do I really want to emphasize the size of those things?  Didn't think so, let those babies shift back into neutral.

4.Stomach... suck that baby in!  Oh no... now my shoulders are coming up to make room for what is usually a protrusion. Shoulders...  get them down!  Whoa... not that far down, I am not a depressed Ragedy Ann.  Perk  up a bit!  Whoa not that much!  Oh, for the love....

5.Thighs.. Oh my gosh they're touching... They're going to wear away to nothing!!!  (not that that would be so terrible)  Oh snap, they're making a sound.  Swish swish swish swish swish.... That guy just looked at me, he can hear my swishing thighs... back off man!  I'm a woman, don't judge my swish.  Maybe I should just spread my legs out a little bit, walk so my thighs don't touch.  There we go, one foot on either end of the hallway and I'm  golden. 

6.Arms... What the!?!  What am I doing with those things?!??  They're just sitting there clenched to my side as I waddle around?  Everyone around me has a gentle, natural swing to their arms, I've just got to try to be more like that.... I'm going to try this "swinging" business... okay, on three... 1,2,3.. GO!  Whoa!  okay, they should not be swinging up to my line of sight with every step... that's a little aggressive.  Maybe if I bend them a little bit?    Crap.. I totally forgot my arms are hyper-extended... so I have to bend them extra so they look  normal, right?  uh-oh. Nope. Stop right there, those arms are at hard-core jogger status.  Back it off a bit.  I've got this, I just have to observe what everyone else is doing....  what angle is that? 26ish???  Where's my protractor when I need it.......

7.Hands... Why are my hands resembling a machete?  This is not drill team, I was never on drill team, there is no reason to ever EVER have blade hands unless I'm doing the robot.  I just have to relax the hands, let them gently hang by my side, dangling from my arms - which are still COMPLETELY out of control.

8.Head... Straight up. No tilt. I'm the master of the straight head..... Whoa, no! I thought I had this down, definitely not.  Now I look like a giraffe robot.  Maybe I'll give it a little wiggle-sway... Nope.  Epileptic resemblance is waaay too strong right now.  Forget about the head... it's not good for anything anyway....

9.Eyes... Where do I loo- Ahh... attractive man!- No. Staring is socially unacceptable, especially when he is now behind me.  Just look straight ahead, FOCUS.  You've got this.  Oh no, there are people walking by.. I should just remain calm and flash a friendly smile.  I'll probably brighten their day!  WHOA!! What was that?  awkward-glance-and-head-nod-with-the-bottom-half-of-my-two-front-teeth-showing in an attempt at a smile?  Not cool self, not cool.  I'll stick to looking straight ahead, no distractions.  Focus, I've got this... I'm doing gr- oh crap, mouth.  Open?  Closed? halfway?  slight smile?!?!???

10.Breathing... Deep breaths... NOT THAT DEEP!  What am I doing, I think I'm hyperventilating.. CALM DOWN!

I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. 

Any fellow dancers suddenly understanding why I struggle with picking up choreography?  THIS is what goes through my head!  It's really disorganized in there.

Am I really the only one who struggles with this?  Please, if you're out there and you have this problem, comment.  I need to know I'm not alone. 

**note: this process is about 10x more difficult when I'm the only one walking and everyone else is sitting... every time I have to get up and use the bathroom at work, I'm terrified that I'll make a fool of myself walking out of the room.



Update: Wow. This is embarrassing, I just read through this and noticed TONS of errors, but I'm too tired to go fix them, so... for now just know that I do know how to write with correct grammar.  I was just rushed in this post since I wrote it at work. :)